Granddaughter's family taking advantage? Annual visits funded by me!

[ParsleyorCoriander]

Name changed as this is rather personal. Please help me with my dilemma!

I have an 8 y.o. granddaughter ('Alice') who lives with her mum and extended family abroad. My son/her father has limited contact (complex reasons) but I am paying financial support on his behalf and visit 2-3 times a year (staying in hotels - they would not have room to host me). I get on well with Alice on a 121 basis and spend a lot of time together when I’m visiting.

This year I paid for her and her mum to visit me for a month. I paid for flights, transportation, food and eating out, excursions, everything, and they stayed at my house. In total it cost me over £3000. All this was accepted with good grace by her mum, but barely a thank you. She also made very little effort to interact.

I have always noticed signs of Alice being spoiled. This became blatantly obvious during their stay. Wherever we went she asked for and was invariably bought ‘stuff’. Lots of cuddly toys, books, games, plus trinkets and plastic tat. Food would be ordered and she often barely touched it, without remonstration from her mum. Her mum also lets her get away with being moody and borderline rude, such as ignoring questions, whining/moaning/whinging and not saying please/thank you. Her mother also spent serious money on stuff for herself - but offered to pay for a meal just once.

I love my granddaughter dearly and most of the time she is absolutely lovely but all this has left a somewhat sour note. Her mum keeps talking about “when we come next summer…” and has said that she expects these visits to become a yearly event, with me clearly expected to fund it. What is more, her mum and dad have stated they want to come too! I'm not sure how they are going to fund this trip as they are not very well off.

Yes, I could theoretically afford these visits, but we’d be talking several thousands each year. Ultimately it would mean that I’d be taking money away from my own DC and other potential grandchildren they might have. Also, I'm not sure I would be comfortable on an emotional level to host them every year as we have very little in common.

I feel uncomfortable and that I'm being taken advantage of, and that I need to say something now to manage future expectations. I’m a natural unassertive, conflict avoidant people pleaser and this is causing me a great deal of anxiety. How would you handle this?

You shouldnt be paying for any of them at all- Your GD inc.
If you want to see your GD go visit in her home country. I'd tell your Ex DIL you will be visiting them only as cant afgord to pay for them to visit agai- Why did you pay for your EX DIL mother?
Your Son sounds useless..

This is perfect.

I wouldn't let any of your criticisms of mum's parenting style known though. Seperste issue.

Then you'll have to see her at her home

'It was wonderful having you and GD over to visit this summer and I'm glad you both enjoyed it; it's not sustainable to host you every year though so next year I will visit you as before. In a few years maybe GD will be old enough to travel and stay with me on her own.

I think this was a good suggestion, However, sustaining might be confusing for her. it might be simpler and less open to misunderstanding if you say,

I was happy to cover all your expenses in the UK this year, but I am sorry but I cannot afford to do this every year or pay for two extra relatives as well.

Also, I would leave out all mention of the GD travelling on her own - it could be read as you not wanting the mum around and cause offence Its also raising a second point for them to disagree with and start arguing about - and not what you are trying to get across in this message. Why not wait until you think she is old enough and ask them.

Alternatively, you could travel over there, bring her back, and Mum pops over for a weekend and collects. That way you'd only be paying for Mum's flights and weekend expenses. It would probably work out much cheaper and your GD has already visited you, so it wouldn't feel so strange.

I think the best way is to just straight out say "I can't fund a big trip like that every year - I will come to you for the next couple of years as that keeps costs a lot lower, and hopefully I'll be able to manage for you to come here again in maybe 2025"

And when the time comes, you only pay for your granddaughter and one accompanying adult (of their choice). Any additional adults can be self-funding or not come.

But as to your issues with your Granddaughter's behaviour and upbringing, unfortunately this is none of your business and you have no place to comment. Only those with direct parental responsibility can make the decisions on how to regulate and discipline a child and maybe their decisions are very different from what you would have gone for, but you are not called upon to have an opinion.

They would not allow this.

The very clear expectation is that I fund these visits for both mum and daughter.

