To let DD be herself

[Pinpot]

DD age 6 is very honest and speaking frankly, can be overly direct and tactless.

If she doesn't want to walk with a friend en route to school or if she doesn't want to play with a friend or see a relative she just blurts it out.

I can see she hurts peoples feelings although she's not malicious at all.

She will also chat on about new toys or holidays, even though she knows some of her friends don't have as much (we live in an area with some deprivation and her friendship group is diverse).

I am now and always have been very careful of peoples feelings. She doesn't seem to care.

I try to gently correct her or to provide strategies to end play dates gently or even at times to accept that she just needs to suck it up and put up with someone she's not sure about.

But part of me absolutely rejoices that she's not a people pleaser and just tells the truth.

What to do? Will life just force her to contort herself into 'be kind' or will she just go through life losing friends and alienating people? And does that matter if she's authentically herself? AIBU to just let her be who she is?

I am actually neurodiverse myself. I'm very aware of all the very diverse symptoms that vary between different people.

The thing that stood out for me was that she chats away about her toys and holidays, things that she's very interested in and bring her a lot of joy without really thinking about how it affects other people. I mean, she's 6, of course. But if she's interrupting people to talk about things that only she wants to talk about and doesn't seem to grasp that it could be a bit inappropriate at times, despite being reminded by mum... yeah.

She's 6! Surely, it's pretty normal to just blurt out what's on her mind. I'd be amazed if any child that young can grasp deprivation and socio economic differences between her and her friends!

If she was a bit older, I'd try to interfere as you don't want her to be lonely or rejected. But right now just leave it

don’t know what it’s got to do with her ‘being herself’ to be honest. If dickish behaviour is her main personality trait and what stands out about her as a person then that is incredible sad really.

I will add though that I don’t think it’s outlandish for a 6 year old to say ‘ugh I don’t want to walk with Katie’ or ‘I don’t want to go to Granny’s house.’ Every day I hear ‘So and so doesn’t want to play with me’ at work. It’s normal. But it’s also normal for the parent to say ‘if you want to be Jenna’s friend you can’t say unkind things to her, if you are mean to her she won’t be your friend any more.’

I think a lot of posters are being harsh here. She is 6, and will hopefully (with your help, OP) learn to navigate the complexities of this issue

Learning the ways of the social world is harder for some than others - it is very confusing to be told on one hand that we should 'be true to ourselves', 'be yourself' and 'don't be forced to do anything you don't want to do' and also, on the other hand 'keep that thought to yourself', 'play the game that Sophie wants to play even if you don't want to' and 'say you like that present even if you don't'... especially if you are 6.

I have a (lovely, funny, intelligent) DD who can lean towards being a bit tactless and blunt. She knows what she likes (and what she doesn't) and I agree with the OP that this is something to be celebrated and nurtured. It is a strength. But I also try very hard to teach her to be empathetic and kind to others so that her own feelings don't dominate. I would hate for her to be disliked or ostracised or considered rude so I work hard to help her to understand the nuances of social behaviour. Sometimes she doesn't get it right, and she is definitely slower to learn this aspect of socialising than some of her peers, but hopefully she'll get to the point of being able to be authentic to herself but also empathetic to others - hopefully your DD can do this too, OP.

I am ND too 😊remember that everyone is different and everyone who had a neurodiversity will present differently. But I was simply asking a question in case there was a massive drip feed coming. Congrats on the kind and polite children though.

That's fair, but I bristle a bit at the general trend of the more direct way as being rude or wrong. It's just different. Soke cultures like Germany are more direct than others, i dont think there's an objectively correct way here (unless she was going around saying things like "you are an arsehole" unprovoked obviously)

Your daughter is only six, and to some extent this behaviour is pretty normal. However, as her parent it is your job to teach her social skills.

It is quite possible to not be a 'people pleaser' but to still be aware of other people's feelings and to have good manners.

What is the betting that OP will be back in a few months time wondering why DD is excluded from birthday parties (there seem to be a few of those posts about atm)

She’s lacking empathy. Not a good trait to have so try to teach her some.

Tactlessness is not something to celebrate. Neither is lack of empathy. Yes, she's 6 now and people will excuse a lot in children. But you need to parent her and teach her these things. Anything else would be a disservice to your child.

I'm also ND and I took no offence at your question. I also don't think OPs daughter sounds particularly rude even though everyone else does, so I think it's fair to ask tbh - plenty of us are naturally more direct people.

Was that your only symptom at that age? I doubt it. Stop it. You’re not helping us by projecting your shit onto one tiny piece of information

You need to guide her.

Asking a question isn't projecting. I assume she's asking to find out whether this is the only symptom in which case, probably not an ND thing, or whether there's other things. Information gathering isn't a crime, ffs.

Sadly encouraging her to be her authentic self will only lead to other children being their authentic selves by not wanting to play with her / hang out with her so I guess you’d have to be ok with that.

I mean if you must know, I didn't really have this trait as a kid. My brother on the other hand? Try to stop him talking about his special interests and hobbies when he was six...good luck with that!

I was simply asking a question just in case the OP came back with a big old drip feed. And I mean this as kindly as I can, I'm not the one projecting 😉

It is a problem, especially on MN, because of the prevalence of “could they be ND” that’s thrown out every time a poster mentions even a single negative trait about someone. There are several long running threads about this exact issue.

My son has been talking to literally everyone he meets about coding, black holes and space since he was about 5 years old. If you ask him to stop he says "okay" and then 5 seconds later it's "I just want to ask you something. Did you know that they've sent a rover to Mars to look for..." and there he goes again. 🤣 It's completely accurate that some ND kids do that idk why PP is getting annoyed.

Thank you 🙌🏻 this thread has turned in to a bit of a nasty pile-on on a six year old girl and it seems a bit ironic really!

I bristle a bit at the general trend of the more direct way as being rude or wrong. It's just different. Soke cultures like Germany are more direct than others, i dont think there's an objectively correct way here There is a way that leads to more social acceptance and an easier time. We all make allowances for people who are not good at this stuff but having these skills makes life easier. I can't see that changing really?

At 6, most children aren't terribly aware of economic differences, especially if they aren't the ones who are going without; so I don't think it's unnatural of her, or means something bad about her character to talk about her toys and holidays. But I think you could steer the conversations to other topics, and, when she's on her own with you, gently remind her that not everyone has the same sort of toys and holidays, and other people could get bored or jealous if she talks too much about things that they don't have. You could suggest things that others are more likely to be interested in talking about.

About not wanting to play/ walk with others: while all children are a bit impolite about such things at times, that's the sort of thing that could hurt others, and if your dd does it regularly, she could either find that others don't want to play with her when she does want to play with them, or be recruited into a 'mean girls' clique. I would continue trying to teach her greater tact. She's 6, and is likely to grow out of her socially inappropriate behaviours with age. They shouldn't be regarded as either crimes of the century, or admirable alternatives to 'people-pleasing'.

Given NTs tend to assume normal ND behaviour is "being an asshole" I think ita a fair question a lot of times. I'd rather someone mistakenly assume assume asshole was ND, than mistakenly assume an innocent ND person was being a dick

This!

"Be kind" is "be doormat"

"Be thoughtful" is "consider other people's feelings"

I also spotted that. The irony of grown adults who are apparently socially skilled, insulting a six year old child and stating she lacks empathy. Hmmmm