Granddaughter's family taking advantage? Annual visits funded by me!

[ParsleyorCoriander]

Name changed as this is rather personal. Please help me with my dilemma!

I have an 8 y.o. granddaughter ('Alice') who lives with her mum and extended family abroad. My son/her father has limited contact (complex reasons) but I am paying financial support on his behalf and visit 2-3 times a year (staying in hotels - they would not have room to host me). I get on well with Alice on a 121 basis and spend a lot of time together when I’m visiting.

This year I paid for her and her mum to visit me for a month. I paid for flights, transportation, food and eating out, excursions, everything, and they stayed at my house. In total it cost me over £3000. All this was accepted with good grace by her mum, but barely a thank you. She also made very little effort to interact.

I have always noticed signs of Alice being spoiled. This became blatantly obvious during their stay. Wherever we went she asked for and was invariably bought ‘stuff’. Lots of cuddly toys, books, games, plus trinkets and plastic tat. Food would be ordered and she often barely touched it, without remonstration from her mum. Her mum also lets her get away with being moody and borderline rude, such as ignoring questions, whining/moaning/whinging and not saying please/thank you. Her mother also spent serious money on stuff for herself - but offered to pay for a meal just once.

I love my granddaughter dearly and most of the time she is absolutely lovely but all this has left a somewhat sour note. Her mum keeps talking about “when we come next summer…” and has said that she expects these visits to become a yearly event, with me clearly expected to fund it. What is more, her mum and dad have stated they want to come too! I'm not sure how they are going to fund this trip as they are not very well off.

Yes, I could theoretically afford these visits, but we’d be talking several thousands each year. Ultimately it would mean that I’d be taking money away from my own DC and other potential grandchildren they might have. Also, I'm not sure I would be comfortable on an emotional level to host them every year as we have very little in common.

I feel uncomfortable and that I'm being taken advantage of, and that I need to say something now to manage future expectations. I’m a natural unassertive, conflict avoidant people pleaser and this is causing me a great deal of anxiety. How would you handle this?

This is a good point. Based on your posts, your DIL could easily be posting elsewhere on MN saying how hard work she finds you and the expectations you have of her, the judgements you make but that she is trying to put your DGD’s needs first.

She has the final say on your relationship with your DGD, and so parenting alone. Did you thank her for coming all this way to visit you?

id open communication about the trip

dear Mum of Alice,

What dates did you have for visiting? I can pay for Alices return flight, will you be ok to fund your own flight? Will your parents be flying at the same time and where will they be staying? I can give you some reccomendations of places nearby

@ParsleyorCoriander I get it. This is a really tricky situation for you. I'm sorry to hear things are so hard for your son, as well.

We have a really similar situation within my extended family. The issue is that in our case, the grandmother in your position is perceived to have taken on all the roles the father of the child would usually be expected to take on. She is now sort of treated as having the same responsibilities a dedicated father "should" have - and I suppose what you are doing for your granddaughter and her mother may seem more "expected" if you were actually the child's father, IYSWIM?

As for the child's behaviour not being great, I think you probably just have to "live with it". Is it possible that lack of contact with her father is being "overcompensated" for here?

I agree with PP that you visiting them instead might be best, if having the mother of the child in the house doesn't work for you. Or could you make it a shorter trip? Would it actually be EASIER for you if the other grandparents were there, if you get on well with Alice's other grandmother? Or do you really think they'd expect you to pay for EVERYONE's travel??

Well done for being a good grandmother, by the way. It's great that Alice gets to maintain a relationship with her dad's extended family and culture, despite her dad not being able to be involved directly. Good luck with all of this, and I hope things improve for your son, too.

Don’t bring the other grandmother into this op. Just send a text or an email with your choice of example on here. No need for a phone call.
You can confirm you will still visit and be happy to meet up if they are travelling close to you.

I would plan some special days just for Alice, so you can treat her if you want to. It’s poor form they have taken so much from you already op. Try to focus on bonding rather than buying stuff exciting memories are more powerful and important.

