To be surprised that so many people have separate finances?

[PlumPudd]

DP and I pretty much share out the paying of our costs, with perhaps a bit of accounting for the fact that we’re on different incomes. The main costs, mortgage, bills, shopping, childcare etc. we broadly split by income, so we have direct debits set up and DP pays a bit more than me. For more discretionary things like clothes, meals out, toiletries, memberships etc. we sometimes pay for our own and sometimes get for both, for example the Amazon account is in DP’s name and we both just get things from there when needed. If I’m doing a clothes shop from H&M DP will add a few bits and I’ll just pay to save on the cost of two deliveries.

Savings are also seen as broadly common e.g. we’re about to move and I’m putting in a bit more than DP just because I’ve ended up with more in the bank, and DP covered some other big costs from their account earlier in the year.

We don’t really keep count, or get pissed off if one pays for more than the other on a particular month as we see the money as our shared money, that’s financing our shared life, regardless of whose income it originally came out of. DP also doesn’t expect me to spend less on discretionary things because my income is a bit lower. It probably helps that neither of us has exorbitant hobbies and that we have a broadly similar view of what’s reasonable to spend on what.

I thought until recently that this is how most couples were, (assuming they are in a committed and happy relationship - different if things are rocky of course) but a few friends have been quite shocked and said that no, they keep their finances very separate. And pay 50 50 or some other carefully calculated split for shared cost like rent / mortgage and then pay for everything else out of their own salary and have their own savings.

So what do you do and why?

I personally think it’s a generational thing, the only people I know with ‘family’ money are older couples. Which is also why it’s a bit of a ‘thing’ on MN (as most posters on AIBU for example are 55-75)

I don’t know one couple under 35 that does this, finances are kept separate and joint expenses are split (either 50:50 or dependent on salary %)

I think the attitude of joint money comes from times where one parent didn’t work, or worked PT.

We have combined finances - most is in shared accounts and we operate on the basis that every penny is both of ours, regardless of whose account it’s sitting in. We’re a team; I supported him for years while he was studying and now he supports me working part time with young kids. However perhaps I’m lucky or naive, that I’ve never had a failed relationship to get burned by this (yet! we’ve been together since I was 20, now going on 14 years together).

To me what you're describing is exactly split finances- you don't pool any of your money as far as I can tell- it's entirely separate but you each contribute broadly equally. Surely shared finances are where you share one account with everything going into that account.

We're pretty separate! I had quite a lot of debt when we got together so didn't want to combine as that wasn't his problem, and he made quite a bit more than me until last year, pretty much.

We're almost evened out now and have just started talking about getting a joint account and putting money into that. We're stalling a wee bit as we have kind of different ideas about it. I like to almost have a separate account so when I get paid, I put my bill money into that and know my bills are covered, and know what I have to myself. Whereas he's a bit more spread throughout the month for direct debits and things, which would drive me mad. But he just manages his money differently to me.

I think it's because I have been properly skint in the past - it's that thing of always knowing exactly - pretty much down to the penny - what I have in any account in any one time, as I always had to know. Whereas if you've never been in that really skint state, you can have a bit more of a relaxed view.

I’d feel really weird about both our incomes going in to one pot then both spending from that. Birthday presents then don’t become presents do they if they’re paid out the joint account?

we have a joint bills account we each pay a few £k in to towards mortgage, bills etc then keep the rest in our own bank accounts

But your finances ARE split, in that you have to proactively move money around in order to contribute an amount that you deem fair. DH and I are 30 and have just two accounts between us, a current account and a savings account. We both have access to both.

Nice bit of casual ageism there, @MandalayFray

We're in our 60s, married 30+ years and we've always had separate finances.

We have a joint account that we both pay into, the same amount each, for all household expenses. The rest is our own money.

We do this because we have very different attitudes to money. DH hates the idea of being overdrawn whereas I'm much more relaxed. If we had tried to pool everything, we would have been long-since divorced!

Married 15 years. When I was working we used my income for all bills, saved all his in joint account. Now I’m not working and we budget for the week together. (5 mins, much is same same). Savings in joint account, spends for each of us in our own accounts. Not equal spends either, I have more going out because he works away for 3-6 weeks at a time, so I have the kids all the time.
We have the same priorities. All money has been shared since before we got married.
We VERY rarely fight about money & when we do it’s resolved quickly. I’ve been a SAHM for 12 years never had an issue.
Why we do it like this.....hmmmm I guess ease.

