To want SD’s to share a room?

[jopejob511]

DS is almost 20 and in his 2nd year of uni. He struggled during the first year but managed to get through it. This year, he's been struggling but agreed to stay and I went to visit him a few times. A few days ago was the anniversary of his dads death (12 years ago, not recently but obviously it's still affected him) which seems to have hit him hard as expected. He called me last night crying saying he wants to come home so I agreed at the weekend ill go and get him.

The issue is his room, he sleeps in it when he's here but when away SD(12) sleeps in it as she doesn't want to share with her sister (7), they come here every other week and stay for the week. The issue is they're also coming this Sunday. DP has said I'm BU for wanting them to share and DS is almost 20 so if he can't cope in uni he should find somewhere else to stay, for example a hotel. I've told him I don't expect him to do that as this is his home we then argued about how this is also SD’s home etc.

Was I bu?

have told him it can as it was his choice if partner moved in, in the first place I asked DS if he was okay with it etc and he said yes but he isn't now and I told him that's okay.

It really wasn’t his choice, it was yours and you asked if it was ok and it’s still your choice.

However it seems as if red flags were raised immediately. How did your DP support you and your DS through the suicide attempt?

I hope you have a lovely relaxing time with your DS, he trusts you enough to open up and speak the truth about your DP, listen to him.

I don't plan on leaving him as the relationship overall is good, apart from him treating Ds like this.

This is so very sad. The way this man treats your son is everything.

Why do so many women prioritise crap men over their children?

To be fair after being widowed with a young child I can see why OP would be looking forward to having a DP move in.

I can see how warning signs may have been overlooked in the hope they were teething problems but @jopejob511 you are putting too much of this on your son.

When you asked him if DP could move in he would want to see you happy it would be difficult for him to say no.

Don’t do this to him again. Do not say that DP will stay away as long as your DS wants to be home, that is too much responsibility for him. Do not ask his permission, do not make it his choice. Imagine having the status of your mothers relationship hanging over your decisions?

Make the decision yourself.

I really agree with this.

When his father died the world changed forever.

Your son learned at a very young age that the world is not a safe place, that nothing is forever.

Anxiety and depression are rife among the children/young adults of bereaved children.

Your son had this man in his home through covid and the lockdowns.

How hard must that have been.

He sounds like a bright intuitive boy who rightly doesn't trust this man nor his motives.

Take his suicide attempt very seriously.
It happened after this man moved in.

Your son has lost so much and him moving in and him preventing one on ones with you, was simply too much for him.

This man does not wish your son well.
Should you marry him and anything happen you, he's the type that would turf your son out in weeks.

He has been so brave to tell you the bald truth.

It really is a case of what value you place on his life.

Don't put anymore pressure on him, too much has been placed already.

Make the right decision yourself and tell that man to make alternative arrangements for himself and HIS children, as YOUR child needs HIS home back.

Expect that man to put up a major love bombing guilt trip.

He is not going to want to give up free accommodation and food.

It's not something that he will get easily, and he has put in effort to get through your door.

But he overplayed his hand.
Preventing you from spending one on one with your boy, was a HUGE red flag.

Banging on about him being respected, another.

Your son owes him nothing.
Respect is earned.

He didn't earn it.

He bullied your son and your son quite rightly didn't want to be around him.

You know the finality of death and you know at 18 your son was in so much pain he wanted death to end it.

Don't allow him, through this man and your choices, to find himself in that place again.

You will never forgive yourself for knowing that putting this user ahead of your son, cost him his precious life.

Be brave, and do the right thing.

Your DS has told you how he feels about your P (I haven't put the "D" because he's not one). So now you have a choice to make. Please make the right one as the wrong one could cost you dear.

OP, you say "I don't plan on leaving him as the relationship overall is good, apart from him treating Ds like this."

If you'd rather not end the relationship over this, it sounds as if the best thing for your DS, you and the relationship would be for your partner to move out. Keeping parenting and relationship separate.

I’m glad your son is not as bad as you thought he’d be @jopejob511 , could he transfer to a uni closer to home if he’s not coping with living away .

I am so glad to read your update op. I know what posters have been saying on this thread is difficult to read and hear. You and your ds have shown huge amounts of courage to be Frank with one another and talk about the reality of your situation.

I can totally see why you missed the red flags. It sounds as though your ‘d’p hid the more controlling aspects of his personality until he had moved in and then you probably put this down to teething problems rather than controlling behaviour. His wanting to spend time ‘as a family unit’ can easily be spun as a positive but in actual fact is a red flag if he’s preventing you from spending any 121 time with your ds. Boiling frog springs to mind.