Other grandparents have mentioned booking a hotel for themselves, but it's still going to be quite stressful for me.

Why are people slagging off dad? OP has said it's complicated. She is stepping up and providing financial support which she doesn't have to do. It's really cruel when you don't know the full picture. He could be really unwell.

I'm sorry you've had people slagging off your son OP.

So basically they are happy for you to be in your granddaughter’s life if it doesn’t cost them
anything which I think is fair enough.

I'd frame it as now Alice is a bit older and is clearly comfortable with you, youd like to spend some time alone with her.

You may have to fly there and back with Alice. You could then spend a week with her and then either fly back with her or pay for her mum to come over and stay for a weekend and fly her back.

Thank you, @FaazoHuyzeoSix and @DuckbilledSplatterPuff . I'm going to have to summon up courage to do something along those lines.

I think part of the problem is that they can already feel that I'm pulling back, which makes it more awkward.

The fact is that she might not feel comfortable with you either and might perceive her coming here for a month as a sacrifice (emotionally, psychologically etc) that she's prepared to make in order to facilitate a relationship between her daughter and you.
My mother in law lives abroad and, should something happen to my DH, I would expect her to want to pay for my children (and me if they were young) to stay overseas with her for holidays (we could not afford it and she could). I would really not want to go but I absolutely would do so for the sake of my children (and my mil; even though I don't really care for her that much, she deserves a relationship with her grandchildren).
You're making a financial sacrifice to make all this happen but it may be that she feels that she is also sacrificing in a different way to make this happen.
That said, I think you can easily explain that you want to visit them next year again instead and that's obviously totally reasonable.

I’m also a grandma with complicated family dynamics no international travel involved though.
I’m going to speak in bald practical terms, do you want to see your grand daughter? If you do it’s going to cost one way or the other. Option 1 you want to give your grand daughter a holiday and to see her and accept that her mum will need to come along with her in the meantime (knock the other relatives joining on the head unless they are willing to self fund) and recognise that there is no way that her mum is going to fund a costly trip herself, also maybe taking annual leave, just so that you can see your grand daughter. So if you don’t pay they just won’t come.
Option 2 go over there to see your grand daughter and accept what time they are able to accommodate you seeing her she won’t get a holiday out of it but you’ll get to see her.
Either way don’t waste this once a year special time finding fault with your grand daughters behaviour, your input once a year is not going to change anything and will just spoil the time you do have with her.

There is a lot going on here OP, and I think you need to be really clear what your main issues are and what you want from the relationship.

Your opening post is largely about the cost, your later posts about not really liking the mum and not wanting her in your home for a month. Both of these are fair but which is the driver? If they paid for their own trips etc. would you be happy to host? If yes, then that leads to one answer. If no, it’s a different one.

If her family were going to pay for themselves, would you be happy if they came? Again, if yes - that takes you to one outcome. If no, a different one.

My DP is from the other side of the world and her poor health has made me reflect on how I would need to keep a relationship with our children’s GP if anything were to happen to her. I would fly around the world to facilitate it as they adore her but it absolutely would not be a holiday for me. They are nice people but not how I would want to spend my time. So you should probably reframe it in your mind. If you don’t much like spending time with her, the feeling is probably mutual. She is doing a good thing by facilitating the relationship even though your son can’t. That doesn’t excuse her expecting you to pay for everything etc. but I really don’t think you should see it as her having a free holiday.

Could you go out there to see them? Stay in a nearby hotel perhaps. Maybe one year here then next at theirs?

Must be a difficult situation to be in. I can fully understand why you would feel you need to be careful with how you approach things. It could obviously result in your ex Dil going no contact, and the end of your relationship with your GD. The only solution is for you to visit your GD, and remove the option of them visiting you. In a diplomatic way, ie just indicate you no longer have the money to fund it.

I don't think that's a good way to go. As awkward as it might be it must be communicated to the child's mother. Be as friendly and regretful as you like while being clear.

I think @DuckbilledSplatterPuff’s wording is good:

I was happy to cover all your expenses in the UK this year, but I am sorry but I cannot afford to do this every year or pay for two extra relatives as well.

