To let DD be herself

[Pinpot]

DD age 6 is very honest and speaking frankly, can be overly direct and tactless.

If she doesn't want to walk with a friend en route to school or if she doesn't want to play with a friend or see a relative she just blurts it out.

I can see she hurts peoples feelings although she's not malicious at all.

She will also chat on about new toys or holidays, even though she knows some of her friends don't have as much (we live in an area with some deprivation and her friendship group is diverse).

I am now and always have been very careful of peoples feelings. She doesn't seem to care.

I try to gently correct her or to provide strategies to end play dates gently or even at times to accept that she just needs to suck it up and put up with someone she's not sure about.

But part of me absolutely rejoices that she's not a people pleaser and just tells the truth.

What to do? Will life just force her to contort herself into 'be kind' or will she just go through life losing friends and alienating people? And does that matter if she's authentically herself? AIBU to just let her be who she is?

I have two - one is just 7, the other is 11. The older one knows to say to a friend 'I like your hair' if the friend says she has just been to the hairdresser even if the style does not really suit. The younger one probably wouldn't acknowledge it at all. I think 6 is too young to worry much but you need to guide her so she knows how to interact positively in the future. She will learn.

this

Easier in what way? It's not necessarily easier for the person being taught to suppress themselves. I've always been someone who'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not, so don't assume everyone will grow up wanting to mask to fit in.

Well it will be easier to build relationships if you don’t openly say hurtful things to your relatives and friends. Very few people will love you for who you are if who you are is a person who thinks it’s socially appropriate to say hurtful things to people.

Masking is one thing, saying whatever you want with no regard for how it makes others feel is another.

☝This is exactly what I was going to say! @

Being assertive doesn't mean it's OK to be unkind - it's your job to help her find a happy balance and be mindful of others feelings. (Sorry, posted too soon)

It's not a pile-on on a 6 year old - it's cricticism of a mother who isn't teaching her DD that other people have feelings.

My DD has bought the feelings book from Waterstones to teach her little one about feelings, maybe there is a book that will help you to discuss kindness with your DD.

I think she could end up very lonely if she upsets lots of children.

My DD is 9 and can be like this, I have to remind her to be mindful of other people’s feelings. She’s getting there, but it’s like consideration doesn’t come naturally to her.

Contrary to what people are saying here, your DD won’t have no friends. My DD has loads of friends and I find that kids much prefer aloof friends than overbearing needy ones.

Oh hello

This is such a strange post. Why would you think this thread is here to help you? The thread is about the OPs dd or are you the OP and by us you mean you and your dd?

Personally op I would gently guide my kid into being a bit more diplomatic. There's a middle ground between being a doormat and being so blunt you hurt feelings.

She sounds possibly autistic. My friends son just says things without a filter as part of his condition. He's a lovely boy but it can cine across as rude if you don't know him. Does she show any other traits?

You need to teach your DD empathy and tact. There is a difference between being assertive and just plain rude and she will end up with no friends and isolated, and then you’ll be back here saying she’s being bullied because no one is including her.

BTW @Pinpot you're not alone - I remember having to teach mine at different stages about being mindful of others feelings. As a pp said, there's some good books out there aimed at children (and for parents) to help them understand about others thoughts and feelings etc

Exactly this. Model turn taking and tact. You’re doing her no favours.

My daughter was like this. I have spent years trying to guide her into being a kind and considerate person, sometimes I had to be tough. I always explained the other persons position and point of view.

Empathy goes a long way, OP. It's one thing to be assertive and have boundaries but quite another thing to be callous.

@Strawblue I hadn't seen your post when I wrote mine. 😊

People seem to pile on about insensitivity about haves / have nots, but I think most 6yos are oblivious. My two 5yos get excited about the most pointless nonsense- they have recently regaled their friends about a special eraser, a random coin token of no monetary value, and a dead moth that ‘lives’ in her bedroom. They have also been insanely jealous of friends who went camping for holiday rather than our holiday abroad. It is important to have sensitivity as she ages and social status becomes more linked to the adult commercial world, but it isn’t surprising she is oblivious.

I always respect my child’s desires for playmates, etc in part because one of mine is maybe sen and doesn’t always want to participate, butI do have lots of conversations about kindness, the importance of taking care of others, etc. when they say something rudely I will acknowledge their stated desire (I don’t want to play with that kid) to something more polite (I know you want to do something else, but it would be kinder to say’ not right now, maybe later’). One of mine is extremely blunt, and really doesn’t give a toss about what anyone else thinks, but she also isn’t seeking to hurt anyone. She just needs a bit of guidance in how to express herself without hurting others.

Bottom line is, it’s your job to help your child be accepted and liked in society.

If you can see your child is rude and bragging then others see this 10 times more.

You are doing her no favours. We all have innate flaws, if we never worked on them then we’d all be arseholes. It is your job to minimise the flaws not nurture them.

Agree with this.
It may be no bad thing in certain situations to be blunt, though. As she gets older she will probably be more sensitive with it.

It's normal for a young child to be focused on her own needs and wants and only partially aware of how others might be impacted. Also normal that they may not distinguish between a feeling of the moment (I don't want to play with Sophie right now because I'm reading my book) and an ongoing opinion/preference (I hate playing with Sophie because she only ever wants to play dolls and it's boring).

If the whole family is going to grandma's for the day and the 6yo pipes up that she doesn't want to go, very likely you end up taking her anyway and it would be rude of her to tell grandma "I didn't want to come but mum made me". (At six she might get away with it, at 10 or 15 or 20 it'll almost certainly be considered rude). But if she hates going to grandma's because she gets carsick or she's afraid of the dog or the neighbour's children bully her, you need to know that - just accepting "I don't want to" does your daughter a disservice.

At this age, something like "manners" will be learned mainly by rote; she can probably understand not doing something to someone else that she'd be hurt to have done to her, but she's not going to understand the full context of a situation. All you can do is help her be in touch with her own feelings but also to put them in perspective. You can teach her what's "expected" (basic manners) without teaching her to hide or ignore her feelings, opinions, and preferences from herself or you/her parents. She doesn't have to say "oh, Grandma, I've been looking forward to this trip all week!" but what's the point of saying "mum forced me to come"? If she genuinely does want to express her true feelings and opinions all the time in social interactions, they'll still be there when she's old enough to understand the impact and choose bluntness anyway.

As for the "be kind" stuff, I think the best thing you can do is remember that the original quote was "be kind, [when] it costs you nothing". If it DOES cost something, if it comes at the expense of being safe or happy or well or honest or solvent or whatever else is also important, then it requires further situation-specific thought. A 6yo is just at the beginning of figuring all of that out and definitely needs guidance!

Posters are being very harsh. The child is only 6 for goodness sake. I do wonder if the responses would be the same if you were asking about a boy. Just teach tact but don't discourage boundaries, once she is more mature then it'll fall into place. Also, make sure she is not using walls to mask insecurity.

My asd dd 10 is a bit like this - her social skills are lacking and she needs to be taught explicitly when/why she can't be so direct. She doesn't pick up social rules and cues like a NT child. Your dd is only 6 so has time to learn this. Believe me it's less cute as they get older amd became problematic around 8-9 when girls communicate in a more mature way. There is a difference between direct and rude.

The way I see it , you have a choice . You can teach your child politeness , manners and compassion for other’s feelings .

or life is going to.

and life teaches hard. Life is the big sister of the weeping girl you offended coming to give you a hiding in the park.
life will not pick you for the team.
life will leave you without a partner for the trip.
life will lose you the chance to compete for your dream job.

I’d have a word to be honest , she’ll thank you for it later .