Granddaughter's family taking advantage? Annual visits funded by me!

[ParsleyorCoriander]

Name changed as this is rather personal. Please help me with my dilemma!

I have an 8 y.o. granddaughter ('Alice') who lives with her mum and extended family abroad. My son/her father has limited contact (complex reasons) but I am paying financial support on his behalf and visit 2-3 times a year (staying in hotels - they would not have room to host me). I get on well with Alice on a 121 basis and spend a lot of time together when I’m visiting.

This year I paid for her and her mum to visit me for a month. I paid for flights, transportation, food and eating out, excursions, everything, and they stayed at my house. In total it cost me over £3000. All this was accepted with good grace by her mum, but barely a thank you. She also made very little effort to interact.

I have always noticed signs of Alice being spoiled. This became blatantly obvious during their stay. Wherever we went she asked for and was invariably bought ‘stuff’. Lots of cuddly toys, books, games, plus trinkets and plastic tat. Food would be ordered and she often barely touched it, without remonstration from her mum. Her mum also lets her get away with being moody and borderline rude, such as ignoring questions, whining/moaning/whinging and not saying please/thank you. Her mother also spent serious money on stuff for herself - but offered to pay for a meal just once.

I love my granddaughter dearly and most of the time she is absolutely lovely but all this has left a somewhat sour note. Her mum keeps talking about “when we come next summer…” and has said that she expects these visits to become a yearly event, with me clearly expected to fund it. What is more, her mum and dad have stated they want to come too! I'm not sure how they are going to fund this trip as they are not very well off.

Yes, I could theoretically afford these visits, but we’d be talking several thousands each year. Ultimately it would mean that I’d be taking money away from my own DC and other potential grandchildren they might have. Also, I'm not sure I would be comfortable on an emotional level to host them every year as we have very little in common.

I feel uncomfortable and that I'm being taken advantage of, and that I need to say something now to manage future expectations. I’m a natural unassertive, conflict avoidant people pleaser and this is causing me a great deal of anxiety. How would you handle this?

What difference does it make? The OP is trying to make the best of a difficult situation.

So much envy, jealousy, spite and nastiness on threads like this.

Well, it hasn't been "solely left to the mother," because her own parents are helping to provide a household, and the OP is providing some financial support. This mother isn't exactly doing it all on her own.

Considering all the posters on Mumsnet who write about how their "MH issues" are causing them to fail their children, or to keep their children exposed to boyfriends amid horrible toxic relationships, etc., it's incredible how many on this thread are slagging off a guy who may also have mental health issues. Since when did that make someone a villian?

it’s a shame that an innocent little girl misses out because of whatever’s going on with her father. Really tough.

Yes, sad and really tough.

But she is one of multi millions of children growing up without a father actively present in their life. - I did it myself with my son.

Doesn't mean those kids don't turn out o.k. Barack Obama anyone?

Hope you find a good balance OP. Just don't let the mother and her parents see you as a walking bank account. Sadly, your granddaughter will pick up on that.
Wishing you all the best.

You obviously didn’t read the OP or understand my post, maybe re-read them….

If you want an eight year old you barely see, to come and visit you, when your son, their father. Regardless of any issues or not, is not seeing them, you cannot expect her to come without mum imo

Another idea is that you could fly over and bring your granddaughter back with you for a stay. Then the mother could fly over, stay for a few days, and fly back with her.

I don't even know the mother and I'm confident enough to say the answer would be an absolute no.

I think you need to remember that unlike a father, a grandmother has no rights to a grandchild and if you don't make it worth their while the child's mother may decide not to bother facilitating the relationship. You're lucky that they tolerate you visiting 3 times a year given that you say you don't like each other. It will be several years before the granddaughter is old enough to visit independently and by then she might not want to. So if it doesn't affect you financially it may be worth paying for them both to visit each year to keep things sweet. I think you can say no to the extended family though.

Personally I would no way go and stay with my mother in law for a month however much I loved the city she lived in so I think you don't realise how lucky you are to be able to see as much of your granddaughter as you do.

Wow, read the posts. Totally agree with the PP on this one.

They are still in their children's lives though, this so called father is nowhere to be seen.

He could be hospitalized or incarcerated for all we know.

Alice's mother is getting a ton of support in rearing the child, including from the OP.

I think you need to remember that unlike a father, a grandmother has no rights to a grandchild

Maybe in your world, but for instance Spain has brought in laws that do allow that.

I do think a lot of Mumsnetters talk a load of bullshit about stuff they know nothing about.

You have been, and are continuing to be, a very generous grandmother. But you are right that you seem to be taken for granted and this must be upsetting for you. You need to think, before your next visit to them, what you want to happen. Would your granddaughter and her mum visiting every second year for two weeks be acceptable? During their visits you could encourage trips out for you and GD, leaving her mum to do her own thing. You would then have more control over GD asking for gifts, not eating chosen food etc. Regarding the other grandparents, that is something that you need to close down immediately. They have your GD the majority of the time, you need time with her on your own. They are being selfish, or just want a free holiday at your expense. Really it is up to you how you want things to progress.

