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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want SD’s to share a room?

573 replies

jopejob511 · 03/11/2022 12:14

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

OP posts:
Princessglittery · 03/11/2022 12:20

YNBU. He is your son and you have the room for him. I understand why SD may not want to share but it’s still his home.

Asher33 · 03/11/2022 12:21

Will DP be paying for the hotel?

It's your son's home too

Gazelda · 03/11/2022 12:22

Of course its reasonable to ask your SDs to share this weekend. They and your DP should show some compassion for another member of their family having a difficult time and needing some home comfort.
By asking your SDs to share for one weekend, that should not in any way make the girls' feel as though this is not their home.
If your DP insists on DS staying in a hotel, I'd go with him and stay away for the weekend. I'd then be re-thinking my relationship with someone who can be so uncaring.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/11/2022 12:23

You are absolutely not being unreasonable! it is your sons home.

lunar1 · 03/11/2022 12:23

Absolutely nobody would be making my children unwelcome in the family home, and in your circumstances my partner would very quickly be an ex if he tried this.

Apileofballyhoo · 03/11/2022 12:23

That's really awful OP. Is your DP generally so unkind?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/11/2022 12:24

Going forward I honestly would be locking your Ds's room and making the girls share.

MolliciousIntent · 03/11/2022 12:24

Your DP is fucking dreadful. Who owns the house?

LolaSmiles · 03/11/2022 12:25

Of course they should share so your DD can be welcome in his home.

Your DP saying otherwise and expecting your son to go to a hotel is cruel.

SandyY2K · 03/11/2022 12:25

So, your son is struggling and his response is that he should go to a hotel... and be on his own?

The one person being unreasonable here is your husband. Definitely not you.

FinallyHere · 03/11/2022 12:26

He doesn't sound like much of a 'D'P to me. Sorry

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/11/2022 12:26

Yanbu. He is in crisis and needs support. I'd bet he wouldn't do the same for his dds.

girlmom21 · 03/11/2022 12:28

That's your sons home as much as it's his daughters home.

toomuchlaundry · 03/11/2022 12:29

What happens when he comes home for holidays?

funinthesun19 · 03/11/2022 12:30

It’s your son’s room. If he’s at home then SDs don’t get to use it and they’ll have to share their room. It’s as simple as that.

Your DP’s attitude towards your son is horrible. Why should he stay in a hotel to make way for his daughters? They can fucking share.

Thelnebriati · 03/11/2022 12:30

YABU and I'd find it hard to get past that level of cruelty aimed at my child.

Give your DP a lecture on male suicide rates. He sounds awful.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/11/2022 12:32

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/11/2022 12:24

Going forward I honestly would be locking your Ds's room and making the girls share.

Sorry, I permanently.

Quartz2208 · 03/11/2022 12:33

It sounds as if it is his room - what is the housing situation joint home?

But this would be a dealbreaker for me with your D - your DS comes first is strugging and two sisters can share a room

feelthebeatfromthetangerine · 03/11/2022 12:34

When it comes to family, if the living arrangements aren't ideal, you make do.

Do you have a living room which could be a temporary sleeping area this weekend? Maybe the 12-year-old could sleep there instead of sharing?

I'd say given none of the three kids live with you full-time, DS should get priority for his own room because he may need some quiet space to deal with his feelings, and the 7-year old should get her own room, because she's young enough to potentially have a bedtime routine that's at odds with the rest of the household.

The middle child can either share with her (step?)sister or take the lounge.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/11/2022 12:36

feelthebeatfromthetangerine · 03/11/2022 12:34

When it comes to family, if the living arrangements aren't ideal, you make do.

Do you have a living room which could be a temporary sleeping area this weekend? Maybe the 12-year-old could sleep there instead of sharing?

I'd say given none of the three kids live with you full-time, DS should get priority for his own room because he may need some quiet space to deal with his feelings, and the 7-year old should get her own room, because she's young enough to potentially have a bedtime routine that's at odds with the rest of the household.

The middle child can either share with her (step?)sister or take the lounge.

I disagree, no one should have to sleep in a living area when there is a bedroom upstairs for them.

IncompleteSenten · 03/11/2022 12:36

Your son has as much right to be in the home as your step daughters do.

It's his room and your partner is out of order.

MyRiverThee · 03/11/2022 12:38

Partner would be out the door, what a nasty bastard.

I hope your son is ok.

InsertPunHere · 03/11/2022 12:39

Your partner is being ridiculous, of course your son has his bedroom when he comes home.

Shinyandnew1 · 03/11/2022 12:40

DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel.

As someone with a 19 year old who has been teary about being away at university this makes me so sad. I don’t think I would want to be with someone who said this about my own child.

Whose house is it?

Arenanewbie · 03/11/2022 12:40

DS is struggling and needs support. I think it’s a good moment to show him that you are his family unit and also teach SD compassion, of course she can share, it’s not a big deal. Her dad’s role is to find right words to explain her everything.

But I’m fuming tbh on your behalf, what was your partner thinking? Your DS went to uni so bye bye, he wouldn’t count as your son anymore?
I’m trying to stay polite but in general agree with @lunar1