Honesty or politeness?

[Thistledew]

AIBU to think that exceptional politeness is not actually an admirable personality trait, that it inhibits the making of meaningful connections, and that a reasonable dose of honesty does not amount to rudeness and insensitivity?

MIL is someone who is always polite, helpful and a people pleaser. Well, at least to peoples faces. Behind their backs she is gossipy, scathing and unbending in her negative impressions of people. She finds me rude, because I will speak honestly and have a tendency to bluntness. But what you see is what you get. I have an absolute rule that I never say anything about anyone behind their backs that I would not say to their face.

The latest thing that I have done to upset MIL, whom I have known now for nearly 15 years, was to be less than effusive over her new house. She has bought and recently done a full renovation of a lovely 1930s bungalow, which I have just seen for the first time since she did the work on it. She asked me if I like what she has done. Unfortunately, I don’t. It’s not horrendously objectionable, but I just don’t think it works and actually found it quite an uncomfortable space. It is full of original features such as dado rails and ceiling panels, but she has painted everything pure white (with a pure white bathroom and kitchen too). It made me quite uncomfortable - it was grey and gloomy with the lights off and glaring and clinical with them on.

She asked if I liked it- I said something about it being a lot smarter than when she bought it and it being great that she could decorate it to her taste, but that on a rainy day (which it was that day) pure white decor can be tricky as it will seem a bit grey.

Later, I heard her complain to DH that “it wouldn’t hurt to just be polite” and that I had been rude.

Should I have just smiled and said that it was lovely? It makes me feel uncomfortable to be insincere in that way, but maybe it’s the done thing. I would never actually tell her that I think it’s bad, but I don’t see the point either of pretending that I think something is great when I don’t. Maybe everyone else does and I am just rude as MIL thinks.

YANBU in general re honesty but when it comes to something like someone’s personal taste in decoration being honest doesn’t help. That’s her taste - you won’t change it by disliking it, all it does is offend.

i had similar when a friend bought a house that wasn’t my style at all but I could see it suited her and was positive about it. When I did mine up she insisted on continuously saying it wasn’t her taste and it just pissed me off so much by the end. It’s not your house so you don’t need to like it, just be happy for her that she does

Same goes for wedding dresses and baby names, and other things where people won’t change their mind but will just resent you

I find people who bang on about “what you see is what you get” are actually just rude more often than not.

I think there’s a middle ground here. I understand your point about wanting to be straight with people, but if you know it’s going to upset them then it’s worth trying to be pleasant too. Couldn’t you have found something nice to say about something in the new house in order to maintain relations and spare MIL feelings? Surely there’s one positive or plus point you could have found?

I think you were a bit mean OP.

This

There is such a thing as diplomacy. I'm always honest but sometimes there are things that simply don't need to be said. You could have left it at commenting on the improvements since she bought the house there was no need to be critical about her colour choice. You'd have been honest without being hurtful.

You were rude.

If she’d asked your opinion before she painted it, your points might have been helpful. But what did you expect her to do with the information once the painting has happened?

I don’t think you are alone with this view, but I am really uncomfortable with people who are charming and polite to someone’s face, but will slate them to everyone they speak to behind their backs. I genuinely do wonder why the latter is not seen as horribly rude but the former is.

Should I have just smiled and said that it was lovely

Yep! It doesn’t cost money to just be polite when something doesn’t affect you in any way whatsoever.

What you said was rude but moreso deliberately nasty and designed to hurt feelings I think. But hey, tell yourself you just always tell the truth and give yourself a pat on the back.

Absolutely, I was thinking this and then got to the bit about her house. I think you were really really rude.

You managed to find something kind and polite to say, why not stop there. It wouldn't be two faced if you then didn't say the negative stuff to anyone else behind her back.

Oh >insert name< you must be so thrilled to live here. How long did it take to get it how you like it? What are your future plans.

No personal opinion whatsoever.

Oh what a dear baby. How could anyone harm a baby.

Fairly neutral.

Or you could just politely say something positive about the decor and also not slate them behind their back. It doesn't have to be either or.

There are times when its necessary t tell the whole blunt truth and there are times when its not

If you dont know the difference (and it would appear you dont) then keep your trap shut at all times

It would have been no skin off your nose whatsoever to say it looked nice, it has no bearing on anything, its just basic human social competence to understand that.

Why does it have to be those two extremes?
You don’t have to be rude to someone’s face and say something you know is upsetting or say something nice and then bitch about them.
Do you not realise there is a third option?

I think you’re conflating two separate issues.

You can be tactful and polite without being two faced.

If she was asking your opinion before pairing, then honesty would be beneficial.

As she’s already painted there was no need for the negatives. It does seem rude because it’s completely unnecessary. If you really really couldn’t bring yourself to say you it looked nice, then you should have confined yourself to just saying it looked smarter.

Redecorate, if she actually genuinely wanted my opinion and was at all interested in hearing it and assessing what I had to say. Other people who have visited the house have said (to me) that they found it really cold (even though she has her thermostat on 20).

If she wasn’t interested in my actual view then either don’t ask, or feel free to ignore me and stick with what makes her happy. Why bother asking if the only response you want is an insincere one?

Well did you have plans to go slating her colour choices to all and sundry?

If not, which I presume you didnt, then its nothing to be charming and polite is it?

No doubt you also use the phrase 'telling it like it is'

Why do you think honesty and politeness are alternatives? You can easily be honest and polite (or honest and impolite if you want to tell an arse what you really think of them!).
Politeness is just thinking how your actions will make others feel. In the case of the MIL, as the house was already painted you could have honestly given your opinion that it looked better, suited her style etc and then shut up to avoid pissing on fires.

Should I have just smiled and said that it was lovely? It makes me feel uncomfortable to be insincere in that way

Well if your feelings are more important to you than your MIL's, I suppose YANBU in a way.

You could have found something you liked and not mentioned anything else.

She’d already done the work, already had it done up so what was the point in saying it wasn’t your taste? She wasn’t asking “should I paint it orange or purple or beige”, she was just saying “ooh, isn’t it nice??!!”

If you go for dinner at someone’s house, do you not just say “this is lovely, thanks so much!” even if what you mean is “this food is almost inedible, your chairs are really uncomfortable, but I’m really enjoying hanging out with you”. It makes for a much nicer evening and you can still just actually tell them how much you enjoy their company without mentioning their cookery.

My mil is overly willing to call a spade a fucking shovel. It’s not a virtue- I don’t really give a shit if she likes my shoes /hair/ nail varnish which is why I don’t ask her. In return, she doesn’t need to tell me.

I hope your MIL now feels freed to be as honest with you as you are with her.

No she probably didn’t genuinely want your honest opinion, she was proud and pleased about her new home and wanted to chat about it.

Jesus if people only asked questions if they were going to act on the response no-one would ever need to talk.

I mostly agree with you about honesty. However I also think some things just don't need to be said at all. For example you could have said the house was much smarter than when she bought it without all the extra comments. If she was asking your opinion before decorating then that's different, but after the fact, what was she supposed to do with the information that you gave?