And I think the suggestion that you go to them next year is a good one and one to make early.

I would stick to visiting them and stay in a hotel nearby.

Far less drama.

Really hard op. I agree this shouldn’t fall on you, but it’s a shame that an innocent little girl misses out because of whatever’s going on with her father. Really tough.

If you want a relationship with Alice you have no choice but to cultivate a relationship with her mother.

I wouldn't allow my 8yo to go to another country.

Regardless of the whys if your son is not an active parent then it is all on her. And as you can't have an independent realtionship with an 8 yo you are going to have to make friends

You aren't being taken advantage of - you asked them.

They'd like to come again, you can't do it as a regular thing - so just make that clear - I'd really love to come and see you for a couple of short trips as usual, but because of money/other commitments I can't have you over next year.

There's no point getting bent out of shape about your ex DIL's parenting. It is what it is. Focus on having a nice relationship with your GD and obviously set your own boundaries.

Hi OP,
Just tell them "sorry I can't afford to do this every year". Easy as that. You seem certain that they know you can afford it. Unless you told them about your income/outgoings/disposable income/savings this is just not true.

You could be building a castle with an indoor pool and stables with staff and not be able to afford it. Those things don't come cheap. Lots of people with huge assets are in huge debt.

I think perhaps you should reflect on your own part in this though. You paid for the flights - you must have discussed them and agreed a month. That was too much. If there is a next time just say you can only manage a week or two.

The costs racked up because you went sightseeing and out for meals a lot. Sure you would want to do these things at times on a holiday but with a month long visit there would need to be lots of visits to the park, swimming pool and jacket potatoes/supermarket pizza meals etc for most people.

You only spend 3 grand because you flashed the cash too much.

If they visit again suggest they choose somewhere they would like for a day out and other days plan some low key activities. Set expectations that their first visit was exceptional but not something you can repeat if they come again.

Sorry you're getting posts like this, the small amount you mentioned about your son early on made it obvious there were some exceptional circumstances, and should be off limits.

I think you need to play the long game here. In a few years, your GD will be old enough to travel alone, you need to keep up the visits in the meantime.

But a month is an incredibly long time, why so long? Do they live on the other side of the world?

Suggest a fortnight next summer for GD and her mum to visit.

If flights aren't massively expensive, you could suggest a week in summer and a week at Easter.

If your son has serious issues and you have picked up the child maintenance bill instead of him that is very kind of you. It means your dgd is provided for as you would wish in the place of your fs's possible provision.

Beyond that I would think that anything extra, for example your visits to her or having her and extended family over here should be entirely your own choice.

By all means go to visit dgd if that makes you and her happy, but please don't make the mistake of being seen as a convenient cash machine.
I would start by making it clear that you cannot afford/don't wish to pay for and host the whole extended family. If it makes it easier explain that you have to think of provision for the rest of your growing family. So the extended family can only come if they are paying their own way regarding flights and accommodation.
Regarding your dgd and maybe her mother coming over. You need to keep cost and hosting to what you are comfortable with or you will definitely begin to resent what you are doing, as will your other Dc if spending on this dgd impacts on what you can do with the rest of your family. If I still wanted to see dgc over here I think I would possibly pay for flights but no ot accommodation if that is feasible. Or cut the time they are here to half so two weeks. Be In that time do cheap or free activities. Coastal walks and picnics free / cheap other activities. Maybe one meal out midway and one on final evening. One age appropriate cinema visit. There are lots of ways to hang out cheaply and freely. After all they are coming for yours and the rest of the family's company hopefully. Tell them in advance you will not be able to do/cannot afford the all singing all dancing hosting you did the first time around. That was a special once only occasion. If they still come and enjoy what you all do, you are valued as a first grandma that the child wants to see. If they don't come or font enjoy the slimmed down version ...fair enough. You know where you stand. This has nothing to do with whether you can afford the whole thing or not. It's to do with whether you are valued, not just for the money you provide bit also as yourself. If you find otherwise, by all means still provide the much needed maintenance money but detach gr all the extra you are currently doing. 💐