Page 5 | To want SD’s to share a room?

jopejob511 · 2022-11-03T12:14:40+00:00

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him. The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc. Was I bu?

Freddiefan · 03/11/2022 13:52

Send your DP and his daughters to a hotel.

MultiTulip · 03/11/2022 13:52

I knew this was going to be your house. Your DP sounds like an absolute shit. Let him go and find somewhere to stay where his kids can have their own bedrooms. Your DS feeling unwelcome at home won’t be helping him feeling down.

dreamingofsun · 03/11/2022 13:52

not wanting to spend the day with young girls sounds fairly standard behaviour for a boy of that age (i have 3 that are a bit older).

Has he talked to the student union at the uni about his issues.....obviously not about room at home. would be a shame if he doesnt go back (after putting so much effort in) unless the issues are insurmountable.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/11/2022 13:52

It's your house. If your DP wants his dds to have their own rooms, then perhaps he should buy or rent a house that is big enough to accommodate this. He does not get to decide that your ds can no longer use his room. He sounds a nasty twat tbh - your ds is struggling and needs to come home. What kind of person would tell him to fuck off to a hotel?!

Puppers · 03/11/2022 13:54

Who’s house is it, OP?

There’s not nearly enough information here to tell who is BU.

Is this your home, where you and your son have always lived, and you’ve moved this boyfriend in who has given your son’s room to his daughter the moment he left for uni?

Or is this your DP’s house, and you are expecting that his daughter should give up her bedroom at any time that your adult son turns up?

Or is it a house you bought together, and you’ve bought one that just isn’t big enough to house everyone fairly and you didn’t properly iron out the details before now?

I don’t think it’s reasonable to have two girls share a bedroom all the time in their primary residence (because this is one of their 2 primary residences; they aren’t just here a couple of nights a month), leaving another room entirely unused on the off chance that your adult son who lives elsewhere may want to come home. I know this isn’t what you’re proposing but bear with me. I also don’t think it’s reasonable for a child to have to give up their bedroom at any time it may be required, because it’s important to have privacy. I would hate the thought of someone else sleeping in my bed, having access to all my things etc.

I would hope that on a one-off basis, SD and her dad would be able to put their compassion for your son first and give him a room for the weekend. But - unless this is in fact your house and your partner is not paying his way - it’s not fair that SD’s room is actually considered to still belong to your son as a matter of routine (you refer to it as his room) and it’s not tenable for him to retain the right to just turf SD out at any point. That must be quite horrible for her really, not having a room to call her own. If - and again I’m assuming that this is a house you either bought together or that DP pays his fair share towards - you want DS to permanently retain his own room for his own use, which is absolutely fair enough, then you need a bigger house. Otherwise unfortunately it’s just not possible and the girls who actually live there should be prioritised in having their own bedrooms.

With regards to the arguing and the suggestion of the hotel, it just sounds like tempers were frayed and maybe if you could both talk calmly about it you could reach a solution.

pumpkinelvis · 03/11/2022 13:54

Your dp sounds like a knob, but I don't think your ds should have the biggest room off he's y here the least. Could he not move to smaller room and keep the big room free for the dsds or other guests?

Bogofftosomewherehot · 03/11/2022 13:55

What a selfish arse.
It's your house, you're not married, your son (as a student) is still reliant on you to a certain degree - especially seeing as he's struggling and needs your support right now and it's his bloody room!

I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that DS gets his room when visiting and his DD's would be sharing.

"D"P is of course free to book a hotel.... and use it for himself and his kids!

I wouldn't entertain this shit at all. be there for your son, give him the big hug that he needs and don't let this bullying, entitled arse dictate - selfish twat.

LanaDooleyx3 · 03/11/2022 13:55

Your house - end of story.

User63683783736363 · 03/11/2022 13:57

YANBU.

ivykaty44 · 03/11/2022 13:58

tbh it doesn't matter who's house it is, they are supposed to be a family and you don't treat one family member in that way - especially when they are needing support. When your low and needing some attention, you go home to family, can you imagine if op said to dp that his girls aren't welcome when they are in need of support - I bet he'd not be happy

WhosafraidofVirginiaWoolf · 03/11/2022 13:58

I bet he doesn't pay anyway near his share of shit either.

girlmom21 · 03/11/2022 14:00

ivykaty44 · 03/11/2022 13:58

tbh it doesn't matter who's house it is, they are supposed to be a family and you don't treat one family member in that way - especially when they are needing support. When your low and needing some attention, you go home to family, can you imagine if op said to dp that his girls aren't welcome when they are in need of support - I bet he'd not be happy

It does matter when it comes to kicking the moron out

Clymene · 03/11/2022 14:00

Kick him out. Horrible horrible man. And he can take his kids with him.

Your son needs your protection, you're all he has left. Why are you letting this vile man bully and verbally abuse your vulnerable son?

AuntieDickhead · 03/11/2022 14:00

So you've got 2 bedrooms and 3 children (yes I know 1 is technically an adult but he hasn't left home yet).

If only 2 dC are there they get a bedroom each. Eg when DS is at uni the DDs get a room each.

