To want SD’s to share a room?

[jopejob511]

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

Your DP is being an utter twat. Does he not see that telling DS to stay in a hotel is a huge rejection?

It’s only for this weekend. They should share. Your ds may just need to come home to relax and take in the comfort of family as this is a hard time for him. I don’t think staying in a hotel would benefit him at all. Sometimes when you’re at uni, you just need home.

YANBU. I assume your ds's return is temporary and he isn't moving back permanently. In which case, of course he should use his bedroom and the girls share for that week (or weekend) while he is home.

He is obviously not able to share a room with either of them, but the girls are certainly able to share. Its very uncaring of your DH to suggest a hotel when he is obviously struggling and just needs to be home for a bit.

And what kind of message is that sending his dd's? Surely they need to understand that sometimes they may have to put themselves out a little bit in order to help someone else. And its literally for a few days!

I can't count the number of times my dc have had to move out of their room temporarily and share when my parents came to visit!

That's really shit. As long as all 3 children are in the home they need to be in that's what matters. It seems pretty obvious the girls need to share to accommodate the other child.

"DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel."

Unbelievably uncaring of your partner. Your son going to a hotel, alone - how would that help him? It wouldn't. To be horribly blunt - would he prefer your son to suicide, for the convenience of his daughters? Sorry to raise the idea, but student suicides have been somewhat in the news this week.

Your partner's comment would completely change how I see him. I'm not sure I'd want to be in a relationship with a man who showed such disregard for my son's welfare. I would genuinely consider solving the room problem by telling him to leave. If he didn't live with you, his daughters wouldn't either.

And I agree with an earlier suggestion by another poster. Consider putting a lock on that room and the girls sharing permanently. I think it would help your son emotionally to know that he has a home, a space that is unquestionably his. Your SD sleeping in there could make him question, in his current frame of mind, whether your home is still his home. Actually, even in a robust frame of mind, it could make him question if he is being gradually edged out.

Prioritise your son over your partner. If he is still your partner.

Why does he think this is ok?

Hell would freeze over before I let anyone make my child unwelcome in their own home, especially if they were struggling. I’d honestly consider LTB.

@feelthebeatfromthetangerine I read it that he was struggling with uni in general and this is the straw that broke the camels back and he's packing it in entirely but I could be wrong

Thats how I read it too but thinking about it sure ops dh doesnt expect him to stay in a hotel forever?

Yanbu. Your ds needs help for one weekend.

Your dp and your dsds are selfish and thoughtless. They all need a lesson in compassion.

Maybe he could find a hotel room with two bedrooms in it and take his DDs there while he sleeps on the floor/couch or whatever. That way they have their own bedroom each then.

OP hasn’t said who’s house it is? If the house is in both there names then of course OP should get a say in who sleeps where. If he owns the house and not OP then it’s harder to argue, maybe his DC’s have always had their own room in the house? Even if this is the case he is being unfair because it’s not as though OP’s ds can sleep anywhere else and it makes sense for the girls to share. It sounds like he’s looking for reasons for ds not to live at home, if this is the case then I would be leaving (or kicking him out depending on who’s house it is).

Your DP can fuck off!

No you're not being unreasonable.

Flipping heck - your partner is very cold! YANBU in the slightest.

EVan if your ds were to come home for good then the only option is for the girls to share - its just how to it goes, the fact that they are step siblings is not really relevent imo.

Being 20 and being at Uni does not equal having left home.

I can't believe someone could be so cruel to a child struggling with being away from home and dealing with memories of his own df death. I'd move out rather than have my child exposed to the nasty bastard. Your DS really needs you to support him ATM. Go get him and both stay in a nice hotel. Tell him he deserves a little break with you. Leave the bastard to cook and care for his dd's alone. Going forward I would be making it crystal clear you and your DS come as a package. If he rejects your DS he can wave goodbye to you. Your husband is a horrible, nasty bastard. Has he always been unkind to your son? If your son was told to.go to hotel on his own it could destroy him.

I think SD stays there when he is away is a good compromise in general. I guess the issue here is that this is a last minute weekend visit so SD will have expected a room to herself. I think given that your son is struggling, the answer is that the SDs share and your DP does sound really unfeeling.

But I can also see that if I were the 12 year old, I would be really disappointed to have to share a room, I think the age gap there is tricky and she is hitting puberty.

Longer term, I think you need to find a different solution - e.g. splitting a room

Ugh..I'd be rethinking my relationship based on this.

Jeeze.

So you'd punish the DP for his callousness ... by taking it our on his girls?

I think your husbands being very unfair. Its still your sons home. He will need to return during the holidays. Hotels are expensive to live in, how's he expected to pay when he's not earning yet?! I'd let sd use sons room, but not when he's home.

Fuck that - this is your ds’s HOME and that’s his bedroom.

Dp’s attitude would have me telling him to leave and stay in a bloody hotel.

Please stand up for ds who is clearly already struggling.

im horrified that someone could be so cold!

yea of course they can bunk in for a weekend! I’d be mortally disappointed in dh if he did this to my son if he were struggling

Punish?

Its not about punishing anyone, its about making sure everyone knows where they stand and that is her Ds's room. It will stop any problems/confusion arising in the future.

I can honestly not see any reason why the 2 girls can not share.

Send your grieving son to be alone in a hotel so his spoilt princesses don’t have to share???

A couple of questions OP.

Who owns the house?

How long have you been with this "D"p?

Whose name/s is the house in?