Granddaughter's family taking advantage? Annual visits funded by me!

[ParsleyorCoriander]

Name changed as this is rather personal. Please help me with my dilemma!

I have an 8 y.o. granddaughter ('Alice') who lives with her mum and extended family abroad. My son/her father has limited contact (complex reasons) but I am paying financial support on his behalf and visit 2-3 times a year (staying in hotels - they would not have room to host me). I get on well with Alice on a 121 basis and spend a lot of time together when I’m visiting.

This year I paid for her and her mum to visit me for a month. I paid for flights, transportation, food and eating out, excursions, everything, and they stayed at my house. In total it cost me over £3000. All this was accepted with good grace by her mum, but barely a thank you. She also made very little effort to interact.

I have always noticed signs of Alice being spoiled. This became blatantly obvious during their stay. Wherever we went she asked for and was invariably bought ‘stuff’. Lots of cuddly toys, books, games, plus trinkets and plastic tat. Food would be ordered and she often barely touched it, without remonstration from her mum. Her mum also lets her get away with being moody and borderline rude, such as ignoring questions, whining/moaning/whinging and not saying please/thank you. Her mother also spent serious money on stuff for herself - but offered to pay for a meal just once.

I love my granddaughter dearly and most of the time she is absolutely lovely but all this has left a somewhat sour note. Her mum keeps talking about “when we come next summer…” and has said that she expects these visits to become a yearly event, with me clearly expected to fund it. What is more, her mum and dad have stated they want to come too! I'm not sure how they are going to fund this trip as they are not very well off.

Yes, I could theoretically afford these visits, but we’d be talking several thousands each year. Ultimately it would mean that I’d be taking money away from my own DC and other potential grandchildren they might have. Also, I'm not sure I would be comfortable on an emotional level to host them every year as we have very little in common.

I feel uncomfortable and that I'm being taken advantage of, and that I need to say something now to manage future expectations. I’m a natural unassertive, conflict avoidant people pleaser and this is causing me a great deal of anxiety. How would you handle this?

They wouldn't allow this, no way. Not until she is well into her teens. (I did raise the subject.)

I think Alice deserves a connection to her father's family, and that if you can fund that it would be the decent thing to do.

I would make a very clear offer, "Would you like to come for a fortnight in July, I'd be happy to pay your flights if you can afford your spending money".

That’s really too much.

The family have shown they will take an inch if given a mile.

All you need say is WTE "Looking forward to seeing you next summer! Unfortunately due to a change of circumstances, I can't afford to pay all your costs and expenses this year. Hope you can still afford to come ."

It won't be long before Alice is old enough can be put on a plane under the care of stewards, to fly solo to visit you.

The other way around. 😝

A good phrase to use would be 'not sustainable' rather than can't afford.

'It was wonderful having you and GD over to visit this summer and I'm glad you both enjoyed it; it's not sustainable to host you every year though so next year I will visit you as before. In a few years maybe GD will be old enough to travel and stay with me on her own.

If you do decide to travel next summer with your parents please do let me know because I would love to see you all - maybe I can visit you wherever you are staying and we could all have dinner together?'

I would say your gd is spoilt to make up for your son which may not be right but it is something most people would do so it may be something you have to accept. Your dil isn’t thankful etc because she’s possibly bitter about your son and visiting to keep some family dynamic or yes maybe just to get a holiday but again if your son isn’t in the picture they don’t have it easy. Yes I’d stop funding but I also think you need to be more understanding (sorry!)

What nationality are they?
I would say something like.
Hello Alice's Mum, I enjoyed having you both to stay, however, I was shocked, when I did my books & realised I had spent nigh on 3K.
Obviously I wont be able to repeat this yearly. I will be happy to host Alice, once she is old enough to travel UM, but any extended family visits will have to be financed by yourselves ..,,
& remember to say thankyou

I wouldn’t want my 10 year old to fly solo because it suits the grandmother.

Come on OP, just tell them straight that you simply cannot afford to repeat your hosting them.

I would be interested in how much contact they would want with you if they believed you to be impoverished, with no prospect of an inheritance for your GD.

Don't be used.

Then travel to your GD
either stay there or take her back with you so it’s just you and her

Why don’t you fly to pick your GD up, bring her back to stay with you and then fly back with her afterwards?

The mum Isn’t really having a free holiday she’s facilitating a relationship between her daughter and the grandmother. The mother could easily stop any visits.
Stop judging her parenting I expect she’s doing the best she can as a single mother.

I would love to see Alice again next year. What plans you you have for your visit with your parents ? Have you got a hotel or Air B&B booked? Regrettably hosting you all wont be possible for me.
We will have to arrange a meal out together.

I'd say I can;t host as I need to save and if she mentions how disappointed she/her mum is, express huge surprise that her mum thought she could come. CFs!

To answer a few questions.

It's not just the actual money. It's more that I feel taken advantage of. The stated expectation that these visits will happen every year.

I cannot hide the fact that I can afford it. It's obvious from my lifestyle. Though it would become an issue if my other children were to have children (no sign of this happening any time soon as none of them are in steady relationships).

More than anything It's the fact that I simply don't feel comfortable with Alice's mum. I don't think we like each other very much, if I'm honest. I don't want to spend an entire month with her in my house!

It's pretty rude to expect a fully funded trip for yourself and your parents, even if it is under the guise of facilitating a relationship between grandmother and granddaughter.

OP, it sounds like this family think they can twist you round their finger.

Please don't give them the satisfaction.

I wouldn't get into the nitty gritty financials; that's tacky and will put them on the defensive.

Is there a reason you need to bring this up at all? Have they expressed expectation?

Why not just suggest some dates for you to visit them, staying in a nearby hotel, and if they counter with "we thought we were coming to you again," just kindly respond "Oh, I'm not able to host this year, but would love to spend a week in XCITY with you as we did in the past."

It makes me sad that you make this judgment without having ANY idea of what is going on with my son. That is a whole bucket more of heartbreak.

Just don’t invite them every year then. She isn’t unreasonable to expect to go on the visit to chaperone her daughter. If she doesn’t want her to fly alone, or just doesn’t want her to go alone in general then that’s completely reasonable.

Were you the one planning all the activities and meals out?

Im not getting any from from your post that she pushing you into any of it, it seems like it all came from you.

If I was in her position I wouldn’t be paying for flights as a single mother to go visit the absent father’s family. Maybe that sounds harsh but I don’t think most people would.

We don't know the circumstances. The son could have severe MH issues, among other reasons for not being available. That he is absent doesn't automatically make the child's mother a saint.