At the end of the day, you have a choice: pay for your gdd and her mother to visit, or not have them.

If you’re not comfortable paying, for whatever reason, that’s fine… as long as you don’t expect the mother to foot the bill. Nor would I expect her to send an 8 yo to another country to visit someone she doesn’t like (or you her). To allow a non parent to have an international trip with a minor child requires a HUGE amount of trust, imo, and you don’t have that kind of relationship with the mom.

And I absolutely would not talk to the other grandmother about it. She’s not the mother. Attempting to go around the actual mother will not have the results you want. It’s completely disrespectful.

Apologies, if it's already been suggested, if money is no issue for you why not suggest a two week holiday somewhere together instead. It might work out cheaper for you. You would each have your own space. You can get to know your GD maybe even develop a relationship with the mum. On more neutral ground this might be easier.

I get the impression that Alice lives in the Philippines or somewhere in that region (and like some PP; that dad is in prison). I would suggest that the next holiday is at resort in a nearby country (Legoland Malaysia?) at OP's expense, instead of the UK. It's neutral ground for everyone, and if the other grandparents want to come along at their own expense they can do so.

But whatever, or wherever, Alice goes next, I'd make it very clear that the other grandparents must fund themselves if they want to come along. It's beyond CF for anyone to expect otherwise. If this was a normal case of two separated parents living in different countries, then no one would expect the father to pay for his ex in-laws to come along on the visits!

Just don't let the mother and her parents see you as a walking bank account. Sadly, your granddaughter will pick up on that.
I think that ship has sailed.

I totally agree! If her parents want to come too then they can get their own hotel/Airbnb. She never invited them. Also it won't be long until Alice can fly on her own to visit. I flew cross country at 8 but definitely needs to be older to fly to another country

"It's not your job to pay son's child support"
From the sounds of things, she would probably never get to see her granddaughter if she didn't .

I agree with those who stated you will not be able to host any longer and that you'll be visiting them instead. (Your home may be under going renovations for years to come!) It is of no consequence that they know you are wealthy or of means: It isn't their money and/or concern. But you must take special care and precautions to NOT set a precedence. There are legal ramifications you're overlooking due to the conditions for your son. (Who's safeguarding your investments and future?) I share your Grandmother's heart and know you'd love to have more time with her. But at what cost? (To your soul, home, and then bank accounts?) You're going to have to practice saying 'no' or 'not again.' And definitely not to the extended family - what incredible nerve! God bless, direct and protect you going forward.

Why aren't you just visiting them? Stop being a martyr and while you're at it, stop saying nasty things about your granddaughter. She's just a kid, staying with someone she doesn't see often, in an unusual place, she's probably picked up on the vibes that you think she's spoiled, it's a very difficult emotional family situation she has to navigate with her parents, she's in a country she doesn't know we'll, and lots of young kids are fractious in those situations.

You offered to the mum, she accepted, so you can't complain. And if she is referencing next year, just say you'll go see them, problem solved

It also seems rich that you're saying she, a little kid, is spoiled, when you're seemingly bailing out your adult son with all of this.

I think you need to make a decision what exactly you are willing to pay for. Are you willing to pay for 2 flights plus a hotel room that that’s it? Or just the flights. How often?

You cannot change how grateful people are or are how they parent their children. It is a holiday for your granddaughter and how she spends money/ eats may be very different on holiday and at home.

Then you will need to communicate your decision clearly to the mother. Obviously you are not going to pay for her parents but it’s up to them to visit.

Is it possible for you to bring your granddaughter back with you when you visit. And return her. Maybe over a summer break?

Argh I thought OP was back

I'm assuming that the relationship Alice's mum has with your son is also complex so do you think she maybe also feels a little awkward around you being his side of Alice's family and having your own separate relationship with him whatever that may look like? She might be feeling as awkward and uncomfortable and unable to connect as you are which might be how the idea of her parents coming to visit has materialised. This would also give her a chance to go do her own thing with her parents while you spend 1-1 time with Alice which also might lessen the intensity. Another option could be that she travels over with Alice, stays for a shorter period and you travel back with Alice at the end of Alice's holiday? I think you just need to have an honest chat with the mum and say you did enjoy seeing them and it would be good to figure out a way that you could see each other more and maybe alternate it so do year about which would give you all time to save for it? I think it's lovely you are putting so much effort into maintaining a relationship with Alice when your son isn't (for whatever the reason). I wouldn't worry so much about the behaviour thing- she's still growing and learning and it is up to her mum to parent how she sees fit. But it is hard to be away from home for a month with just one parent there so that might have been outside of her normal routine and therefore normal behaviour. She will learn as she grows up either way.

@Softplayhooray people can have opinions and kids can be spoiled , you also don't know why OP son is not involved or know him but have stated your opinion where as the OP does know her GD and tbf OP doesn't have to pay for him but she does which benefits her GD so shes not wrong there
Its not always clear cut