To be surprised that so many people have separate finances?

[PlumPudd]

DP and I pretty much share out the paying of our costs, with perhaps a bit of accounting for the fact that we’re on different incomes. The main costs, mortgage, bills, shopping, childcare etc. we broadly split by income, so we have direct debits set up and DP pays a bit more than me. For more discretionary things like clothes, meals out, toiletries, memberships etc. we sometimes pay for our own and sometimes get for both, for example the Amazon account is in DP’s name and we both just get things from there when needed. If I’m doing a clothes shop from H&M DP will add a few bits and I’ll just pay to save on the cost of two deliveries.

Savings are also seen as broadly common e.g. we’re about to move and I’m putting in a bit more than DP just because I’ve ended up with more in the bank, and DP covered some other big costs from their account earlier in the year.

We don’t really keep count, or get pissed off if one pays for more than the other on a particular month as we see the money as our shared money, that’s financing our shared life, regardless of whose income it originally came out of. DP also doesn’t expect me to spend less on discretionary things because my income is a bit lower. It probably helps that neither of us has exorbitant hobbies and that we have a broadly similar view of what’s reasonable to spend on what.

I thought until recently that this is how most couples were, (assuming they are in a committed and happy relationship - different if things are rocky of course) but a few friends have been quite shocked and said that no, they keep their finances very separate. And pay 50 50 or some other carefully calculated split for shared cost like rent / mortgage and then pay for everything else out of their own salary and have their own savings.

So what do you do and why?

Because not all money needs to ‘help’ the family.

DH and I earn a lot, so could never use all our money on just the family either anyway.

We have family savings, holiday savings, emergency savings that we both contribute to equally, but also have personal savings and investments.

We don't need a joint account to be able to enjoy the same luxuries as each other because, you know, we are actual adults who don't get hung up about whether one person has paid more than the other.

We got a joint account when we got married 42 years ago. It has worked for us.

At times I have been the higher earner, at times DH has. I couldn't work for a year or so because of illhealth and then could only work part time. Never mattered.

All money, except money presents for birthday or Christmas, is OUR money.

I think you have separate finances - but not to the extent of your friends who transfer money for a coffee! What a miserable way to live (the coffee transfer couple).

the fact that you’re not married (?) (I’m assuming as do not dh or dw?) means that a certain amount of separation and keeping track of the big expenses is probably wise : assume that your big assets are joint names?

my dh and I have truly shared finances - one joint account from which everything comes out. We have our own credit cards which are paid off from the joint account. Don’t ask each other about purchases but like PP would prob mention if planning to spend more than £1k. Both high earners and have shared finances for the 15 years we’ve been married. Prior to marriage we made contributions based on a % of income.

Late fifties here and married for 29 years.

We have largely separate finances and prefer it that way.

We did try the pooled money approach early on in our marriage and just neither of us liked it so it stopped. My parents always had pooled finances, which my mother largely managed because my father found doing that sort of thing too stressful. DH's parents were the complete opposite and always had separate accounts. He grew up with that as the background and just couldn't fully adapt to pooling much. So we don't.

We are still a team.

If the partner is shit with money then it makes sense to have different accounts. No way could I have had a joint account, he would have spent every last penny on a load of shit

Me and DP (civil partnership so that counts), put an equal amount in to cover just the shared bills. All other expenses (cars, clothes etc), are paid for using our own money. TBH I have no idea how much DP has in his personal account and I don't think I've told him how much I have. If we want to go away then the cost of the hotel and travel are halved and any is paid for separately.

When I was married to my exH all money went into a joint account, which didn't end well for me (I was the higher earner), when we divorced. Won't be making that mistake again.

*any food/drinks out is paid for separately that should read.

We each have our own separate bank accounts, plus a shared one. We each pay a set amount into that, and all household bills are paid from the joint account. We are both self employed, too, so have separate business accounts there as well. It works for us - been married for 25 years.

What you describe seems like separate to me as you split based on income? Our salaries both go into a joint account and all household bills, mortgage etc come out of that. Then we each get an 'allowance' into our own accounts to spend as we wish each month but it's exactly the same.

Joint here. Has always been this way for us. Both under 55yo.

I'd consider yours separate finances. If you split they'd be easy to extricate. Being relaxed about who pays for what doesn't make them shared.

We have one account where everything comes in and out. Only pensions and ISAs are in one name but we contribute equal amounts and I look after the money so have all the passwords.

Actually I think it's kind of sad. Fir this new generation. For joint to not be the norm. As a real unit why not have joint. Who cares who earns the most, put it all together and pay all out of it. And you can have your own aswell. Is it because they are all assuming that marriage is short term rather than long term?

I spend far too much on shoes, makeup and cocktails to ever share finances with my hubby. He'd go spare!
We do have a joint account for bills and family expenses. That's enough for me!

To me your set up sounds totally like split finances. Why do you consider it combined?

We don't have a joint account and I don't work. I go into DH's account and take whatever I need. We are generally sensible and never restrict each other's spending. That's our family pot.

We just have a joint account, I cba juggling and working out who should be paying what and/or moving money around.

@Bananaman123

"If the partner is shit with money then it makes sense to have different accounts. "

Why are you with someone who is shit with money?

I agree with Michael. cba.
"You've had a pay increase and you're not contributing more into the joint; you've spent £35 - oh naughty you." fuck that for a game of soldiers". Who cares.

I have a friend who has totally separate finances from her partner. They did have roughly the same income but now hers has dropped by quite a bit.

He wants to go abroad on holiday and can afford to but she can't. It's causing a lot of arguments. He has said if he has to he will pay for her but she has to pay him back!

I have heard couples talking about the other owing them £1 or whatever because they bought milk. No way could I live like that. Faffing about deciding who pays what would drive me mad

My husband got into debt, it was extremely handy that we had separate finances at this point, we closed the one joint thing and threw his credit rating off a cliff whilst maintaining mine as excellent. I was then able to finance stuff cheaply and pay back debt. would never ever have joint accounts or cards now, just not for me.

Mid thirties , same here.

I personally find it odd when people have split finances from their life partner, tho perhaps I’m mainly talking about where there are children too. It just seems such a fundamental part of a shared life… we’re in our mid thirties, together almost 20 years.. the idea of “my money” and “his money” (ditto savings/investments as much as current account) is incredibly alien and kind of troubling to me. I think a lot of it’s to do with power dynamics for me ultimately..

It might be because of different attitudes towards money. If one’s a spender and the other’s a saver joint finances are disastrous. There’s nothing sad about having financial arrangements that suit your circumstances.

We are early-mid 30s and have totally shared finances since we got married, everything goes into and comes out of the joint account. Seems much simpler to me. I don't understand situations where one partner has plenty of money and the other is struggling when you're supposed to be working as a team.

I'm in Australia, mid thirties, and it's quite different here. Our legal system means once de facto (living together for 2 years) or married, assets are considered joint regardless of who is bringing it in.

Perhaps that's why almost everyone I know here (friends and family) all consolidate into one "pool"? I 100% agree with this approach and I can't wrap my head around one person in the partnership having "more money" than the other.

The only couple I know who doesn't do this is my cousin and his wife; she has full control of their accounts and transfers him a limited amount of money a week as he is a recovering gambling addict.