To let DD be herself

[Pinpot]

DD age 6 is very honest and speaking frankly, can be overly direct and tactless.

If she doesn't want to walk with a friend en route to school or if she doesn't want to play with a friend or see a relative she just blurts it out.

I can see she hurts peoples feelings although she's not malicious at all.

She will also chat on about new toys or holidays, even though she knows some of her friends don't have as much (we live in an area with some deprivation and her friendship group is diverse).

I am now and always have been very careful of peoples feelings. She doesn't seem to care.

I try to gently correct her or to provide strategies to end play dates gently or even at times to accept that she just needs to suck it up and put up with someone she's not sure about.

But part of me absolutely rejoices that she's not a people pleaser and just tells the truth.

What to do? Will life just force her to contort herself into 'be kind' or will she just go through life losing friends and alienating people? And does that matter if she's authentically herself? AIBU to just let her be who she is?

But part of me absolutely rejoices that she's not a people pleaser and just tells the truth.

OR-you've simply forgotten to teach your rude child some manners?

There is quite a large middle ground between forcing her to be kind at the expense of her own boundaries and letting her behave like an ill mannered, rude little madam.

It's very common for people with ADHD and ASD to struggle with the social contract, yeah, and like gravitates to like. But generally speaking, most people appreciate social niceties and find the lack of them rude. OP's daughter will struggle to get on with people if she can't modulate her "honesty".

YABU. Your daughter is rude and mean and it’s your job as a parent to teach her how to be a nice, kind person.

By allowing her to behave like this you are failing her and setting her up for a lifetime of loneliness and misery.

You can be yourself, while still thinking about others feelings. You need to teach her how to do that while being tactful otherwise she will go through life alienating people - let's face it, no one want to be friends with someone who doesn't give a shit if they upset you because 'they are being their authentic self'

She's still very young - a lot of young kids struggle with social skills but that is why we are here to teach them. Are you fine with her having no friends or even potentially being seen as a bully when she's older?

It's not as black and white as fake conversation or being genuine.

This thread reminds me of the hundreds of times I must have explained to pupils that if they don't like each other, that's ok, but be civil. Most accept that they don't have to be friends so step back, don't look for drama, and be polite when you need to interact.
There's a minority who will argue back with this because "I'm not being fake and pretending to like her". It almost always comes across like they take pride in being the centre of conflict and unsurprisingly it's those children who seem to have regular situations with their peers requiring staff involvement.

We've all known that person who 'says it like it' and they usually accompany it with something like 'it's just the way I am' when actually they're a knob no one can stand...

And usually they are least likely to be able to take it if someone 'tells it like it is' back!

If you don’t tell her when she’s saying things which are curt / rude / inappropriate then you can be sure that other children will let her know. You need to teach her appropriate ways to interact with people and tell her when things aren’t ok. Having no filter isn’t the same as her just being her real self: the latter is about her not feeling she needs to pretend to be something that she isn’t, whereas the former is about her currently lacking some communication skills which can be improved. Her authentic self should be one which is sensitive to others and you’ll need to help her cultivate that or she’ll end up not being very liked by other children which would be awful.

My SIL is like this, and honestly I don’t much like her.

My DD is 5 and I’m pretty sure what you described is normal. Some of the comments on here talking about how your child sounds rude, or won’t have any friends is ridiculous.
Children at this age just don’t understand/don’t have a filter! All they know about is their own feelings and they work to protect them. Think when a 2 year old has a tantrum. They may want something and don’t under why you’ve said no.
It’s the same at this age. You DD might not want a certain someone to play with her and her emotions are overpowering her words. Children can be selfish as it’s hardwired for them.
Just remind her about how it makes her feel when someone may be unkind to her. She’ll learn eventually x

Okay, nobody else has asked so I will...

OP - is there any history of autism or ADHD in the family at all? Could your daughter be on a spectrum at all?

She sounds bloody rude as is and I can't imagine what you have to be proud of? That she comes across awful and uncaring? Is that what you are proud of?

No she won't learn. Her mother is encouraging this horrible trait so she won't know any better. And it most certainly isn't normal! I have a 6yo who knows better than to behave like this. I've watched him and his friends many, many times interact and this is definitely not normal.

That’s because not everyone who’s ND is rude AF, it’s not the only symptom, and it pisses us ND people off when people’s first response to someone being an arse is “Could they be ND”

She’s only 6 (quite a young 6 by the sound of it) Probably hasn’t reached the maturity level needed to consider other people’s feelings yet. I do hope you won’t be too disappointed in her when she (hopefully) does.

FFS!

Two of my dc are autistic and both are kind and polite. Stop stereotyping ND people FFS.

Quite surprised we managed to get to page 3 though!

Teach her tact and empathy. It won't come straight away; it's not that she doesn't care, but that she's not yet learned. It's a long learning process, and some of it is subtle, but it's important.
At the same time, by all means encourage her to have her own opinions, but to think about what is appropriate to say and not say.

It's your job to teach her how to interact appropriately. She will have no friends if you allow her to continue without intervention.

She’s 6 and that’s normal. Just let her be. She will learn to be more tactful when she’s older.

Will she? How? Nobody is going to teach her if her own mother can't be arsed,

We've all met twatty adults who just love sharing their opinions as if other people think they are of any value. There is a thread right now about a woman whose work colleague tells her what he thinks of her clothes.

Yes this, definitely.

She's got a lot to learn OP as she's only 6 so no, I wouldn't be 'rejoicing' in her lact of tact and her apparent unkindness towards others.