To let DD be herself

[Pinpot]

DD age 6 is very honest and speaking frankly, can be overly direct and tactless.

If she doesn't want to walk with a friend en route to school or if she doesn't want to play with a friend or see a relative she just blurts it out.

I can see she hurts peoples feelings although she's not malicious at all.

She will also chat on about new toys or holidays, even though she knows some of her friends don't have as much (we live in an area with some deprivation and her friendship group is diverse).

I am now and always have been very careful of peoples feelings. She doesn't seem to care.

I try to gently correct her or to provide strategies to end play dates gently or even at times to accept that she just needs to suck it up and put up with someone she's not sure about.

But part of me absolutely rejoices that she's not a people pleaser and just tells the truth.

What to do? Will life just force her to contort herself into 'be kind' or will she just go through life losing friends and alienating people? And does that matter if she's authentically herself? AIBU to just let her be who she is?

Massively focussed on self identity, getting her needs met, being her authentic self, individualism as coached by a parent blah blah... In my experience in my daughters circle these kind of girls hold sway till about age 11-12 then people usually tell them to hitch a ride and they become unpleasant and insecure which I assume follows them through life. You are doing her no favours by teaching her to be as she is.

Teach your child!! If she doesn't want to play/walk with someone say no thanks I'd rather walk/play alone their Is absolutely no reason for her to be rude.

"I try to gently correct her or to provide strategies to end play dates gently or even at times to accept that she just needs to suck it up and put up with someone she's not sure about."
I suspect you are being far too gentle! Take a leaf out of your daughter's book and be blunt - 'DD, you're being rude again. Stop it.'

She's six, and from your OP it sounds as if you expect her to divine social expectations from the aether. Now, some children do, the observant ones who are interested in how things work; but I would say most have to be explicitly taught them. Most parents don't realise they are teaching this to their children, but nonetheless they are. You (and your husband, obviously) are not teaching her the social skills necessary to daily life, and frankly, as her parent, it is your JOB to teach her those skills. So get on with it.

@Aquamarine1029 is right. Your dd needs to learn that there are ways of saying things, and being honest, without being horrible/hurting people’s feelings.

There is plenty of middle ground between being a doormat/people pleaser and being mean and unkind, and if you don’t want your dd to have no friends, she needs to learn to modify her behaviour. Of course she can still be assertive and stand up for herself, but it is perfectly possible to do that without hurting other people.

All too often, on here and on other social media, I see stories of people who have adults in their life who claim to be assertive or blunt, and to ‘say it as it is’, when what they actually are is insensitive, cruel and have no care for anyone’s feelings. They don’t have friends - just people who are scared of them, and they alienate everyone. You don’t want your dd to end up like this, and now is the perfect time for her to learn to be a bit kinder, gentler and more tactful - and I don’t think it will mean she isn’t ‘herself’ any more.

As if people are calling a six year old girl an arsehole and preaching about kindness. Oh sweet irony!

Being yourself and having good manners are not incompatible.

Maybe your people pleasing history is understandably preventing you from seeing that.

Both are important. It's about finding a balance. After all, if being herself means lacking empathy she would become a one dimensional person. We develop through connection and that does require thinking about who the other person is, too.

I don't know that she'll necessarily end up lonely but she could end up quite mean if you encourage her to stick at this stage of her development.

She will properly learn through trial and error that having no filter has consequences. No man is an island.

I agree.
Have a sibling who, among other things, didn't believe in saying no to their child. Also allowed them to speak as they pleased without filter to adults and children.

Poor kid struggled massively when it came to interacting with others, as a result. Saw them at an occasion where the whole class was present, and not one of the other children gave them as much as a glance, still less a hello. It was heartbreaking but the parents had set the child up tbh.

@wackamole - I had not seen the full “Be Kind” quote, until you posted it - thank you.

I think your job as a parent is to help her pick up on social clues and help her read the room. If she’s blunt then gentle guidance may well pass her by. There’s a mid way between rude and doormat. How would you feel if x said that to you. Does she do any groups eg rainbows (girl guides) that would help her.

or will she just go through life losing friends and alienating people?

this is what will happen.

DD age 6 is very honest and speaking frankly, can be overly direct and tactless.

you mean she is rude.

I did/do the same and am either loved or loathed by people. Some love my honesty and others can't cope with it. I prefer people to know where they are with me anyway. Also prefer others to be the same with me. Life's too short for all the tiptoeing and shilly shallying around others.

