Granddaughter's family taking advantage? Annual visits funded by me!

[ParsleyorCoriander]

Name changed as this is rather personal. Please help me with my dilemma!

I have an 8 y.o. granddaughter ('Alice') who lives with her mum and extended family abroad. My son/her father has limited contact (complex reasons) but I am paying financial support on his behalf and visit 2-3 times a year (staying in hotels - they would not have room to host me). I get on well with Alice on a 121 basis and spend a lot of time together when I’m visiting.

This year I paid for her and her mum to visit me for a month. I paid for flights, transportation, food and eating out, excursions, everything, and they stayed at my house. In total it cost me over £3000. All this was accepted with good grace by her mum, but barely a thank you. She also made very little effort to interact.

I have always noticed signs of Alice being spoiled. This became blatantly obvious during their stay. Wherever we went she asked for and was invariably bought ‘stuff’. Lots of cuddly toys, books, games, plus trinkets and plastic tat. Food would be ordered and she often barely touched it, without remonstration from her mum. Her mum also lets her get away with being moody and borderline rude, such as ignoring questions, whining/moaning/whinging and not saying please/thank you. Her mother also spent serious money on stuff for herself - but offered to pay for a meal just once.

I love my granddaughter dearly and most of the time she is absolutely lovely but all this has left a somewhat sour note. Her mum keeps talking about “when we come next summer…” and has said that she expects these visits to become a yearly event, with me clearly expected to fund it. What is more, her mum and dad have stated they want to come too! I'm not sure how they are going to fund this trip as they are not very well off.

Yes, I could theoretically afford these visits, but we’d be talking several thousands each year. Ultimately it would mean that I’d be taking money away from my own DC and other potential grandchildren they might have. Also, I'm not sure I would be comfortable on an emotional level to host them every year as we have very little in common.

I feel uncomfortable and that I'm being taken advantage of, and that I need to say something now to manage future expectations. I’m a natural unassertive, conflict avoidant people pleaser and this is causing me a great deal of anxiety. How would you handle this?

Thanks, @TequilaNights , and others who have been helpfuland kind, I really appreciate your comments and suggestions. I'll have to go through them all again and come up with a plan. I'll be seeing them in a couple of weeks, so I have time to mull it over.

I don't think you can weigh up the value of keeping in touch with family, by itemising single issues - it's the sum of the parts. To have that relationship for your kids and other grandkids is priceless.

You also can't weigh it that it's worth the 3 grand when she's being cute , but not a good investment when she's whining.

The mother should say thank you, but I think the thing is that, when you haven't got anything like the necessary money to fund such a trip with add ons, you sort of have to just forget the expense and accept, philosophically that someone else is paying to make this family event happen.

It doesn't sound great on the part of the child's mother, but so long as she isn't trying to extract money for other side issue things, accept, I guess, that she thinks she is facilitating your relationship with Alice by giving up her time, giving her labour, explaining it all to Alice and being a good mother - if she thinks she is one. Perhaps she feels she is doing the dad's part too, most of the time.

If you can afford it, I'd go with it and try to get your son to step up.

How wonderful that you are spending all this time, energy, emotion and money to have a relationship with your gd!

You could just visit them, rather than hosting, until gd is older.

Or you be explicit: I would love for you and gd to stay. For (one week? 2 weeks?). I cannot host more than the 2 of you. I will offer room and board only.

I think we get it by now, she's taking advantage of your wealth and good nature. So again, the only way this stops is if you stand up for yourself and say the arrangement isn't sustainable.

(The GD being spoiled is irrelevant - unfortunately that's all up to the mother if dad's out of the picture.)

I think the mum is good really to bring your DGD over to see you - I'm sure she can think of more fun ways to spend her free time, and especially as your son is uninvolved she really doesn't have to go out of her way to facilitate contact with you, yet she is. It sounds like you dislike her and that you're maybe not seeing clearly everything she's doing for you. I would expect you to be thanking her more than I would expect her to be thanking you/

Unvoiced expectations are tricky, but this is just something that you need to use your words for. When she asks to bring her parents, you just need to tell her that you won't be able to fund it. If you would prefer to visit her next year rather than the other way round then you need to say. It may well affect your relationship with your DGD though, so consider carefully whether it's worth it.

With regards to your DGD's behaviour, I think you're being a bit unfair. She's a kid with no involved father, she's in a whole new country with different expectations and none of her comfort things and routines. If I was bringing my child into that kind of situation I would absolutely reduce demands on her and "spoil" her more than usual. The parenting you see in this highly unusual and stressful situation is unlikely to be the same parenting that happens day to day.

Alice sounds lucky to have you. I'm sure you want to maintain a relationship. But not at any price.

Perhaps you could say "I've had to prioritise some expenses this year and in future so although I'm happy to pay for x,y,z I won't be able to extend that to your parents."

So it's clear that yes, you could afford it but choose not to. Due to other, unnamed outgoings. If anyone is rude enough to question this be ready to point out that they have no idea what other expenses you have and you already make a generous financial contribution towards Alice's needs.

If you can afford to go there 2/3 times a year & they are ok with you seeing your GD then it might be best to stick with that.

When them visiting in the Summer is mentioned you surely just say that it isn't possible this year & you will go to them instead?

I agree @determinedtomakethiswork - why are so many people being so unpleasant about the OP's son. How on earth do people think they know what's going on on the basis of this thread?!

What is reasonable or not doesn’t actually help you here. You have a dilemma and need a plan.

Firstly, what do you actually want? Do you want Alice to visit next year? For how long? Etc.

Secondly, accept that you can’t change other peoples decisions or behaviour. But you have control over your own.

