To be surprised that so many people have separate finances?

[PlumPudd]

DP and I pretty much share out the paying of our costs, with perhaps a bit of accounting for the fact that we’re on different incomes. The main costs, mortgage, bills, shopping, childcare etc. we broadly split by income, so we have direct debits set up and DP pays a bit more than me. For more discretionary things like clothes, meals out, toiletries, memberships etc. we sometimes pay for our own and sometimes get for both, for example the Amazon account is in DP’s name and we both just get things from there when needed. If I’m doing a clothes shop from H&M DP will add a few bits and I’ll just pay to save on the cost of two deliveries.

Savings are also seen as broadly common e.g. we’re about to move and I’m putting in a bit more than DP just because I’ve ended up with more in the bank, and DP covered some other big costs from their account earlier in the year.

We don’t really keep count, or get pissed off if one pays for more than the other on a particular month as we see the money as our shared money, that’s financing our shared life, regardless of whose income it originally came out of. DP also doesn’t expect me to spend less on discretionary things because my income is a bit lower. It probably helps that neither of us has exorbitant hobbies and that we have a broadly similar view of what’s reasonable to spend on what.

I thought until recently that this is how most couples were, (assuming they are in a committed and happy relationship - different if things are rocky of course) but a few friends have been quite shocked and said that no, they keep their finances very separate. And pay 50 50 or some other carefully calculated split for shared cost like rent / mortgage and then pay for everything else out of their own salary and have their own savings.

So what do you do and why?

@MandalayFray

personally think it’s a generational thing, the only people I know with ‘family’ money are older couples. Which is also why it’s a bit of a ‘thing’ on MN (as most posters on AIBU for example are 55-75)

On what precisely do you base that generalisation?

We have transparency but completely separate finances. If dh walked tomorrow I'd be OK and visa versa.

Lates 30s and we have a joint account where both salaries go in and all bills/spending comes out. I earn nearly 3 times as much as DH but I see it as just a pot of money for us both; we're married with one DS and my money is his and his money is mine. My parents have always lived this way so to me it seemed the norm to do this. I never realised how many people keep things so separate even when married.

Everything joint since we got married 40 years ago.

We're married. We're a team.

Maybe if you read my comment you’ll understand

I clearly state - the only people I KNOW

Plus combined with it being common on AIBU (where the base of posters are older) adds to my PERSONAL view.

We pay into a joint pot proportionate to earnings. So DH earns five times what I earn and puts five times into the pot for our shared and child related expenses.
He is a spender and I a saver. That way as long as he's paid his share he can spend the remainder of his salary however he wants. No need to ever discuss or run anything past each other.

Yes same for us. When we bought our house, we just put all wages into a joint account. We buy what we want from it, would probably consult on purchases over £1k, but neither of us has ever been bothered by each other’s spending. We have a similar attitude to money so that help. I just could’ve bothered with the faff, especially when we had children and took parental leave. Friends our age who’ve married or have children do the same. I can only think of one couple that don’t, but they’re not married and they both own separate properties.

Married and we have a joint account which we pay an amount into each month to cover all bills and household expenses. We also both add the same amount to savings each month. Other than that our remaining money is in our own accounts and kept separate to do with as we wish. We both work but earn quite different salaries.

It’s not ageism, it’s an observation. Stop trying to be a victim.

I think the number of posts on here about separate finances probably misrepresent the reality- there are endless posts about couples trying to keep things separate and pay only their own share while simultaneously one parent has gone PT or is paying all child-related expenses etc. I don't think that necessarily means this is a common arrangement, only that it's an arrangement that gives rise to problems that people then post about.

We pool everything. Our big decisions about money (such as buying houses, retirement planning etc) are made jointly so it wouldn't work well to keep things separate. And generally speaking, I think separate finances often cause problems unless you earn very similar amounts (how do you go on holiday if one of you has a budget of £20k and the other £20?) and if you're earning similar amounts why not just pool it and save a load of admin?

Joint accounts can be cleaned out by the first person who wants to be a dick.

Trust no one. My accounts and my money are my own. Always have secret accounts. Always have savings. Never put your finances in someone else's hands.

Most posters are 55-75? Where did you get that from?

Late 30s. We just put both salaries in a joint account moving any excess to a joint saving account. Doing it any other way sounds like a monumental hassle. Neither of us has our own money. It probably helps that we trust each other 100%.

My husband and I are a team. Doesn’t mean we need to share finances though. We pay for our bills in a way which suits us and then whatever is left is our own money.

It’s a generational thing. And as another poster said, it’s based on modern couples having two incomes and works mostly in favour of women. Financial independence is the most important thing and if women can more of it by being fully in control of their own income, that’s a good thing.

We have separate bank accounts ( in our 60s) ...each pay certain bills.
We have a joint credit card for holidays/ meals out/ drinking plus separate ones for personal use. Works for us.

Just to add a different perspective, we are in our twenties and have one joint bank account, one joint savings account. Always have, since we were living together and dating. Both our salaries go in, all the expenses come out.

I think its bonkers how a lot of our peers have separate account or split bills even when they’re married or have kids together.

Even though one of us earns substantially more, that doesn’t affect our value to the family and we both can spend the family pot how we want (within reason - we’d mention it to the other if we wanted to spend something upwards of about £200).

When I see woman on here who have barely any money left each month, yet their husband has loads of spare cash, it makes me cringe. Family money is family money in our household. I’m earning for everyone (husband and kids too), not just for me.

I’m 27 and husband is 30. We have separate accounts. He pays for mortgage and we split other bills including food down equally
Anything we buy separately we pay for ourselves

I don’t think you get financial independence by having a separate account though so you? At the end of the day if you were to divorce the money in your bank account would be looked on no differently from any other joint assets.

To me you have separate finances.

We are early 30s, our salary goes into our personal account just because we can’t be bothered to change it but then every except £X goes into the joint account. £X is the same for each of us regardless of income. The amount left in our account is a very small portion of our income and is just for personal wants like a coffee on the way to work. It just feels less wasteful that way.
Everything else goes into the joint and goes on bills, savings, day drips, holidays, purchases, meals out etc.

It sounds like it’s just @MandalayFray’s personal view @MrsPelligrinoPetrichor. Probably formed based on people they know and posts they’ve seen on AIBU. Perhaps it doesn’t fit your view, but I didn’t read it as ageist or negative.

Nothing to see here 😀

yours sounds separate OP? Although quite nice and fair!

DH and I (early 30s) have a joint current and savings, our salaries go into the joint account then we get the same amount of "pocket money" paid into our personal accounts, which are basically for fun stuff, going out with friends, buying new clothes, coffee out etc

Anything for DD, bills, food, the house, the pets, work expenses (petrol/trains) comes from the joint account.

Your finances are separate. They are as separate as they get?You don’t even have a joint account.

also this way when I was on maternity leave and not earning as much, we still both got the same amount of "pocket money"

If you work in marketing and ask for demographic breakdowns for each topic (as you can run display ads on certain topics only) they will provide on request the breakdown as part of proposals for topic based display activity and sponsored posts.

The site as a whole runs a lot older than you’d expect though, it’s why many of the brands I work with who target younger parents have moved away from MN over the past few years.