To let DD be herself

[Pinpot]

DD age 6 is very honest and speaking frankly, can be overly direct and tactless.

If she doesn't want to walk with a friend en route to school or if she doesn't want to play with a friend or see a relative she just blurts it out.

I can see she hurts peoples feelings although she's not malicious at all.

She will also chat on about new toys or holidays, even though she knows some of her friends don't have as much (we live in an area with some deprivation and her friendship group is diverse).

I am now and always have been very careful of peoples feelings. She doesn't seem to care.

I try to gently correct her or to provide strategies to end play dates gently or even at times to accept that she just needs to suck it up and put up with someone she's not sure about.

But part of me absolutely rejoices that she's not a people pleaser and just tells the truth.

What to do? Will life just force her to contort herself into 'be kind' or will she just go through life losing friends and alienating people? And does that matter if she's authentically herself? AIBU to just let her be who she is?

Friends DD has fucking almighty tantrums if any child gives her even 1% of what she gives out. Friend doesn’t deal with it well, she just reinforces her DDs incorrect belief that she is correct.

Social niceties and white lies are what hold civilization together. I don't see how not learning how to do this is 'being yourself'.

I am not a doormat or a people pleaser but I am able to smoothe ruffled feathers and phrase things tactfully - I even tell white lies to avoid offence. These skills have been very useful in life and I have taught my kids the same.

Being blunt is not really that well received in British society.

I hope you rejoice when other children are their 'authentic selves' and tell your DD that they don't like her because she's rude and bad company? Or will it be all 'my poor little girl' then? You can't have it all ways.

I think teaching kids to tell white lies is a bit much. And anyone who does it can't expect their kids to tell them the truth when it matters, because you're teaching them its OK to lie

Yes ! Thought of this too

This.

Failing to teach your dd manners would be a fail in parenting, IMO.
Failing to teach your dd kindness would be a fail in parenting, IMO.
Failing to teach tolerance would be a fail in parenting, IMO.
Teaching her that she can just say whatever she wants to whoever she wants would also be letting her down badly.
Of course YABU.

I totally disagree.

I think humans are pretty bright and there is a huge difference between lying and saying 'thanks for the birthday present, it is great' when it isn't.

I wouldn't want to be lied to in any capacity, personally. If you don't like my present, tell me and I can exchange it for something you actually want. You get something you like and I haven't wasted my money, win win. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't get other people's thinking on this stuff at all.

The thing is, when you encounter a rude or otherwise poorly behaved child, you automatically think 'poor parenting' (unless ND, obvs.) Your daughter's rudeness is a reflection on you. Teach the girl some manners for goodness sake, she'll end up very lonely otherwise.

She just sounds rude.

OK, well I guess people are different.

Being honest, I find people who are 'refreshingly honest' hard work and tend to avoid because I prefer to just follow social etiquette as it makes things more enjoyable for me.

@AMorningstar every time you eg. thank your MIL for a present you don't want, or smile at the Tesco delivery driver that you're having a good day when you're not you teach your kids how to tell white lies. I stand by my comment.

This.

She needs to learn not to hurt peoples feelings, and it's your job to teach her how not to.

If you give it you have to be able to take it though , can she do that

That's your right - I'm the other way, I find people who do wheel greasing exhausting and desperately wish for genuine conversation. I guess we gravitate towards those who meet our social needs. Neither is right or wrong, just different.

So being ill mannered is being herself. She has not social manners it's up to you to teach her not celebrate.

She doesn't have to do things she doesnt wants to do but you need to teach her to be polite about it.

I have some experience of this. 2 school mum friends have children who will say “stop talking to dancer, it’s boring” or “I don’t want to walk with her” etc. I understand kids can have no filter, but

1. I would explain to my daughter it’s rude, which these parents don’t
2. I wouldn’t eg stop talking to someone because my DD told me to, which these people do. Or they say they’re going to walk a different way as their DC don’t want to walk with us
3. It’s the kind of behaviour I’d expect from very young children. By age 6 your daughter should know it’s not an acceptable way to speak (the children I know are even older though 🙄)

Genuinely how is "No I don't want to" impolite? Granted she could say "thanks but I dont want to" but other than that I'm not seeing rudeness there.

She’s 6 and that’s normal. Just let her be. She will learn to be more tactful when she’s older.

Also kids that age exaggerate and don’t care about the things that we care about. They probably aren’t aware that there is an economic difference between the families

My 8 year old is autistic and comes across as very rude and blunt. I work very very hard to try to stop her saying her innermost thoughts out loud. I try (withiit much success tbh!) To tell her to whisper to me if someone is annoying rather than tell them because even if it is true it hurts their feeling

I am not sure i quite understand why you want her to say things thst might hurt people . However i do also think its fairly normal for a 6 year old

There is a big difference between being assertive but polite and being rude but children need time to kearn that

Are you ND?

I do do genuine conversation. You are wrong to assume I don't.

I have more than one gear.

I think as long as you’re happy for it to be reciprocal it’s fine. So if she ‘blurts out’ things that you can see hurt other people’s feelings you know a consequence of that might be that they don’t want their feelings hurt anymore. So soon she might not have anyone to walk with/might not be invited to cousin’s homes to play etc. Because nobody wants to be around someone who makes them feel bad. Basically, she can be her ‘authentic self’ but if that authentic self is hurtful to others she might have to be authentic and alone.

Yeah I have ADHD. Interestingly so do most of my close friends both throughout childhood and adulthood, I suspect the way we communicate pulls us to each other.