You are supposed to educate your chi. She is only six and you think her authentic self is a six year old without empathy or the ability to put herself in other people's shoes?

Could she be on the spectrum? Is she completely unable to read the room? Might be worth discussing with her teacher if she is otherwise (academically) bright but socially clunky. She will end up ostracized by the other kids if this continues without guidance.

Do some role play with her you pretend to be her and she pretends she's a friend. Might help her understand that sometimes what she says can hurt they're feelings.

I have come to the realisation late in life (teacher) that my bluntness is connected to ADHD, I have learnt to adapt. Just something that you may wish to be aware of.

My kid was a bit like this but as she has recovered from not being around other children for 2 years, her teachers have noted she is a “kind and friendly classmate” in her end of year reports.

When she says something rude or overly blunt I just say “you can express any idea you want to my love. I love you, I love when you talk to me ….. but you will talk to me with respect.” Smile. Mean it. Utterly non-negotiable.

Someone that says it how it is, is usually rude.
I'll say it how it is, and don't care if u hate me.
That's a statement made by someone with no friends, and universally disliked.
Standing up for yourself and being true to yourself, doesn't mean hurting others feelings.
I'm a mother of 5. I've tried to teach them to be true to themselves. But not to hurt someone.

A lot of people on here are criticising the child, when what should be criticised is the parenting. Are you a follower of gentle parenting OP? You’re enabling your child’s poor behaviour. You need to teach her empathy and manners.

It’s all very well to be your “authentic self” if you live on a desert island and never mix with anyone, but we live in a society and need to consider the feelings of others as well as ourselves.

My youngest is similar. Though was tought to not be rude to people, so i used to have her cry of a night when little because she really wanted to tell me how fat i was. She has very little tollerance for people now still. My other daughter at 17 is still super sweet and kind and my youngest is just her.

We also are sure she has asperger's. Dr only didn't take it further as she had eye contact but we've since learnt that means nothing. She's 14 and down to a few friends as anyone who's spoken badly about anyone she likes she literally cuts them off no questions asked - teachers included lol.

WTF has gentle parenting got to do with anything - gentle parenting is about tackling issues, not ignoring them!

Does she realise when she hurts other people's feelings? I would encourage other people to tell her how she has made them feel. If she cares, she will change her approach. If she doesn't care, then she'll carry on. She will lose friends over the years, and maybe that won't bother her, but it's important for her to understand why it happens.

There’s a different between being blunt and rude and being blunt and polite. It’s a difficult thing to learn but it can be done. Housemate is neurodivergent (such as I) They are blunt but they are not rude.

me on the other hand have obsessively learnt how to perform social niceties How to always ask about people, be interested in people and most importantly compromise. With my ASD it’s easy to become absorbed in myself. I’ve had pointers (thanks mum), to say please and thank you, to learn how social people behave. I’ve learnt that considering others feeling are important yes I tell white lies to have an easy life. To not hurt other peoples feelings. It’s a NT world and you have to learn how to live in it Even through gritted teeth Do not believe all ND people are blunt. Please stop saying this as it’s not true.

I would be worried with her lack of empathy , it may mean something is amiss .

There is a boy who sounds similar to your daughter in my DC's class. He is a talkative and smart boy but he lacks empathy. My DC describes him as tactless and says he says what he thinks without thinking how other people may feel.

His family are well off and he has expensive toys and travels a lot. He doesn't hesitate to ask other kids why they haven't been to the countries he has visited or why their parents don't drive expensive cars or brag about his latest top of the range electronic gadgets.

His mother is concerned about his lack of social skills and empathy. She has tried to correct him but her attempts are pretty feeble.

I asked DC who his friends were and he doesn't have any. That said, he doesn't walk around on his own. He plays with a bigger group but when its time to pair up, he is left on his own. Imo he is probably on the spectrum but hasn't been diagnosed. Or perhaps his parents thought it was wonderful that he is 'being himself'.

Your job is to help her learn social skills etc. She doesn't have to be a people pleaser but learn more skills as we all do throughout life.

I'm not 100% NT and that meant I needed more guidance which I didn't get. I needed how to interact with others verbally spelled out or I didn't pick it up easily. This could've transformed my life and future outcomes. As it is I've never really been able to work and have few friends.

I know a leftie couple who let their kids act any which way and think it's hilarious. Recipe for a car crash of numerous kinds and not fulfilling their potential.