Granddaughter's family taking advantage? Annual visits funded by me!

[ParsleyorCoriander]

Name changed as this is rather personal. Please help me with my dilemma!

I have an 8 y.o. granddaughter ('Alice') who lives with her mum and extended family abroad. My son/her father has limited contact (complex reasons) but I am paying financial support on his behalf and visit 2-3 times a year (staying in hotels - they would not have room to host me). I get on well with Alice on a 121 basis and spend a lot of time together when I’m visiting.

This year I paid for her and her mum to visit me for a month. I paid for flights, transportation, food and eating out, excursions, everything, and they stayed at my house. In total it cost me over £3000. All this was accepted with good grace by her mum, but barely a thank you. She also made very little effort to interact.

I have always noticed signs of Alice being spoiled. This became blatantly obvious during their stay. Wherever we went she asked for and was invariably bought ‘stuff’. Lots of cuddly toys, books, games, plus trinkets and plastic tat. Food would be ordered and she often barely touched it, without remonstration from her mum. Her mum also lets her get away with being moody and borderline rude, such as ignoring questions, whining/moaning/whinging and not saying please/thank you. Her mother also spent serious money on stuff for herself - but offered to pay for a meal just once.

I love my granddaughter dearly and most of the time she is absolutely lovely but all this has left a somewhat sour note. Her mum keeps talking about “when we come next summer…” and has said that she expects these visits to become a yearly event, with me clearly expected to fund it. What is more, her mum and dad have stated they want to come too! I'm not sure how they are going to fund this trip as they are not very well off.

Yes, I could theoretically afford these visits, but we’d be talking several thousands each year. Ultimately it would mean that I’d be taking money away from my own DC and other potential grandchildren they might have. Also, I'm not sure I would be comfortable on an emotional level to host them every year as we have very little in common.

I feel uncomfortable and that I'm being taken advantage of, and that I need to say something now to manage future expectations. I’m a natural unassertive, conflict avoidant people pleaser and this is causing me a great deal of anxiety. How would you handle this?

You don't need to communicate anything to Alices family. Silence and non-payment for flights is enough.
If you really must say something:
"As much as I love seeing and spending time with Alice, which you already know, I simply can't afford another extended stay for her here. It is much more manageable for me to fly out to see her, so that is what I will do for the foreseeable future."
As for Alice's behaviour - that just sounds like typical "kid on holiday" behaviour, and nothing too weird. It seems like you may be projecting a lot of your annoyance over this very complex issue, into "mis-behaving kid", because that is something more reasonable and dealable-with. Rather than all the other son-related issues.

You are doing a really good thing staying in touch with Alice, and making sure your side of the family are involved with her. BUT you must also see that you have a massive "son problem", and NOT a massive "Alice and ILs problem."

You are obviously already doing a lot to support your DGD by visiting and paying financial support, so it's not as if you owe them anything. I would say you are unable to host next summer but that you will continue to visit as per usual. That would allow you to break the cycle of it becoming a yearly expectation. If the mum didn't like London so much, I wonder if she would be so up for it!!

Sorry if someone had already said this but what about alternating years for them to come and stay ? Or every 3? That way they still get the trip but it’s less intense and less expensive for you whilst keeping everyone sweet.

” It was fantastic to have you to stay but it’s not really feasible to do it every year. Shall we get dates in for 2024? It would be lovely to have you every other year”

also, couldn’t they come for 2 weeks rather than a month, that seems more reasonable.

But it’s a massive double standard to expect nothing of your son but everything of your grand daughters mother! Are you fully aware of all the stresses and strains on her?!

If you DIL genuinely can't afford or simply won't pay her own flights to visit you - you may have to accept that in order to see your GD that you'll either have to make the trip yourself or pay for both of them to visit you. You've already said that DIL won't let your GD come over on her own, and given her age that is understandable.

When they visit you or you visit them you'll have to do cheaper days out or stay in - but that will probably be boring for your GD. If you GD demands treats/trinkets/food etc - you can simply say 'no'. As much as we don't like seeing children disappointed, they need to learn they can't have everything. Alternatively, you could give your GD an allowance each day and once she spends it - no more!

