To be surprised that so many people have separate finances?

[PlumPudd]

DP and I pretty much share out the paying of our costs, with perhaps a bit of accounting for the fact that we’re on different incomes. The main costs, mortgage, bills, shopping, childcare etc. we broadly split by income, so we have direct debits set up and DP pays a bit more than me. For more discretionary things like clothes, meals out, toiletries, memberships etc. we sometimes pay for our own and sometimes get for both, for example the Amazon account is in DP’s name and we both just get things from there when needed. If I’m doing a clothes shop from H&M DP will add a few bits and I’ll just pay to save on the cost of two deliveries.

Savings are also seen as broadly common e.g. we’re about to move and I’m putting in a bit more than DP just because I’ve ended up with more in the bank, and DP covered some other big costs from their account earlier in the year.

We don’t really keep count, or get pissed off if one pays for more than the other on a particular month as we see the money as our shared money, that’s financing our shared life, regardless of whose income it originally came out of. DP also doesn’t expect me to spend less on discretionary things because my income is a bit lower. It probably helps that neither of us has exorbitant hobbies and that we have a broadly similar view of what’s reasonable to spend on what.

I thought until recently that this is how most couples were, (assuming they are in a committed and happy relationship - different if things are rocky of course) but a few friends have been quite shocked and said that no, they keep their finances very separate. And pay 50 50 or some other carefully calculated split for shared cost like rent / mortgage and then pay for everything else out of their own salary and have their own savings.

So what do you do and why?

We did it your way - split shared finances, not everything in one pot. For us it was because my late husband was paid in $ and I was paid in £, so we would have been hit by exchange rates moving stuff around more than necessary. We never argued about money. Even when things got really, really bad and we split up and he later died, we both played fair financially.

Dh and I have separate finances. His name is on one of my current accounts, but that's just so he can access the account benefits (travel insurance, RAC etc).

We've never shared money. We both earn roughly the same (me a bit more). We've no mortgage or childcare so no big bills. We split everything 50:50. It's worked for 18 years so can't see why we would share finances. We're late 30's.

I don't think shared finances are as common anymore. Certainly in my friend group we all have separate.

We have separate main accounts certainly - largely just because there doesn’t seem to be much financial advantage in moving to a joint one and it’s good to have things like bills in your own name for when you need proof of address etc. In terms of spending though we’re pretty lax about what comes out of whose account, and don’t really keep a check on who is paying for what.

We’re mid 30’s.

As a couple of others have said, we’d probably check in with the other if one of us wanted to make a big non shared purchase that cost more than £500 or so. Just out of courtesy. I don’t think either of us has ever vetoed a purchase or spending decision though. Helps to have a broadly shared understanding of what is worth spending money on, and what you want to prioritise as a family I think, and to trust each other.

We're in our late 30s/early 40s and DH and I have had a joint account since we got married 13 years ago.

I only agreed to it because we were on similar incomes and have the same attitude to spending money. I deal with all the banking stuff, pay the bills etc and I'm happy with that (as is DH because he doesn't have to think about it).

If there was a lot of disparity in our attitudes to spending/saving then I would have retained separate finances.

We're a financial partnership so everything is transparent, but it works for us. Might not work for others.

Ours aren’t strictly shared but they aren’t strictly separate either, they’re sort of a hybrid but it works for us.

We have separate accounts that we are paid into but see it as one pot of money, so don’t split costs based on a % or 50/50. Utilities, mortgage, childcare and pet costs come from the joint account and most of my wage goes into the joint account. I was covering the mortgage, utilities and then saving. DH was covering everything else. DH is having to top up the joint more now because of childcare. So my wage covers the mortgage and childcare. DH covers everything else. Obviously MN will flame me for paying childcare from just my wage and it’s a shared family expense. It is a shared family expense but we view it as trying to manage the costs of our two biggest outgoings from the smallest wage (mine). That is going to be a bit tight when nursery costs and the mortgage go up next year.

Then why the surprise about separate finances if that’s the setup you have?

We operate mixed finances.

A significant amount goes into the shared pot that covers our entire shared life, including savings. The remainders are for our own savings and spending. We also have about 5k each of joint savings that we choose how to invest.

We have very different interests for investment, and we enjoy doing that independently. We bounce ideas off each other, but mostly disagree, and are mostly happy to do our own thing.

I think this is more common for those who have a decent amount in excess of their bills.

Separate and 50 50.
This is not the way I wanted to do but sadly we don't trust each other.

The first response made me laugh. I must be 55-75 then, because I have joint finances with my husband.

I'll be 30 in a few months, my husband and I had joint finances for 8 years now. We don't have joint account (never needed one), but we share money. My husband pays some bills from his account (like phone contract, some supplements subscription, fuel, some other bits and bobs- he takes 100 quid for things like haircut, coffee out, some odd shopping if we run out of anything and he's near shop etc.) and transfers rest of the money to my account. I pay all the bills that we have, like rent, utilities, food and so on and rest goes to savings. We use each other's debit cards, share excel file to see how much money we've got. We used to split finances when we moved in together, but it didn't work for us. Both have the same financial priorities, we're not big spenders. My husband has expensive hobby, but apart from working full-time, he's also self-employed and if he wants to buy something (like ridiculously expensive processor or graphics card), his little business pays for it. I don't have expensive hobby, so my husband is ok with me paying for it from our family money (Pilates mat every few years or yoga blocks aren't expensive anyway).

