To let DD be herself

[Pinpot]

DD age 6 is very honest and speaking frankly, can be overly direct and tactless.

If she doesn't want to walk with a friend en route to school or if she doesn't want to play with a friend or see a relative she just blurts it out.

I can see she hurts peoples feelings although she's not malicious at all.

She will also chat on about new toys or holidays, even though she knows some of her friends don't have as much (we live in an area with some deprivation and her friendship group is diverse).

I am now and always have been very careful of peoples feelings. She doesn't seem to care.

I try to gently correct her or to provide strategies to end play dates gently or even at times to accept that she just needs to suck it up and put up with someone she's not sure about.

But part of me absolutely rejoices that she's not a people pleaser and just tells the truth.

What to do? Will life just force her to contort herself into 'be kind' or will she just go through life losing friends and alienating people? And does that matter if she's authentically herself? AIBU to just let her be who she is?

But what you're doing there is JADE. Your approach teaches dc that they have to justify saying no. That sets them up for problems later in life. How many threads would be missing from MN if people could just say no and have it respected. We wouldn't need a relationship board. Tone is really important. You don't have to be aggressive that's true. I have said it to my boss and it went fine because of the tone and it was a choice. Why would you offer to do something another time if you don't want to? Just spit it out!

Agree with @StrictlyAFemaleFemale

The pussy footing around No is something that is extraordinarily gendered and it holds women back in the workplace.

Assertiveness is key to being respected at work and in relationships.

Nothing is going to be handed to women on a plate. Women who understand that tend not to find themselves wondering why they were passed over for promotion or why they didn't get a raise.

She’s fucking 6 years old. Wtf is wrong with you all? This is what most 6 years are like.

@CrapBag39
Agree with that too.

She will learn some social niceties and they will become more important to her as she gets older. Training girls from such an early age to believe that they are responsible for other peoples' feelings, and that hurting others' feelings is the worst thing they can do - and they need to forget about being true to themselves because that always comes second to the opinion of others - leads to personal unhappiness and career stagnation for individual girls and women.

The horror of being shunned or considered rude that has been expressed here is fascinating.

There is a happy medium.

But what you're doing there is JADE. Your approach teaches dc that they have to justify saying no. That sets them up for problems later in life. How many threads would be missing from MN if people could just say no and have it respected. We wouldn't need a relationship board. Tone is really important. You don't have to be aggressive that's true. I have said it to my boss and it went fine because of the tone and it was a choice. Why would you offer to do something another time if you don't want to? Just spit it out! Regarding work, it very much depends on your position. Not everyone holds a managerial or senior role. A PA saying "no" with no reason given to a Director just isn't going to fly! I do agree about tone though. Again, with the friend situation, I wasn't referring to not wanting to do anything ever, just that time. If you don't want to be friends, make it clear, I agree.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale
I largely agree with you, but I also think some rude people kid themselves that they're not rude.

It's possible to be assertive and not be rude.

Eg. Someone invites you to a social occasion.
Option 1 - Be rude and say "I don't want to"
Option 2 - Thank them for the invitation and decline

OP's daughter will hopefully learn how to be assertive as she grows up, but that comes with guidance and not celebrating rudeness under the claim of embracing an authentic self.

Saying no to things is fine, but there's a polite way and a rude way to do it. Most people chose to be more polite. Also there can also be consequences to this in certain situations. Saying no, I don't want to to your parents when they ask you to tidy your room/help around the house and they'll be a consequence, frequently say no, I don't want to to meeting up with friends and you may find that they give up on you eventually and stop asking, frequently saying no, I don't want to to doing things your kids/partner like but you don't will possibly damage your relationships, saying no, I don't want to at work when other people are saying yes could mean someone gets promoted over you etc, etc. No one gets to do exactly what suits them and to hell with the rest of the world all the time. That's just life. It's all about context and reading the situation and surely this is just a basic part of parenting to help your kids navigate this. You can be assertive and have boundaries as well as being aware of other peoples feelings and not expect to do exactly what you feel like all of the time.

Firstly, I would question if you'd had the correct conversations with her. Secondly, I would question if she understands social conventions. Is it possible she could be on the ASD spectrum as this is very common and girls mask it really well.

People are right that young ones don't understand /appreciate bluntness. I would ask the school for some sort of intervention/social stories amongst her peers.

I definitely wouldn't be celebrating it just yet as your daughter might also not understand the longevity of the damage she could be causing with her bluntness.

I say this as a very blunt person myself. I have found myself in many an awkward social situation when I have said something blunt and I do struggle to keep friends.

She can learn to be tactful while maintaining boundaries. "I'm not a fan of x food" rather than "yuk it's disgusting". Both result in not eating the food. "please leave me alone" instead of "go away" etc.

People see it as if someone being autistic means they can't improve their social functioning no matter what parents/services/the person themselves does, so there's no point in trying, that's just the way they are.

If anything, it actually means it's even more important she gets guidance about her behaviour- hence there's such a thing as social skills training.

I'm not 100% NT and I'm always learning more about how to relate to others. It doesn't mean I'm incapable of learning.

@AMorningstar I did exactly this with my MIL for a Christmas present which was an item of clothing that was massive. I thanked her so much for the idea but asked politely for the receipt so I could exchange it. Assumed we had a good enough relationship for that to be ok.

I got a letter from her saying how totally offended she was and how rude and ungrateful I was. We ended up with her deciding not to see us for over 10 years and she missed the birth of my daughter and both of my children growing up. Extreme but true!

This was the trigger it seemed which sent her over the edge. She is an angry woman in general.

I was shocked and horrified in equal measures as my rational brain couldn’t fathom it as I hate to waste money people have spent. However it seems that isn’t always the priority. I should have read the situation better and continued walking on eggshells.

Not everyone wants to get married or have children you know. On behalf of a single, child free, 50 year old, kind and caring friend of mine I find your post very rude indeed!

She'll probably end up as a 45 year old childless singleton. When you meet these women it normally doesn't take long to find out why they are in this situation. It does sound like she's destined for a lonely life.

@Charlize43 !!! I'm not particularly lonely thanks and I'm glad I didn't have children. I'd rather find a decent guy than just any guy. And 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce anyway so your singleton might be a divorcee.

What century are you from?

@ OldFan Are you her daughter?!

This wasn't addressed to you and it also didn't warrant such a defensive and rude reply. Apologies if somehow I hit a nerve!

AMorningstar · 01/11/2022 21:15
I personally don't see the issue with someone who says it how it is and I don't think "no, I don't want to" is rude so I think she's fine but clearly I'm in the minority.
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I agree. The child is very young and most kids are tactless. In time she will learn when to keep schtum.