Combined.

We both earn our own money and don't question the other on their spending

We earn different amounts so contribute different amounts to the joint expenses

Hardly ageism

Making an observation

or is it ageism to say older people are more likely to have grey hair

Or are more likely to vote Tory compared to younger voters

One parent being at home is also something that was more common in the past than it is now.

We have a joint account to cover mortgage, bills and food. The rest we keep to ourselves and we have certain things we pay for. I.e I paid childcare, clubs, kids clothes etc, he pays for holidays, renovations etc. works out fine for us if one of us had no money for whatever the other one would pay it. I supported DH when he set up his business and vice Versa.

I think it's whatever works best for you. There is no right or wrong. I just find easier to mange this way, it's not about someone having more than the other - we earn similar amounts.

But I'm late 30s and only know if one couple our age who completely pools their income so may be generational

Well yes we don’t have shared accounts, but equally we don’t keep track of who is paying for what, for anything other than the biggest expenses e.g. mortgage and childcare.

I for example pay for all the food shopping just because the delivery account is linked to my bank, DP pays most of the bills for the same reason. DP pays the Amazon bill, I pay for most of all our clothes - perhaps it broadly balances out but my point is we don’t really keep track.

Whereas some other couples seem to have a much more carefully negotiated and accounted for split and will do things like pay each other back if one pays for something that is usually shared or paid for by the other, like the cost of a meal out, or buying a new book whilst out or something

yours doesn't sound shared at all?! if anything, it sounds like a great example of split separate finances?!

My husband works full time, I'm studying and home with the children. His salary goes into our joint account. Some gets moved into savings, some into banking pots for bills, holidays/events etc, cars/unexpected stuff and then we have another joint for food, days out, childrens stuff and finally, the rest goes into our monzos so we have the same spending money. To me that's shared

I personally think it’s a generational thing, the only people I know with ‘family’ money are older couples. Which is also why it’s a bit of a ‘thing’ on MN (as most posters on AIBU for example are 55-75)

DH and I are in this age group and have mostly separate finances. We’ve never had a joint bank account.

I thought until recently that this is how most couples were, (assuming they are in a committed and happy relationship - different if things are rocky of course)

There is nothing about shared finances that makes you a better, more committed or happier couple.

Some people share finances because it works for them, some don’t because that works for them. That’s it really.

Maybe we are the exception that proves the rule but we are mid-thirties and everything is joint. All of our bills come from a joint account and our savings are joint too.

We’ve been married nearly ten years and over that time have worked various working patterns and earned different amounts and it’s always been the same.

It was a bit of a surprise to me as well!
Husband & I have always put the money in one pot. At the start of our relationship we earned similar. Some 20 years later I’ve had two maternity leaves (1 yr & 18months) after my second I changed my role to be more available at home as I did travel a lot. It did mean a pay cut, then a period of part time work & now I do 30 hours a week.

During this time husband pay has increased more than double of mine - he still helps picking up children & helps around the house. All the money goes into joint bank account.
We both pay the same % of our salary into our pensions, though my amount a lot less so have a separate isa in my name where we try to even the amount.

Savings are in both names as well.

Works for us, but I guess it may not work in all circumstances.

I find it weird as well. We have joint everything. Why be married if youre not a team 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes. Ageism is attributing a specific behaviour to a general sector of the population.

We have one account, DH has a credit card for security for large purchases so I use it when needed. Otherwise debit card from same account. Savings account shared. Same values, always both slightly towards frugal /not wasting money/ not loving consumerism side and never argue about money.

Yes I wasn’t implying that shared finances make you happy or better as a couple. Just that I could understand why a couple that wasn’t that happy or committed would chose to keep finances and spending much more separate and calculate the cost of shared expenses a lot more carefully - so that if they split they’d be able to do so with each having their own money and without feeling like one had been over contributing up until the split.

Yep the thought of buying gifts from shared money kills it for me.

We have a joint account where salary goes in and all bills and general spend goes out. Joint savings accounts for holidays and car costs, and separate personal accounts for our monthly discretionary spends (same amount each).

Just withdraw the cash and pay that way? Then they can't see it on the app or statement.

That’s not what ageism means

here you go, from age uk -

what does ageism mean - Ageism, also called age discrimination, is when someone treats you unfairly because of your age

No one has been treated unfairly or discriminated against by stating a fact. Just like it’s not sexism to state more women than men go PT after having kids