To let DD be herself

[Pinpot]

DD age 6 is very honest and speaking frankly, can be overly direct and tactless.

If she doesn't want to walk with a friend en route to school or if she doesn't want to play with a friend or see a relative she just blurts it out.

I can see she hurts peoples feelings although she's not malicious at all.

She will also chat on about new toys or holidays, even though she knows some of her friends don't have as much (we live in an area with some deprivation and her friendship group is diverse).

I am now and always have been very careful of peoples feelings. She doesn't seem to care.

I try to gently correct her or to provide strategies to end play dates gently or even at times to accept that she just needs to suck it up and put up with someone she's not sure about.

But part of me absolutely rejoices that she's not a people pleaser and just tells the truth.

What to do? Will life just force her to contort herself into 'be kind' or will she just go through life losing friends and alienating people? And does that matter if she's authentically herself? AIBU to just let her be who she is?

Who she will be is a lonely little girl imo.

You're not doing her any favours letting her "be herself" when who she is is someone no one will want to be friends with.

There's a vast difference between being a people-pleasing doormat and someone who is unconcerned about needlessly hurting people's feelings. If being "authentically herself" means she's an arsehole, I fail to see how that's something to celebrate.

Sadly I can see children avoiding her. Being your authentic self is great. Being tactless and rude not so great in a world where feelings can easily be hurt inadvertently. I think offer her alternative strategies to give her the tools to see things in more that just her 'authentic' way, not to stifle her true self but to strengthen the filter we all gave between our thoughts and our gobs. I mean that kindly.

This, in short.

She is rude and unkind. There is a middle point between being a door mat and an arsehole.

If it was another child being as curt and rude to your young child would you be celebrating their rejection of social conventions or would you think they didn’t deserve your child’s company and wouldn’t go far with an attitude like that?

Do you think it’s acceptable for her to be rude to adults or just other children?

I think this is something that will probably work itself out tbh. As she gets older and a bit more self-aware, develops some empathy etc. she'll curtail her behaviour. Let her feel the natural consequences of her behaviour, set a good example and then leave her to figure it out.

No I wouldn’t just let her do it, no-one likes adults who are honest, aka rude. So better to try and stop it in childhood

I personally don't see the issue with someone who says it how it is and I don't think "no, I don't want to" is rude so I think she's fine but clearly I'm in the minority.

She won’t have any friends left to be rude to soon

You’re happy that your child brags about what she’s got to kids whose family can’t afford to buy similar for their child? Any particular reason? She can be pleased with what she’s got while not being a dick about it. It’s your responsibility to teach her how to do that without needlessly upsetting other people.

There's a middle ground of being assertive bit polite. What you're describing is rude and unkind.

I've met adults who seem very proud that they tell it like it is/stand up for themselves/won't be a doormat/are just being honest/get to the point and 99% of the time most of the stories they tell sound like they're simply rude.

Either she'll realise that being rude doesn't go down well and learn how to navigate social situations, or she'll end up being the sort of adult who tells it like it is aka rude.

Is she telling the other child that she doesn't want to walk with them or is she telling you out of earshot of the child? I wouldn't worry about the latter- she should be able to be honest to you.

What you are describing is a lack of social skills and empathy - normal for lots of six year olds. Try and find the balance between her saying “no” because she needs to say no - or no because she’s being rude. “No I don’t want to walk to school with you” to a child’s face is rude.

There was a thread a few days ago from an OP who didn’t understand why it wasn’t cool to tell her MIL that she didn’t like her new decor - because she was just telling the truth.

I can see a direct line from your little girl to this.

Yes, being yourself is great. But so is being friendly and pleasant.

Setting her up to be miserable, selfish and very unpopular. Poor child.

How does she deal with others being blunt with her ?

How popular is she ?

You need to teach her empathy. That's part of being a good parent.

I think teaching her how to be tactful will help her. Absolutely she shouldn't be forced to do things she doesn't want but she'll need to learn how to handle that in social situations (eg not wanting to walk with someone to school vs a dangerous situation). Raising strong, confident women with boundaries is important, but there's a huge difference between doormat and needless rudeness.

We've all known that person who 'says it like it' and they usually accompany it with something like 'it's just the way I am' when actually they're a knob no one can stand... while someone who can set clear boundaries without alienating everyone they meet does much better.

I tell my DD7 to be herself and also that she shouldn't dismiss other people or their interests because they are different. She'll engage in a conversation about something she doesn't particularly like but then expects the other person to return the favour or find common ground, as we would do as adults.

She’s only 6 surely this is fairly normal behaviour?
It’s definitely your job to guide her in how to be considerate of others. no reason ar this stage to that might be incompatible with also growing into a unique and authentic individual.

There is an awful lot of middle ground between being a people pleaser and insensitive and rude.

I think its bullshit saying that its her being authentically herself. I am a very different person to who I am 10 years ago. I've matured a lot and see things from a different perspective. I was being authentically myself then, and I am being authentically myself now. I've just learned along the way

I thinkthis is a really good question. How does she react if people are rude and blunt to her?

I've taught a child just like you've described.

They were very socially isolated and it was very difficult to encourage children to play with her (and I couldn't really blame them for not wanting to).

This. I’ve seen it happen with a friends child. She’s now 10, Y6, zero friends as she’s alienated everyone in her class. Friend thinks it’ll get better in Y7. I think she’s stupid for thinking that pre teens and teens will be put up with her DDs shit any more than than primary age kids will.