Excuse clumsy typos. Among others ...not first grandma ...should be loved grandma 😁

I know it's important for Alice to spend time in the UK, but this isn't working out for you with the current arrangement. Could you not just stick to your visits to her country and then she can come alone when she is older?

In the meantime, you need to be very clear about this - any risk of confusion will mean another awkward conversation. Just say you'd always be happy to see Alice in the UK but wont be able to host any more, so will look forward to your visits to her.

It's none of their business what money you have or don't have. Do you really think they will say 'but you're rich, you MUST do pay for us to come'?

There's nothing that indicates that to me and you're just being nasty

I wouldn't let my 8 year old fly on her own.

Be grateful that her mum is willing to sacrifice her time to come and visit you.

If you want to see your grandchild then this is what you have to do. If you can afford it then I don't understand the issue. It's not ideal but it isn't the child's fault that her father can't be a father to her.

If you don't want to pay for it all then tell her.

And you sound very judgy and materialistic.

It's not just the actual money. It's more that I feel taken advantage of.

Because you are. Every bit of advice on this thread will be the same: stand up for yourself.

You have no idea what’s going on with OP’s son. He could be in prison, severely disabled, in a vegetative state, severely mentally ill… what a horrible and unjustified comment.

I think this is perfect. And hat's off to you, OP, for paying CM for your son.

Well say you've taken a hit on the stock market so investment funds are affected. You're going to take a tax hit, energy hit anyway.

Just to clarify:

I already visit 2-3 times a year, but do not stay with them.
They live the other side of the world, so I can't just pop over for the weekend.
They would not allow Alice to fly on her own, or with me/without her mother, until she is much older.
My son/Alice's dad - I wouldn't even know where to start but it's not as simple as him being 'useless'
Alice's mum is a teacher, so taking leave to visit is not an issue.
They know I can afford it, and they very clearly expect to come and visit.
They all live together as an extended family and the other grandmother is Alice's main carer. I would find it easier to have this awkward talk with her than her mum.

Are you in a position to fly over to collect your DGD and fly back with her, then the same at the end of the trip?

Can you not just say oh yes would be lovely to do it again when Alice is older/every few years/meet in x/won’t be able to next year but hopefully at some point in the future.

Reported for nastiness.

All the judgmental comments do make me laugh; you don't know this lady from Adam!

OP, you do your upmost for you GD, it sounds like a really difficult situation, and you're doing as much as you can to keep a relationship with her.

It's not going to be an easy conversation, but if you leave it too long, it will get harder.

There have been some great examples of what you could say on this post, I do like the not sustainable message, perhaps with an offer to look after GD whilst she and her parents do some sightseeing/shopping?

Please don't take strangers comments to heart, there are some true vipers on here, you don't deserve the comments either.

I hope you find a solution, (I also agree, just because you can, doesn't mean you have to, or should be expected to)

Harsh! You don't know anything about the sons situation.

One more thing: the mother absolutely loves London and would live here if she could, so the visits definitely are NOT a sacrifice for her. Quite the opposite!

You need to stop invalidating this women as your granddaughter’s mother. It doesn’t matter if you don’t like her, just because you have taken over parenting duties on behalf of your son doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to go around the mother and to the other grandmother instead. It’s rude and disrespectful. If you want to maintain a relationship with your grandchild you need to at least be respectful of her mother.

Just don’t invite them next summer if you don’t want them over, it’s as simple as that. It it comes up ‘I think I’ll just come to you this year as normal’.

Nothing I loathe more than being taken advantage of as well op. I would just fly over there until she is at an age to travel alone. If it's not doable, then I would be prepared not to see Alice if it meant the whole CF family come over. They are probably looking at you with dollar signs in their eyes and planning how to take even more of an advantage of you. Greedy Cf's.

Funny how in typical MN fashion everyone jumps on the father, yet it really sounds like this child's mother (the main carer for whatever reason, none of our business) is doing a pretty terrible job raising her and turning her into a spoiled madam.

None of us has absolutely any idea why her son isn't involved. Don't imply anything regarding what's going on in his life.