To want SD’s to share a room?

[jopejob511]

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

A big red flag, though, is this man effectively trying to make her choose between them, and telling her who she should have in her home, and who should stay somewhere else

Agree, deeply worrying

DS has moved out to study, not to a job which means he can afford to set up his own household.

I'm genuinely shocked at the suggestion by 'D'P that he should not expect to come back home.

What arrangements were planned for the vac? Christmas is only a few weeks away. Will 'D'P suggest he isn't welcome then, either or is only welcome when his DD's are already accommodated elsewhere.

It does appear that 'D'P has been edging the DS out in favour of his own DD's having a room each. As PP pointed out, why is OP expected to provide his daughters with a room each when he has yet to provide that himself.

He seems very generous with OP's hospitality to his DD's just not so much to DS.

It's a honestly a bit shocking

I think you've summed it up perfectly @billy1966

billy1966 and Mummyoflittledragon's posts paint the scene so clearly and it's heartbreaking.

I've written before how personal this is to me.

My dearest friend of 50 years was that 19 year old.
Turfed out of HER family home by her step mother and went to live temporarily with her boyfriends family weeks after her father died quite suddenly.

The family business her mother built and family home all gone to her step mother and step siblings.

She never saw £5.
Completely unbelievable.
Her silly father made no provision for her although it was the last thing my friends mother asked of him, to take care of their daughter.

Nearly 50 years later the pain remains and the disappointment in her silly father being taken in by her step mother.

She has through amazing hard work and tenacity made a great success of her life, marriage and family, but it has been very difficult at times with the monkey on her back of such grief.

The grief and betrayal follow you.
They have nowhere to go.

Of course people can go on to have post widowed relationships but protecting the vulnerable children left bereft should be a priority IMO.

You have made totally the correct decision. Your house, your son, he needs you, his home, his bedroom at the moment and maybe for some years. Your SDs are guests and stay wherever you decide, they have their own rooms at home. The older SD is old enough to understand she has been staying in someone else's room. Good luck with your son.

It seems you have a Cocklodger who doesn't like your DS.

So I guess the question is - is the cock so good that you let the lodger kick your DS out????

Fear for the welfare of the orphaned child following the surviving parent’s remarriage and subsequent death is the motivation for the many folk tales around the world.
I think most people know of someone who was dispossessed of valuable family heirlooms by their parents failure to make secure provision for after their deaths.
Often the lost “ heirlooms” are not of great monetary value but of priceless sentimental value to the children and of no interest to the step parents children.
So mnetters please think about this when making your will. Simple mirror wills are not sufficient if you want that family treasure or photos to go to your children. Don’t trust that your spouse will ensure they go to the intended beneficiaries. If your widow/widower survives you and remarries then her/his will will be automatically rescinded and the new one will almost invariably favour the second spouse and their children.

How is your DS OP?

What would you ask that @ElmoNeedsThePotty ?
If you’re interested, take the time to read literally the first 4 words of her OP.

@Testina And you might want to wind your neck in.

I have followed this post from the beginning and read every single post.

I was asking how her DS is doing now he is presumably home tonight 🙄

@ElmoNeedsThePotty big apology to you! And yes, I need to wind my neck in ☺️
I don’t know why my brain filled that in as “how old is”!
I do get irritated by people asked questions that are in the OP, which is why I jumped on you rudely.
I’m sorry - you clearly didn’t ask that at all.

@Testina No worries. We have all done it, me probably more than most as I am currently awaiting complex cataract surgery and can barely see my PC!😅

DS seems okayish, I picked him up this morning and we spent the day together, which I think we both needed. We used to do it a lot but we didn't as much when DS got older and me and ‘D’P moved in as he'd always want to come and bring his DDs so me and DS couldn't spend one on one time together. DS seems much more relaxed here than he was during the summer when ‘D’P was here, but I didn't notice at the time. I asked him what he thought about partner and he said he doesn't trust him and wishes it would back to being just me and him living here, which I have told him it can as it was his choice if partner moved in, in the first place I asked DS if he was okay with it etc and he said yes but he isn't now and I told him that's okay.

Sounds like your DP is acting like it's house. Why would you even ask? you just tell them that they are sharing. Your house, your sons house and your rules.

Good for you @jopejob511
This thread can't have been easy reading for you, when you're already worried sick about DS.
Hopefully he will feel safe and secure now and you can both start to feel better.

You come across as a great mum, op. I hope you're not letting those who've not read your posts properly get to you.

I'm so glad that starting this thread is helping you to see the situation for what it really is.

You say that your DS said that he was happy at the time but he was 15 and probably just wanted to make his DM happy.

He is older now and probably feels more able to speak up and articulate HIS feelings rather than worrying about you.

PLEASE stay strong, we are all behind you.

I know this is all very hard for you OP, but your partner does not seem to have either your or your son's best intersts at heart.

Great update.

Partner needs to move out. He's getting to comfy.

This ^ 100%.

Your partner does not get to dictate what goes on in your house, particularly where it affects your son. Time for him to make his own arrangements for housing himself and his daughters so that your son can relax in his own home with his mother. Best wishes to you and your son OP. I hope things get better for him soon 🌹

This is a good update. I’m glad you spoke to your son and listened to how he is upset that your boyfriend and his daughters are in the house. When are they moving out?

It is a good update however I am sad to read that your partner wouldn’t allow you and your DS to have 121 time once he moved in. Your DS has had to deal with a lot and it’s very clear your DP wants to be the only male in your life

Well done OP.

It is so good that your boy is able to be so open and honest with you.

And telling that it was hard for you to spend time alone with him once DP was on the scene.

It’s natural to be optimistic, and be keen to see the good in things, and I am sure that both you and your Ds went into the shared household with ‘D’P hoping for the best.

But a man who truly wants to support you would always know you need time with your son , and as your son has become a young adult he has become more and more hostile.

Your son must have been gutted to feel he might lose his Mum to this man, havjng already lost his father.

I hope your Ds can regain his stability and confidence and go back to Uni, knowing his Mum is his rock.

@billy1966 that's very sad.

My colleague lost her mum. She hadn't divorced ex who had been living abroad with girlfriend for many years. He came back sold house and took all funds went back with girlfriend.

Please OP make sure your son is protected and has someone to help him should anything happen to you. Make sure your affairs are reviewed and things like Will up to date. You can register your Will so it's searchable on the National Will Register. Sorry I know that's morbid but. One of us know what's in store. Your partner may be expecting you to leave something or everything to him. That's up to you but make sure what you want is likely to happen.