The story from @billy1966 is heartbreaking. I also know someone this happened to. She was my therapist for several years. Her mother inherited well from her parents, died leaving all her money to her dh, never suspecting she would be eventually disinheriting her child. The father then remarried, again didn’t protect his assets. On his death, the stepmother received the entire amount, which was in the millions decades ago and the daughter received not one penny, nor any precious heirlooms and nothing from her mum.

Idk if this will end your relationship. Please do be assured there are some lovely men out there, who will love and cherish your ds. My mother remarried when I was a young adult and I think she made a brilliant choice of second husband and he became like a dad to me as mine was deceased. My friend’s mum remarried when she was early / mid teens and he treated her and her brother as if they were his own. Incidentally he was a better father to them than their own, who was a selfish man. From my personal experience, I cannot stress to you enough how much bereaved children can benefit from loving and engaged step parents even in adulthood.

I hope you and your DS have had a lovely weekend together.
I think you know he needs you more than your DP.
Your DP needs to rethink his living arrangements.

I'm glad that your DS is doing better than expected. It must have been a hard week for both of you.
I hope that he can find a way forward with his decision about uni. It is ok to not know what you want or need at 19.

Don’t do this to him again. Do not say that DP will stay away as long as your DS wants to be home, that is too much responsibility for him. Do not ask his permission, do not make it his choice. Imagine having the status of your mothers relationship hanging over your decisions?

This. Your DS loves you and won't want to risk telling you to end a relationship that he thinks is bringing you happiness. You need to do this yourself;f.

You can, of course, continue to see your partner when he moves out, as a PP suggested. Whether your partner agrees to this will tell you a lot about him.

I am so glad that your son isn't as low as you'd feared - but perhaps knowing that your partner and his children weren't in the house has a lot to do with this. He sounds an astute young man, and must have been so relieved to find that they weren't going to be there when he needed space.

Also OP, would you consider doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk?

You sound very vulnerable.

Why would you think that you paying for ALL the food would be a normal set up?

He doesn't pay for his food or the food his children eat.

Why would you ever think this is normal?

You are being used by this man.

No decent man would do this for a minute.

But be prepared for him not giving this set up easily.

Expect him to try and guilt you using his children if necessary.

@billy1966 You have again hit the nail on the head.

I think the very fact that a man is happy to live off a widow or a single mother is a huge red flag.

I've always paid my way and paid for less well off friends and boyfriends on occasion but I find this total reversal of common morals shocking.

Freedom Programme is a great recommendation.

OP someone said this earlier and I agree.

He doesn't have the RIGHT to call your son disrespectful.

He is nothing to your son.

Why in gods name would you expect your son to want to spend "family" time with this man.

He's nothing but a freeloader.

And even if he wasn't, he is still nothing to your son.

He is trying to drive a wedge and almost succeeded.

You’ve been absolutely lambasted on this thread @jopejob511. I see nothing but a caring mother trying to do the right thing.

It's really good that he's opened up to you, it must have been hard for him to admit all of this to you. Please put his needs first, he's so very vulnerable.

You’ve been absolutely lambasted on this thread

Time and again we see on mumsnet and IRL, how people lose perspective on their own lives. If I ever lost perspective so much that I was living with someone who was taking advantage of me and denying my vulnerable child a home, I would hope that people would lambast me too until I woke up.

I actually think this is Mumsnet at its best and what it was probably set up for.
i received wisdom like this from complete strangers who really cared in 2009.
I hope despite the occasional derailment that this has helped the OP and most importantly her DSc who will never know how much complete strangers really really rooted for him.

Well done OP - your unselfish care for your son is all that it should be.
I wish him happier times ahead... and am sure that with your support these will come soon.

I have spoken to DP and he's now suggested DS to stay elsewhere like grandparents...

Partner is sounding odder and odder. It seems likely that this is all about his disliking your son and not to do with the daughters sharing at all, especially as they're used to it and don't seem to mind. Even if he actively dislikes your son and generally lacks empathy, his incredible callousness about someone you love who's suffering and about your own worry over the situation doesn't make him sound like a very good partner.

DP does pay money towards bills but I buy all the food etc. If he's moved into your house and isn't paying rent he should be paying MORE than his (3/4, or perhaps 3/5 when your sone in home) share of other things, not less!

I asked him what he thought about partner and he said he doesn't trust him and wishes it would back to being just me and him living here, which I have told him it can as it was his choice if partner moved in, in the first place I asked DS if he was okay with it etc and he said yes but he isn't now and I told him that's okay.

I’m glad dp is gone (for now). I don’t think it was fair to tell ds that it was his choice that dp moved in. It wasn’t his choice, it was your choice and he went along with it.

And what does ds not being ok with it anymore mean? Will you ask dp to move out permanently?

The fact that dp wanted ds to stay with his grandparents is more than enough to chuck him out for good.

@jopejob511 how is your son? I have wondered whether he has stayed home and if his mental health is improving. I hope you are both doing well.