To be surprised that so many people have separate finances?

[PlumPudd]

DP and I pretty much share out the paying of our costs, with perhaps a bit of accounting for the fact that we’re on different incomes. The main costs, mortgage, bills, shopping, childcare etc. we broadly split by income, so we have direct debits set up and DP pays a bit more than me. For more discretionary things like clothes, meals out, toiletries, memberships etc. we sometimes pay for our own and sometimes get for both, for example the Amazon account is in DP’s name and we both just get things from there when needed. If I’m doing a clothes shop from H&M DP will add a few bits and I’ll just pay to save on the cost of two deliveries.

Savings are also seen as broadly common e.g. we’re about to move and I’m putting in a bit more than DP just because I’ve ended up with more in the bank, and DP covered some other big costs from their account earlier in the year.

We don’t really keep count, or get pissed off if one pays for more than the other on a particular month as we see the money as our shared money, that’s financing our shared life, regardless of whose income it originally came out of. DP also doesn’t expect me to spend less on discretionary things because my income is a bit lower. It probably helps that neither of us has exorbitant hobbies and that we have a broadly similar view of what’s reasonable to spend on what.

I thought until recently that this is how most couples were, (assuming they are in a committed and happy relationship - different if things are rocky of course) but a few friends have been quite shocked and said that no, they keep their finances very separate. And pay 50 50 or some other carefully calculated split for shared cost like rent / mortgage and then pay for everything else out of their own salary and have their own savings.

So what do you do and why?

I’ve never said we don’t talk about it. We would absolutely discuss a £4k holiday, whoever was taking it.

but we also have very small children so booking things on a whim without discussion is less of a thing generally at this stage in our lives.

It’s just as easy to transfer a small amount (automatically setup in fact) from a joint account that wages are all paid into as it is to transfer money paid into separate accounts to somewhere joint.

I have never said everyone should do the same as me and I am fully aware it won’t work for everyone, but you are saying that other people doing something different to you doesn’t make sense, when clearly it does just as much as your way

@MandalayFray

It's easy to make these decisions either together or independently.

Either:
"I'm going away that weekend"
<cost not discussed>
"Ok, have fun!"

Or:
"Seen this holiday, fancy going together?"
"How much?"
"£2k each"
"Yes, I'll ping you the money, please boom it!" or "No, not for me, but don't let that stop you if you want to check it out".

How complicated do some people make things?!?

When I first got married, we were in the Halifax BS and there was a middle-aged guy in there crying his eyes out - his wife had left him and emptied out all their joint accounts and he had nothing to live on.

We have always had separate accounts from that day but do have some joint savings accounts.

We've had entirely shared finances ((no separate bank accounts) ever since I came back from doing a PhD abroad (already married and pregnant at that point). Obvoiusly before then I need my own bank account in the country where I was living, but DH paid for most things when we were together as he earned much more than my student grant. He was also already paying all the costs of the house that I then moved into full time. At that point I saw no reason not to just pay the salary I started earning into the common pot (his bank account became a joint account). To be honest, I didn't even consider it an option to keep my money separate, perhaps because my parents always had entirely joint money - and also used to laugh a little at my grandmother asking my grandfather for 99p for some shoe polish she'd bought for his shoes, as she was given her own housekeeping/allowance money.

Clearly different systems work for different people and there is no right or wrong. The only thing I find a bit odd is when couples obsess about fine details of who owes whom for small amounts of money. But then I don't even do that with my family or friends. I also feel that in a couple both partners should normally have equal access and influence over money, so any system that leaves one partner with more than the other (eg where a higher earning partner puts the same amount or the same income share into a common household pot) feels wrong to me. It also seems inconvenient to have to keep adjusting shares of household costs every time circumstances change. DH has at times earned quite a lot more than me, but I have now slightly overtaken him and that gap will get bigger as he moves towards retirement before me. I could imagine that if budgeting is an issue then it could be helpful to give each partner their own (equal) discretionary spends once household costs have been taken out. We're extremely lucky that our tastes and spending habits have always run cheaper than our income so we've never felt any real financial constraints. We rarely discuss money or expenditure at all. Except in the context of eg building work on the house. I realise that isn't entirely normal. As for the "how do you buy gifts" argument? The gift isn't the expenditure, it's the thought and the time that goes into it. And I've almost never spotted exactly what the gift is in advance by spotting an item on the bank account. Definitely not worth overhauling entire financial arrangements for!

There are risks associated with both ways of doing things, everyone knows that.

I worked with a woman whose husband forced her to pay half of all the bills and everything for the baby throughout her maternity leave, including when she was on statutory pay. He earned a lot more than her. My husband and I decided on shared finances when we decided to have children.

