Granddaughter's family taking advantage? Annual visits funded by me!

[ParsleyorCoriander]

Name changed as this is rather personal. Please help me with my dilemma!

I have an 8 y.o. granddaughter ('Alice') who lives with her mum and extended family abroad. My son/her father has limited contact (complex reasons) but I am paying financial support on his behalf and visit 2-3 times a year (staying in hotels - they would not have room to host me). I get on well with Alice on a 121 basis and spend a lot of time together when I’m visiting.

This year I paid for her and her mum to visit me for a month. I paid for flights, transportation, food and eating out, excursions, everything, and they stayed at my house. In total it cost me over £3000. All this was accepted with good grace by her mum, but barely a thank you. She also made very little effort to interact.

I have always noticed signs of Alice being spoiled. This became blatantly obvious during their stay. Wherever we went she asked for and was invariably bought ‘stuff’. Lots of cuddly toys, books, games, plus trinkets and plastic tat. Food would be ordered and she often barely touched it, without remonstration from her mum. Her mum also lets her get away with being moody and borderline rude, such as ignoring questions, whining/moaning/whinging and not saying please/thank you. Her mother also spent serious money on stuff for herself - but offered to pay for a meal just once.

I love my granddaughter dearly and most of the time she is absolutely lovely but all this has left a somewhat sour note. Her mum keeps talking about “when we come next summer…” and has said that she expects these visits to become a yearly event, with me clearly expected to fund it. What is more, her mum and dad have stated they want to come too! I'm not sure how they are going to fund this trip as they are not very well off.

Yes, I could theoretically afford these visits, but we’d be talking several thousands each year. Ultimately it would mean that I’d be taking money away from my own DC and other potential grandchildren they might have. Also, I'm not sure I would be comfortable on an emotional level to host them every year as we have very little in common.

I feel uncomfortable and that I'm being taken advantage of, and that I need to say something now to manage future expectations. I’m a natural unassertive, conflict avoidant people pleaser and this is causing me a great deal of anxiety. How would you handle this?

Your son is the issue
he barely sees his daughter and you’re paying for his child on his behalf
i think the grandchild’s behaviour sounds a bit crappy but she’s a young child
I think it’s taking advantage that you pay for any of this
i guess you want to see your GD which is understandable
no you shouldn’t pay for your DIL’s parents to visit

I would tackle your son

How did it come about that they visited you this time, entirely funded by you? Was it by your invitation on this occasion?

Go and see her, rather than subsidising her mother and family to see you.

I'm presuming that tackling your son would achieve nothing.

I think it is ok to say to your dil that you would find it hard to afford a similar trip next year - maybe every second year? Make it clear from the start that you cannot pay for anyone else to come and can't host them either.

The thing is it is hard when you feel unappreciated and taken for granted but if you want a relationship with your granddaughter, it does depend on you facilitating it financially.

Please, let's leave my son out of it. He has very complex issues which are currently unresolvable. There is absolutely no way he can help with this.

My issue is how do I communicate to Alice's family that I do not want to host them next year, and that I do not want to fund these trips on an annual basis?

Yes, I did invite them, but I did not anticipate that they would expect me to pay for absolutely everything and expect this to happen every year.

"You are more than welcome to visit but I am unable to fund it as I did previously"
Just grow a backbone.

Part of the problem is that they know I can afford it, but I just don't want them to come every year. I'd be fine with just having my granddaughter to stay, but she is too young to travel by herself, and her mother clearly expects to come as well, every year.

You are just going to have to be ho est and say due to the increase of everything that its not going to be financially viable next year if they think you are loaded then they will continue to abuse your generosity, so nip it in the bud by letting them know you are no longer as well off as they think you are

So did your "dil" actually say "I expect to come over every year"??!

Either way, yes for your own peace of mind this needs to be nipped in the bud.

Do you communicate via email? Facetime? I would email something to stop you worrying.

You could say maybe as it was so expensive it might be best to wait until your grandaughter is able to visit you by herself - she'll be ten in a couple of years after all. Then win-win - it's much less expensive and you get proper quality time and you can control the activities, spending and address her behaviour as you see fit.

To be honest, the situation is fucked up from the start with you paying for your son's child and it skews everything.

Just say "next year I will visit you again because it's cheaper and hopefully by the time GD is 10 you will be happy for her to visit along"

Just because they know you 'can afford it' doesn't mean you shouldn't be expected to choose a better value option.

*visit alone. Not along.

This entirely

I think you need to make out that your financial situation has changed...
So send a message saying that you would love to see them (and parents too if you are) but you would be unable to host, so they will have to rent a place nearby and pay for their own flights etc. Then just don't offer to pay for meals etc. Or take your GD out without them.

"Hi Alices mum, it was lovely to see Alice and you, but I simply cannot afford to repeat this level of generosity. Therefore I will be visiting, as previously, on ( insert dates)."

If you leave the door open, even a crack, they will wheedle their way through it. Sorry, but being blunt an absolute, in my opinion, is the only way through this. Perhaps when Alice is older she can visit on her own.

And maybe add something about how the costs added up to more than you had anticipated last time, so you can;t sustain it going forwards

You’re going to have to be fairly blunt about it if it’s obvious you can afford it. Tell Alice’s mum that you are happy for them
to visit, but you will only cover Alice’s costs and mum’s travel costs. Otherwise, stick to you going to visit Alice and treating her while you’re there.

I take your son has medical conditions/mental health stopping him able to contribute.

That said it's NOT your job to pay his child maintenance. If he's not earning, she shouldn't expect you to pay instead. I would immediately put a stop to this.

I would send a polite message saying about her parents joining and to get in touch when they've brought their flight tickets. Giving her the hint she needs that you're not paying.

OP, they are complete cheeky fuckers. Please don't subsidise holidays for the family.

They should have no clue about your finances. Don't apologise, don't explain. Just tell them you will not be able to fund a trip for them.

Realistically any negative reaction by you (eg not paying for mum etc) could be met with a refusal to allow you to see your grandchild. Is it possible you can deal with the annoyance financially for another few years until she's old enough to travel alone?

I'm not for one minute saying it should be this way, but to spend that guaranteed quality time with your granddaughter every year is surely worth the financial aspect if you can afford it.

I have parents who have ample wealth (emigrated to over side of world) and have zero interest in seeing my son. I would do everything I could in your power to keep the relationship with Alice going.

This...plus GD can fly as an unaccompanied minor.

That is so messed up from their perspective. Just because you have money doesn't mean that you have to spend it on whoever feels entitled to it.

If she mentions coming to see you again with your GD just say Oh Great, cant wait to see you - but don't mention anything about finance. If she brings up you having to pay for their trip you can just look at her and say "seriously, you expect me to pay for your trip - where did you get that idea from - last year was a one off treat".

I know I have to say something, and soon. But it is going to be such an awkward conversation. As I've said, we have very little in common. Different cultures, different ways of interacting, different expectations. I get on quite well with Alice's other grandmother, but find it difficult to connect with her mother.

I think I may need to find an opportunity to talk to the other grandmother on her own, although that's rarely possible.

Work out what you are willing to pay (if anything) and go from there. When it next comes up
in conversation tell her you’re happy to pay for EasyJet flights and put them up for a week with home cooked food (or whatever it is you are happy with) but any extras such as days and or eating out they’ll need to take enough spending money for. Or if your happy to pay for an AirBNB for them to stay in then tell her that.
Or if you don’t want to the mother to come you’ll have to visit your granddaughter.