When all 3 dc are there 2 of them will have to share. Its entirely inappropriate for DS to share with one of the DDs, so they have to share.

It's that simple. I guess an argument could be made that the girls get the bigger room, but even that depends on how big the rooms actually are imo.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/11/2022 14:00

WhosafraidofVirginiaWoolf · 03/11/2022 13:58

I bet he doesn't pay anyway near his share of shit either.

Id also put money on op doing most of the caring for his dds.

Likewhatever · 03/11/2022 14:00

I’ve had a child come home from uni in crisis. They don’t do it lightly. Bring him home, OP, install him in his bedroom and give him your undivided attention for as long as he needs it. DH can sort his own DDs out.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/11/2022 14:01

Puppers · 03/11/2022 13:54

Who’s house is it, OP?

There’s not nearly enough information here to tell who is BU.

Is this your home, where you and your son have always lived, and you’ve moved this boyfriend in who has given your son’s room to his daughter the moment he left for uni?

Or is this your DP’s house, and you are expecting that his daughter should give up her bedroom at any time that your adult son turns up?

Or is it a house you bought together, and you’ve bought one that just isn’t big enough to house everyone fairly and you didn’t properly iron out the details before now?

I don’t think it’s reasonable to have two girls share a bedroom all the time in their primary residence (because this is one of their 2 primary residences; they aren’t just here a couple of nights a month), leaving another room entirely unused on the off chance that your adult son who lives elsewhere may want to come home. I know this isn’t what you’re proposing but bear with me. I also don’t think it’s reasonable for a child to have to give up their bedroom at any time it may be required, because it’s important to have privacy. I would hate the thought of someone else sleeping in my bed, having access to all my things etc.

I would hope that on a one-off basis, SD and her dad would be able to put their compassion for your son first and give him a room for the weekend. But - unless this is in fact your house and your partner is not paying his way - it’s not fair that SD’s room is actually considered to still belong to your son as a matter of routine (you refer to it as his room) and it’s not tenable for him to retain the right to just turf SD out at any point. That must be quite horrible for her really, not having a room to call her own. If - and again I’m assuming that this is a house you either bought together or that DP pays his fair share towards - you want DS to permanently retain his own room for his own use, which is absolutely fair enough, then you need a bigger house. Otherwise unfortunately it’s just not possible and the girls who actually live there should be prioritised in having their own bedrooms.

With regards to the arguing and the suggestion of the hotel, it just sounds like tempers were frayed and maybe if you could both talk calmly about it you could reach a solution.

Why not read the thread before posting. The OP has already clarified that it is her house.

Why shouldn't the ds still have a room in his mum's home? He is a student - he hasn't properly moved out yet. If the DP really wants his dc to have a room each, then he needs to rent or buy his own home to accommodate this preference.

ivykaty44 · 03/11/2022 14:03

It does matter when it comes to kicking the moron out

just pack your bags and leave for somewhere else, getting someone else to leave can be troublesome

LisaJool · 03/11/2022 14:03

How convenient of your DH to move in and start dictating how the bedrooms are used 🤔 OP I'd be booking a room.... For him, in a hotel far away. How dare he say your son is not welcome in his home. Why did you move him in in the first place if they didn't get on?

Dweetfidilove · 03/11/2022 14:04

Your partner is dreadful!

How can he even believe that you would send your son, who is coming home because he's struggling, to a hotel?

I bet his awful mood will only makes matters worse for your son. You should actually pack him and his children off to a hotel for the weekend.

While you're at it, reclaim your son's bedroom, so this isn't an issue next time.

Puppers · 03/11/2022 14:04

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/11/2022 14:01

Why not read the thread before posting. The OP has already clarified that it is her house.

Why shouldn't the ds still have a room in his mum's home? He is a student - he hasn't properly moved out yet. If the DP really wants his dc to have a room each, then he needs to rent or buy his own home to accommodate this preference.

Show quote history

Such a rude response. Is this how you converse with people in real life?

I did read the thread. It was a cross post which you may be aware happens often on internet forums; the OP hadn't shared her update when I began writing my comment.

saltofcelery · 03/11/2022 14:04

Read your update. Why are you staying with someone who speaks like that to your son? No doubt the reason he didn't go on the family outings is because he felt unwanted.

He lost his father and his "step dad" who is living in his house is unkind to him.

Are you worried about being alone? Is that why you stay with him?

toomuchlaundry · 03/11/2022 14:04

The only thing I would consider is that the bigger bedroom becomes the shared space for the SDs, and your DS has the smaller room when he comes home, but one of the SD sleeps in it when he is at university

Clymene · 03/11/2022 14:04

ivykaty44 · 03/11/2022 14:03

It does matter when it comes to kicking the moron out

just pack your bags and leave for somewhere else, getting someone else to leave can be troublesome

IT'S HER HOUSE

ivykaty44 · 03/11/2022 14:05

Why not read the thread before posting. The OP has already clarified that it is her house.

Ive searched for that bit and can't find the subsequent post with this information in the thread - can you point me to it please