It’s genuinely hilarious how niche that is

“I can’t possibly share finances because I wouldn’t be able to book holidays without discussion with my partner”

DH & I have been married 28 years, we have never had a joint bank account, and neither would I.

Early 30s and joint account
We also have our own accounts for equal spending money (which we would use to buy each other gifts)
We both have our own savings accounts which hold our fuck off funds that we had before our relationship.

A friend's husband earns substantially more than her. They split all bills. She can't easily afford to go on holiday whilst he can! He has lots of spare money and she has none.

Another friend and her husband just have a joint account that both their salaries are paid into, all bills come out of, and what is left technically belongs to both of them. They buy what they want out of this but discuss very big purchases.

I think the second option works best.

I don't know- do you really believe this? Although I can think of many practical reasons for separate finances, the idea of a family with children doing this rigmarole of moving money about - even worse if mention is made of "spends" (shudder) - seems so wrong. I can't put my finger on it; it's almost like you can share a home, a life, even children, but money comes above all this. That is what it feels like to me.

The first version works fine if neither of you are selfish arseholes.

We have a joint account, wouldn’t bother me in terms of money if one wanted to spend £4k on a holiday, I’d be more pissed of they didn’t ask as I’d be doing the childcare if they went away. So in that respect we’d consult with each other. If one of us wanted to spend £4k on a purchase which didn’t involve childcare, neither of us would have an issue. Also, why are you using your current account for large purchases. Use your credit card, at least then if something goes wrong it’s much easier to claim.

Whatever works for your family is the best way, not everyone is good at budgeting, not everyone has to budget.

In my household we have separate accounts, DH earns more so pays a bit more than I do in terms of household bills and we share the cost of family holidays. We then each have money remaining to pay our own expenses (Mobiles, subscriptions, hobbies etc.) We know what each other earns and sat down and did the joint costings early on, so there is no duplicity in this, but it does give you some financial freedom. Just because you’re married you don’t stop being an individual. If you are lucky enough to have some excess why not have access to your ‘own’ money so you can treat yourself or each other. It doesn’t make you less of a team or bonkers as some have stated 🙄 Do what’s best for you

You say “do what’s best for you” but there is clear judgement in your “financial freedom” comments there.

Absolutely agree. If your partner happily sees you go without, then the issue is with them. However you decide to budget, you should both agree what you consider fair terms.

Doesn't that mean he has 5 times as much spending money?

The idea of shared accounts for anything other than bills fills me with dread and anxiety. I categorically could never do that.

I’m not sure how you see ‘clear judgement’, by me clearly advising people to do what works for them, before explaining my set up, as OP has asked us to do. Why try to start arguments with people or seek subterfuge when there isn’t any 🙄

What I feel is freedom for me, others may see as utter chaos. Does it matter? I repeat my earlier comments as long as both partners agree their terms and it works for them who are we to judge. Some posters have insinuated that some partners are not proper team players for not sharing every last penny, or indeed “bonkers”!
If everyone is happy, live and let live.

Those of you who split bills:

Bills are £1,800 per month

Person 1 earns £2k per month after tax and pays 2/3rds bills (£1,200)
Person 2 earns £1k per month after tax and pays 1/3rd bills (£600)

Person 1 has £800 left plus much bigger pension contributions.

Person 2 has £400 left and a diddly pension.

How is that fair?

I completely agree, but I get exactly the kind of freedom you describe by pooling all our money and sharing the excess equally. I don’t have to account for that spending. The difference is that neither of us gets more or less based on our salary (which we all know is no measure of how hard a person works). I see lots of benefits to fully separated finances, but the idea to me that you are any more or less “trapped” by either way of doing things isn’t anything to do with the joint/separated thing and everything to do with your circumstances and how much of an arse you or your partner might be

Late 20s and married. We share finances, we get paid into the same account and then share all money. Mortgage, bills, holidays, everything is joint including savings and investments (different investment accounts of course but we consider it jointly ours).

Have an allowance each which we transfer to personal accounts

You're right it's not fair.

Person 2 doesn't earn much and only pays a third of the bills, yet enjoys 50% benefit of a £1.8k / mth lifestyle.

Person 1 has an anchor.

Yes, the lower earner always likes the second option best. Why wouldn't they!

When we got married my husband made his bank account a joint account, both wages are paid in there and we don’t have separate finances. A lot of my friends have their own bank account and credit cards but it just works for us to have everything in one place.

These kind comments are why there is a gender wealth gap. Women think it's fine to be treated poorly when they earn less due to having kids. Men prioritise their wealth over their partners' and women accept it.