Granddaughter's family taking advantage? Annual visits funded by me!

[ParsleyorCoriander]

Name changed as this is rather personal. Please help me with my dilemma!

I have an 8 y.o. granddaughter ('Alice') who lives with her mum and extended family abroad. My son/her father has limited contact (complex reasons) but I am paying financial support on his behalf and visit 2-3 times a year (staying in hotels - they would not have room to host me). I get on well with Alice on a 121 basis and spend a lot of time together when I’m visiting.

This year I paid for her and her mum to visit me for a month. I paid for flights, transportation, food and eating out, excursions, everything, and they stayed at my house. In total it cost me over £3000. All this was accepted with good grace by her mum, but barely a thank you. She also made very little effort to interact.

I have always noticed signs of Alice being spoiled. This became blatantly obvious during their stay. Wherever we went she asked for and was invariably bought ‘stuff’. Lots of cuddly toys, books, games, plus trinkets and plastic tat. Food would be ordered and she often barely touched it, without remonstration from her mum. Her mum also lets her get away with being moody and borderline rude, such as ignoring questions, whining/moaning/whinging and not saying please/thank you. Her mother also spent serious money on stuff for herself - but offered to pay for a meal just once.

I love my granddaughter dearly and most of the time she is absolutely lovely but all this has left a somewhat sour note. Her mum keeps talking about “when we come next summer…” and has said that she expects these visits to become a yearly event, with me clearly expected to fund it. What is more, her mum and dad have stated they want to come too! I'm not sure how they are going to fund this trip as they are not very well off.

Yes, I could theoretically afford these visits, but we’d be talking several thousands each year. Ultimately it would mean that I’d be taking money away from my own DC and other potential grandchildren they might have. Also, I'm not sure I would be comfortable on an emotional level to host them every year as we have very little in common.

I feel uncomfortable and that I'm being taken advantage of, and that I need to say something now to manage future expectations. I’m a natural unassertive, conflict avoidant people pleaser and this is causing me a great deal of anxiety. How would you handle this?

Perhaps you are best off to just visit in the county where they live for now. You could say with cost of living etc that that is the most cost effective way of spending quality time together until GD is older and can travel on her own. If you get questions/push back you can firmly that you are not in a position to hose again. And repeat. You are being a loving grandparent OP. You are doing an awful lot for the family, more than most people. You are, and I am speculating now, probably overcompensating on behalf of your son, which is a kind, loving thing to do. But you do not need to feel shame,guilt, regret for putting boundaries

Not really no. The OP has said, several times, she has pleaded, for people not to mention her son. She has bo obligation to share anything she doesn't want to with strangers on the internet! Would you share something deeply personal and distressing to you to a bunch of people you have never met, just because they are trying to bully you into doing so?

Could you put yourself on the front foot, rather than react to their expectation?

”I was thinking I would love to come over and visit DGD at Easter / whatever date if that is OK, so that I can see her before we arrange for you to come back here in 2024 ish”

Then if she asks about coming to you just say ‘I need to space out the cost of flights and if I come to you it’s only 1. I have a lot of expense coming up”.

Any further pushing say “Ah, much as I love having you both for an extended stay I just can’t run to that site if extravaganza every year. My income has been decimated by everything that is going on. Obviously I am prioritising the ongoing financial support for xxx, no need to worry about that “.