The majority of people who seem to post up about 'money equality issues' are the ones who have separate finances. Read into that what you may.

I suppose there are the odd, married to a cocklodger type person who no one in their right mind would share finances with but IMO its got nothing to do with age or anything else. How can someone not want every single penny of their income not to be used to help 'the family'. I couldnt look my children in the eye if i worked that way

Something I get confused about if you share money completely, is what happens if you want to spend money on nice expensive stuff for yourself? My partner and I have a joint account for bills, mortgage etc. But everything else we earn we have to do what we want with. So I want to buy a nice £200 coat (and I have the money) then I can and I haven't got to answer to anyone. If everything was shared then doing stuff like would require me checking what we have joint, what we need to keep aside, if he has plans to spend any of it, etc. My partners the same, he buys loads of nice stuff for himself and never has to run it by me

I totally get the appeal of sharing everything for ease, but it's stuff like that which confuses me. How does everyone deal with that if you share everything?

Actually, I think you've just answered my question above! If you have a reasonable amount of excess, maybe it is more common to keep your own spending money aside from what you have joint...

How can someone not want every single penny of their income not to be used to help 'the family'. I couldnt look my children in the eye if i worked that way

Wtf. MN is absolutely full of mummy martyrs but this comment is right up there. Of course it’s absolutely fine for not every single penny to go towards family expenses. Of course it’s fine and normal to buy yourself things and not to plough every bit of your income in to the house and your children.

Valuing yourself and wanting to buy yourself nice things with your hard earned cash is absolutely fine and not being able to look your children in the eye otherwise is a ridiculous and dramatic statement.

My husband and I have a joint account and family money that all goes in the pot we are 35 and 36 and have been doing this since our min 20’s. Lots of people my age that I know also do it this way - so I’m not convinced it’s generational.

I always put aside some amount of money for my clothes, makeup etc. and then spend it the way I want (this amount varies, ie. last month we had very expensive car repair, so there was no room for 200 quid coat or bag). My husband is the type that goes to shop once a year, buys what he needs and doesn't come back for another year, so he doesn't do such thing. I plan this trip in advance though, but that's my thing. I like approach of annual budgeting instead of taking one month at a time, so saving pots are my friends 😅

I don’t view our set up as separate finances. Because all our spending is shared and not tracked. We just keep the separate main accounts out of habit / ease.

The friends who were shocked at our set up kept separate accounts but also carefully calculated and split shared costs, and also kept discretionary spending money very separate. Even to the extent of transferring money over to pay the other one back for buying them a coffee.

After getting divorced I would always keep separate finances now!

Partner had bad credit rating much better now but still haven’t financially linked each other. He transfers me half for the bills after that what he has left is his and mine is mine. No pressure to justify why we have brought anything. Food shopping we take it in turns you may get a good week or a bad week. Big purchases we spilt. Going out for food or drinks whoever feels like paying

How can someone not want every single penny of their income not to be used to help 'the family'. I couldnt look my children in the eye if i worked that way

This is absolutely the way DH and I operate with our entirely separate accounts, and I suspect many other people too. We don't need to have joint accounts because we are each absolutely 100% certain that the other is putting everything into 'the family'. We each pay some of the bills although I've no idea whether it is a 50/50 split as we've never bothered to analyse it like that. But it doesn't matter if it isn't as anything that is left over gets used for other family stuff or put into savings to be used for the family at some point.

What is the point in having separate finances if you're married? You're not much of a team if one person can afford to go on holiday and the other can't, or if one can retire and the other can't. And if you split, it will be considered joint money anyway. I really don't understand why people bother to faff around deciding how much they should each contribute. Just have a joint account! (However for unmarried couples I agree, better to keep it separate, although you do read some horror stories about how the make partner won't support the female when she's on mat leave etc)

We very much keep separate finances.

Utilities, council tax and food is 50/50. Childcare is 2/3 I pay, 1/3 DH pays.

I'll be part time from January so my salary will reduce however I still earn more than DP.

DP pays maintenance for three other kids so that's where a lot of his money goes.

I refuse to pay towards his children. That is his responsibility.

Both our salaries go into one joint pot and we get equal spending money from that to our personal accounts. For us the one downside we could see ( one person could just drain it!) is outweighed by the upsides in terms of absence of faff.

I don't think there's a right snd wrong though, so long as both parties are happy!

I disagree.

I'm a team with DH but we've made different decisions in life and they have financial consequences.

I often pay for DH to come on holiday with me as I know he can't afford it otherwise.

I would always want to keep some money back for myself. I dont go clothes shopping very often for instance, but when I do I like to buy nice quality clothes and they are expensive. I can comfortably afford it and don't want to inflict that on DH.
Fine as you've described OP, if you both just buy a few bits from H&M, but that's not me.

@Dinoswearunderpants but that is exactly my point!