As for DILs parents coming in - maybe she wants them there as she feels uncomfortable with the visits. It helps to be honest with your expectations. It doesn't matter if they think you can or should pay for her parents. I wouldn't bring money or affordability into it - especially as it sounds from you that they wouldn't believe you anyway. Simply say that her parents are welcome to visit, but you can't host them. No need to provide any other explainations - just a simple - no, that isn't possible. And if they come with DIL - it might be the ideal opportunity to suggest that you have 1:1 with your GD and DIL can spend time with her parents doing something else together.

If you’re planning on having them to stay and footing the bill, try this:

’Hi Cheeky Fucker. Really looking forward to having you and Alice come and stay with me. Just to manage expectations, I’ll only be able to pay for the two of you but there’s a lovely hotel down the road and your parents can stay there if they would like to join us’

Is it possible to have Alice visit and stay at your home without her mother? If that is not possible the only option is for you to visit her or be frank about the finances and not having enough to fun Alice and extras. Alternatively you could offer for Alice to come with mother and rent a apartment rather than get a hotel so they mother has her own cooking facilities and space to stay while you take Alice out for the day for quality time?

I don’t know the circumstance, but if I were the granddaughter’s mom I would feel like I was doing this for the grandmother and at my inconvenience. Sounds like the father contributes nothing financially, emotionally, or time so she has the burden alone. In addition to different cultures, the mom may have all kinds of things going on in her head. I hope the child is not spoiled, but my main concern now would be to stay in this child’s life. I think I would shorten the trip considerably and continue until the child is of age to travel alone. I would let the mom know that when the child can fly alone you would prefer to have her 1 on 1.

At the age your granddaughter is, I'm afraid you are being unreasonable not to expect any plans to involve her mother. Whether you like DIL, or have anything in common with her, is really neither here nor there.

I think it's laudable that you have stepped up financially for your GD while your son is not in a position to do so, and it makes you a good human being. But unfortunately it does not give you any rights with regard to access to your GD, so if you want to have a relationship with your GD, you will need at least some sort of working relationship with her mother. You definitely don't need to pay for anyone else though.

This seems like a good idea.

OP, what about suggesting meeting in the middle for two weeks holiday? You could spend time with your granddaughter while her mum relaxes by the pool and you’d be in neutral territory.

If you do have some funds available I would offer to pay for the flights for mother and GD only and then maybe suggest a local holiday cottage for the family to stay in during their visit. That way you are contributing to the flights but don't have to host. Perhaps they will allow GD to stay with you alone some of the time if they are close by so you get to have 1 to 1 time with her.

It seems reasonable for OP to pay the flights of the mother if she wants a very young child to visit her

Oh FFS, OP has not said she wants the child to visit. OP is doing 2/3 visits per year to grandchild's country and seems happy with that. It's the family pushing for annual visits paid for by OP. They think they have found a cash cow.

h FFS, OP has not said she wants the child to visit. OP is doing 2/3 visits per year to grandchild's country and seems happy with that. It's the family pushing for annual visits paid for by OP. They think they have found a cash cow
The OP invited them and they accepted the invitation.

Go over to them for a weekend, so you’re only paying two night’s hotel accommodation. Bring Alice back with yo for a couple of weeks.

The money you save on hotel fees can pay for the extra flight for you to return her home - a single for her and a return for you.

Think you're just trolling me now. OP was fine to pay for this visit but doesn't want to pay for annual visits going forward.

'Ddil, I hope you and Alice had a great holiday. I'm very much looking forward to visiting you for my next holiday in (month). I know there was talk of you visiting london again soon but I won't be able to fund that for some years. I'm looking forward to when Alice is old enough to travel alone, we'll have such adventures. I'll speak to you soon x'

OP has repeatedly explained the mum won't let her dd leave the country without her.

Look, you've got two options:

(A) fork out this money and feel awkward

(B) don't fork out this money and feel awkward.

