To be surprised that so many people have separate finances?

[PlumPudd]

DP and I pretty much share out the paying of our costs, with perhaps a bit of accounting for the fact that we’re on different incomes. The main costs, mortgage, bills, shopping, childcare etc. we broadly split by income, so we have direct debits set up and DP pays a bit more than me. For more discretionary things like clothes, meals out, toiletries, memberships etc. we sometimes pay for our own and sometimes get for both, for example the Amazon account is in DP’s name and we both just get things from there when needed. If I’m doing a clothes shop from H&M DP will add a few bits and I’ll just pay to save on the cost of two deliveries.

Savings are also seen as broadly common e.g. we’re about to move and I’m putting in a bit more than DP just because I’ve ended up with more in the bank, and DP covered some other big costs from their account earlier in the year.

We don’t really keep count, or get pissed off if one pays for more than the other on a particular month as we see the money as our shared money, that’s financing our shared life, regardless of whose income it originally came out of. DP also doesn’t expect me to spend less on discretionary things because my income is a bit lower. It probably helps that neither of us has exorbitant hobbies and that we have a broadly similar view of what’s reasonable to spend on what.

I thought until recently that this is how most couples were, (assuming they are in a committed and happy relationship - different if things are rocky of course) but a few friends have been quite shocked and said that no, they keep their finances very separate. And pay 50 50 or some other carefully calculated split for shared cost like rent / mortgage and then pay for everything else out of their own salary and have their own savings.

So what do you do and why?

Completely shared finances here - all wages into one account, all bills come off, money into joint savings and the the rest we spend. Neither of us are particularly extravagant and it just works. Couldn't be bothered with the hassle of doing it any other way, we are a 'team' as cheesy as that sounds

In my experience OP doing it your way always leads to someone losing out - exactly because you don’t track it. Surely if you want to make things fair and combine finances you have everything going into one pot? (And then separate out equal fun money if that’s what you want to do). It’s the only way to get rid of any discussion/ thought about who’s paid for what.

Because Person 1 will pay for more of the non-bill sort of stuff - takeaways, meals out, a new TV, theatre tickets, holidays/breaks.

Because in years to come Person 1 will still be doing the same with their bigger pension.

This thread is a serious eye-opener about just how many people are uptight about money. If you are in a loving successful relationship it is obvious that the person earning the most will pay the most. As the higher earner, you would just know how much your partner has to spare at the end of the month and tailor your own spending, i.e. what you spend on the family and what you spend on yourself, accordingly. If that isn't what happens then you have way bigger issues in your relationship than not having a joint account.

We have the best set up- his salary goes into our joint account and is then used for bills and all cost of living. Mine goes into my account and is used for shoes and handbags.

Except that every few months we review what I’ve accumulated and make a joint decision about what to do with it, and actually fundamentally all our money is shared, regardless of what accounts it sits in.

There are historic reasons for our current set up- but I prefer each being paid into our own accounts and then transferring to joint for all costs / joint savings and holding a small amount individually.

I wouldn’t want to give up having first call on earnt income- nor do I expect him to. We both believe all our money is joint money regardless of who earnt it and we both have equal spending money and similar attitudes to spending.

What you do is broadly what DH and I do - save that I don’t pay any bills/mortgage as I only work part time - I keep my wages for myself. I will pay for things shopping wise for him and he will for me.

I consider our finances separate, but it seems ours are more shared than yours. For instance, we do have (several) joint accounts and joint savings. We keep our own personal accounts where our salaries are paid into.

You definitely don’t have “shared” finances in the way that is traditionally considered shared, such as one joint account where everything is paid in and then out of. Your finances are separate.

Sorry OP, I’m another who thinks you actually have separate financies.

DH and I are all in: one main joint account, one joint credit card, all money into joint accounts irrespective of who earns or spends it. All our. Investments are jointly owned. We’ve been married 20 years, together for 25, and started joint accounts when we first moved in together.

it works for us because we have no individual debts, similar attitudes to spending and saving, no children from previous relationships. No massively expensive hobbies, no secret addictions. We are open and generous with each other. Neither of us are into ‘stuffI’ - we don’t do Christmas or birthdays very often, neither of us care about gifts tbh but if we need to buy something, we will. Anything over £100 ish, I’d mention as part of our weekly budget chats. We use YNAB for budgeting, we sit down and do it together most weeks.

Over the years we have had periods where one or the other of us was earning less or nothing - it was still all family money, whoever was earning it.

My parents had joint accounts, when my father died earlier this year the banks were a nightmare to deal with as they wanted to speak to my mother who was deaf on the phone - in the end they closed all the current accounts and cards and my mother had no access to the money in any of the joint accounts until this was all sorted which took a few weeks - so something else that would not have been an issue if they had separate accounts.

@Swonderful but if you look at the post I quoted, there's no mention of kids. That's your leap, not mine.

I have to say it's surprising to me as well when you have people who have been together a long time and there are no issues with money! But if it works for you then fair enough! Been married to DH for 15 years. For the first five, until we had DC1, we had separate accounts and just paid equal amounts in to bills. We earned quite similar wages at this point. When we became parents and finances started to change (mat leave, more and different outgoings) we decided to get a joint account and pool everything. This has never been an issue. We still have separate savings accounts and our old individual accounts that we use for various things. If someone wants to make a 'big spend' we will discuss it together.

My DH isn’t great with money, although he thinks he is. He doesn’t look at the month ahead and think of DD’s, food, petrol, birthdays/Xmas etc, he just spends what he wants then goes into savings or CC.
So I have my own account and we split the bills.

I'm 29 my husband 30 and we have one pot all our wages go into and joint savers. Most friends do to. Having completely separate finances to be is the odd one out.

I don't think it's fair at all. I don't think one person should have £800 a month to spend how they like and the other only £400.

I know couples who live like that. I know a gay couple where one earns around £100,000 and the other £35,000. The higher earner buys designer clothes and has an expensive car. The lower earner buys cheap clothes and has an cheap oldish car.

When they go on holiday the higher earner flies first class. The lower one doesn't because he can't afford to.

Me and DH have always shared all money and whatever is left after bills etc is both of ours to spend. Even when I didn't work because of ill health DH never ever tried to limit my spending

But you do have separate finances?! Just because you don't argue about it, doesn't mean they're not separate...

DH and I are late 30s, been together 14 years (married for 10) and have had joint finances since we moved in together (about 18 months after getting together).

It just makes sense... Both our wages go into a joint account and everything, bills, savings etc come out of it. Makes everything so much simpler than having to negotiate, "well, I pay this so you can pay this and this.."

And it must be even more difficult with children, how do you agree who pays for what?!

Life admin is time-consuming enough, I couldn't be faffed with having to contend with these mini negotiations on a daily basis!

Yep, this.

We both have similar attitudes to money and it's all just 'family money'. I wouldn't think of my wages as 'my money' and DH wouldn't either.

That's nothing to do with having joint or separate accounts and everything to do with one partner being a complete knob.

Joint accounts may make it more difficult for your partner to be a knob but that's hardly a glittering endorsement. You could just not marry a knob in the first place.

I have also been surprised by this, OP. We’ve always had shared finances and we aren’t elderly. With several children, life is easier if we’re using the same pot of money for family life, holidays, saving, etc. We did get married in our late 20s, though, so neither of us was very advanced career-wise at that point.

I wonder if part of it is a generational shift where couples are getting married later these days and often live together for several years first, so if they are used to having those separate finances during those cohabiting years. I expect the easy thing is to carry on doing the same thing with finances you have been doing whilst living together.