Thirdly, tell them what you would like to happen. But be prepared that your financial contribution may be necessary to keep Alice’s mum on side (whether that’s fair or not is another matter).

Its nasty

My issue is how do I communicate to Alice's family that I do not want to host them next year, and that I do not want to fund these trips on an annual basis?

"DiL it was great to have so much time with GD, but this is simply not something I can pay for on a regular basis."

Why should it cost them to facilitate your relationship with her? Especially if they don’t have much money.

Maybe they don’t feel comfortable enough around you to let her stay alone or they worry you’ll let her see your soon.

Just say you will go there.

OP is not demanding they visit her!

The OP is rightly annoyed that they expect her to fund visits for the mother (and the other grandparents).

Well your comments on your granddaughter are a bit shitty to be honest, she sounds like a young child, if they are staying for a month you are going to see the good the bad and the ugly. As for them making this into an annual thing and them inviting every man and his dog so you can spend thousands paying for it simply say no!! Say the offer of free accommodation is there for if her and her daughter want to visit anytime but you can't afford to fund the trip on an annual basis and she certainly can't be inviting anyone else!! She's just being a cheeky chancer as you sound like a pushover, sorry to be blunt.

Just tell her you can't afford to fund it all?

They see you as a cash cow and its really not fair, no matter how wealthy you are. I think you're assuming they know more about your wealth than they do. I know plenty of people with lovely houses, foreign holidays etc but I wouldn't automatically assume they had many thousands to spare. For all I know they could be up to their ears in debt.
You do need to say something. Say how important your granddaughter is to you, how you really enjoy your visits there but that you spent more than you were expecting last time they came. Say that you can't afford to do it again.

I know I have to say something, and soon. But it is going to be such an awkward conversation.

Why would it be awkward?
You already pay child maintenance on behalf of your son.
Your ex-DiL should be damn grateful for that, & not expect any more.

Don't get into it, & don't overthink it.
You don't need to justify not paying for a grown woman (& her parents!) to visit.
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain
There is no need to make excuses or talk about your income or what you can/cannot afford.

Ex-DiL's expectations are her own problem.
"I'd love to see you again, let me know when you have booked your flights."
If she then raises the issue you you paying for them -
"Oh that's not possible - last year was a one-off treat."

A simple “whilst I loved seeing you and Alice and it was lovely for you to be able to have a nice holiday, it was a one off” no excuses

I don’t know if that’s really fair though. It seems reasonable for OP to pay the flights of the mother if she wants a very young child to visit her. They are sort of a package deal, why should the mother be out the cost of a long haul flight to facilitate contact?

Plus OP has said the daughter said her parents would be booking a hotel or Airbnb, so it really doesn’t seem clear they she’s expecting OP to fund it.

Hi OP It is not good for you to have that being-taken-advantage-of feeling.
How about (put it in writing not conversation) :

"It was lovely to see you both. I am really looking forward to seeing you and Alice and the gp next time we meet, but that will need to be when I next fly out to [name of country]. Everything has gone up hugely, and I will not be able to host everyone here. It will be great to have you (ie the mother) and Alice visit in 2024 but we can arrange that nearer the time".
No need to be embarrassed about your finances - it is none of their business.

When you get round later to planning for 2024, make it clear to Alice's mother that the visit is not a blank cheque and that you will need to rein in your expenses somewhat. Days out walking by the sea, picnics, free attractions etc. etc. But that can come later when they have absorbed the fact that you cannot pay for them all. If you don't want the mother in your house for a whole month, what about renting a holiday cottage for some of it? It could free you up, as domestic stuff would be more shared.

They're cheeky fuckers. I'd just say something like:

"Hello [Alice's mum], let me know Alice's passport details and I'll book a flight for her. With the cost of living crisis still ongoing, I won't be able to pay for you so let me know what flight you're looking at and then I'll pay for Alice's ticket.
It's great your parents want to come too, hopefully they can book the same flight as you so you can all come over together. I'll send some hotel recommendations shortly so they can have a look and book something that suits their budget."

If they ask for you to pay, you don't owe any further explanation. Just say, "No, that's not possible". You don't need to apologise either, you're not responsible for funding their entire trip. I bet they only want to come bc they heard you paid for everything last time around! If they push back, then offer to fly over and see Alice that way. You need to nip this in the bud now or else they'll keep pushing their luck and trying to take advantage of you.

Hello Alice's mum, of course Alice is welcome to visit whenever she likes, and I will be happy to pay for her flights.

If you or her other grandma would like to stay for a couple of weeks, that's fine too.

All these scripts for bringing up the money/cost, just why? It's so crass.
OP doesn't need to discuss finances in order to nix a trip next summer.

If they raise the issue, which I doubt they will, a gentle "Oh, I was hoping to visit YOU next spring. Unfortunately I'm not able to host again." Alice's mother sounds fairly passive; I doubt she is going to push back or demand to be brought to London.

If and only if they push hard, OP could say "I'm afraid my budget won't stretch to another such visit."

@Obki where did I say anyone was demanding anything?

If the family can’t afford the trips and the granny wants to see her then either she pays or she travels there.

For whatever reason, the OPs son isn’t involved so why should the mother go out of her way to keep up contact if they can’t afford it?

One month is a long time to host and entertain people. Are they expecting you to fund all airfares, and trips? Before you get into clarifying what plans they’re making drop in some caveats off and on such as you’re expecting other visitors during the summer months. It will be lovely to see them but you won’t be able to host. Oh, and you have some expensive maintenance on the house too so funds are tighter this year so they’ll need to arrange flights and accommodation…