The awkwardness of having Alice's mum in your house for a month, the awkwardness of having difficult conversations - just gird yourself and move on from this. Muster up all your feminist strength and stand up for what you have decided is right for you. You're not doing anything wrong in stopping a freeloader in her tracks.

I'm sensing you feel a degree a guilt re your DS, perhaps that you need to make up for something. Your initial instincts are right: you have a duty to your existing and future grandchildren, and to your children. They come first. Alice's mum and her other grandparents are way down the list. You should only be "treating" them to the extent it benefits Alice, and to the proportionate extent of the disbenefit for you ie a smidge more than not at all.

Hi @ParsleyorCoriander, I'm sorry that things are so complicated for you.

Would you having an extended stay in Alice's home country with you taking her away for a week or two there be an acceptable compromise for her mum?

Should the OP be funding everything while they're here though?

I think you need to stop the visit to the Uk (unless they are willing to pay) and go visit them instead. At least here you are paying for yourself and not the extended family.

Have you thought about meeting elsewhere - Bali? More affordable for them to get to from Australia and you could offer to pay for a short holiday or just for dgd's flight and accommodation for dgd and her mum to share with you (a 2 bed apartment with a room for them to share)?

If you're really just unsure what to say then decide what you actually want - is it to be the one doing all the travelling?
If so, say that you can't host this August but would like to visit dgd instead (perhaps not in August or only for a week and combine it with your own travels or holiday on a stop over)

If it's for your 8 year old dgd to visit solo that's not a reasonable request and by the sounds of it you've already established that. You could work towards it for when she's 14 or so though.

You say "the other side of the world" - so a 21 hour flight to Australia?

Your granddaughter is 8?

Her mother is a teacher?

In reality very few sole parents would happily send an 8 year old on a 21 hour flight to stay a month with the mum of the child's other, long term non involved, parent. People who'd send an 11 year old as an unaccompanied minor to stay with their other, involved, parent in France or Spain would be very likely not to do the same with a 21 hour flight each way an a child who is only 8.

I don't think the mum is a chancer necessarily - it's highly likely she feels her end of the deal is bringing her daughter up solo and giving up her main holiday to facilitate grandparent contact.

So her mother has school holidays off but it's actually quite a big deal to spend a month taking an 8 year old to visit the parent/s of the child's totally uninvolved (even if this is for unavoidable mental health or similar reasons) father.

No matter how much the mum likes London it's not a true holiday to travel long haul stay with the mum if your ex in order to facilitate grandparent contact.

They have something you want: Alice.

You have something they want: money.

In the end you have to decide. What is it about money or love?

You say it would be feasible to have another visit like last year. You COULD afford it.

However it seems to me you judge how they are bringing up your grand-daughter and you think they are taking advantage of you.

I'm not sure it's entirely such a one-way street. She isn't there to be your friend, Alice's mother. She just happened to marry your DS. She may not like you either.

If this was about love, which it is, what would your heart tell you?

To me, you've become obsessed with being taken advantage of. But in the end, what about the little girl.

As a compromise, I'd suggest a 2 week holiday instead.

Say the 4 weeks was to work out if it worked - and it did but you have to consider doing this as a long-term thing and 2 weeks is all you can manage.

Then you get to see your GD and you don't have to spend so much time with the DM.

But in the end ask yourself - what do you get out of the visit? Did you enjoy having Alice? Or not?

If no, then don't do it. If yes, do it again. Forget about the niggles of being taken advantage of. That may be happening - but you are getting to spend time with your GD.

If you want contributions - then you have to say a little more. You can't sit there and fester. Speak up in the moment. Maybe she didn't know you expected her to pay. You sound a bit like people should read your mind. If they don't have money - then of course they aren't going to spend it when you obviously have so much more.

If you think you should be treated to a meal or more thanks, then make some comment to show it's expected.

don't forget also you come from a different generation when expectations were different. Honestly, you sound a bit like my Dad.

Triggered.

What about going there and paying for a week/ weekend away.
A month is far too long
i Can’t think of anyone I’d want to spend a month with - maybe my sis but there’d still be strain.