Honesty or politeness?

[Thistledew]

AIBU to think that exceptional politeness is not actually an admirable personality trait, that it inhibits the making of meaningful connections, and that a reasonable dose of honesty does not amount to rudeness and insensitivity?

MIL is someone who is always polite, helpful and a people pleaser. Well, at least to peoples faces. Behind their backs she is gossipy, scathing and unbending in her negative impressions of people. She finds me rude, because I will speak honestly and have a tendency to bluntness. But what you see is what you get. I have an absolute rule that I never say anything about anyone behind their backs that I would not say to their face.

The latest thing that I have done to upset MIL, whom I have known now for nearly 15 years, was to be less than effusive over her new house. She has bought and recently done a full renovation of a lovely 1930s bungalow, which I have just seen for the first time since she did the work on it. She asked me if I like what she has done. Unfortunately, I don’t. It’s not horrendously objectionable, but I just don’t think it works and actually found it quite an uncomfortable space. It is full of original features such as dado rails and ceiling panels, but she has painted everything pure white (with a pure white bathroom and kitchen too). It made me quite uncomfortable - it was grey and gloomy with the lights off and glaring and clinical with them on.

She asked if I liked it- I said something about it being a lot smarter than when she bought it and it being great that she could decorate it to her taste, but that on a rainy day (which it was that day) pure white decor can be tricky as it will seem a bit grey.

Later, I heard her complain to DH that “it wouldn’t hurt to just be polite” and that I had been rude.

Should I have just smiled and said that it was lovely? It makes me feel uncomfortable to be insincere in that way, but maybe it’s the done thing. I would never actually tell her that I think it’s bad, but I don’t see the point either of pretending that I think something is great when I don’t. Maybe everyone else does and I am just rude as MIL thinks.

Like you OP I'm of the opinion that I value honesty BUT I do have diplomacy and tact. I'm not someone who could be accused of being two faced but if my opinion was asked on the subject you were, I'd be very neutral. I'd never be intentionally hurtful and I don't think you were in this instance, I think your MIL sniping behind folks back and being nice to their face (sugar and shite) has maybe grated on you a bit. Understandable.

There are different ways of building relationships with people, OP. It’s great when people are similar to you, and you can treat them how you would like to be treated yourself, and all is good. But some people are very different to you. Not worse, or more fake necessarily. Some people have very strong insecurities. Some people need to feel like others like them before they can relax in front of others. Some people need to know that you’ll always back them up and be in their corner. Everyone has different personalities and different upbringings. If you genuinely would like to connect with your MIL think about what she would like, rather than what you would like. Presumably your OH has some idea on this too? He loves both of you - can he help?
I guess that your “say it how it is” makes her feel very criticised and means she can’t relax in front of you or trust you - which is a vicious circle.

In this situation, when someone has just redecorated to their choice of decor, and appears to be happy with it - then no, you don’t criticise, ESPECIALLY when you know full well that that person doesn’t like criticism. You say a few things that are true then ask them about specifics, as others have said. So yes, it looks really smart. Who did you get to do the work? It’s nice and bright. Etc. Maybe you could be more open if they were asking “I’ve done this but I’m not sure if it’s too cold or not?” Or “I just don’t feel happy with it but don’t know why”. Or even if it was beforehand when it wasn’t too late.

Why bother asking if the only response you want is an insincere one?
she was proud of her new house and wanted her family to share her excitement. I’m sure there are some positives in the house however it feels like you want to make a point of being as brutally honest as possible with your MIL. Maybe she’s chosen this colour scheme because it’s the cheapest or to make cleaning easier or to match her other furniture or whatever.
Not so long ago our neighbours showed me their new extension. It’s absolutely not to my taste but they desperately needed space for 3 DC so had different priorities. I was very impressed how much space they added and didn’t feel the need to comment on their choice of paint.

The other thing that I find difficult about this scenario is that MIL has in the past asked for my views and help on design matters. I have a bit of a hobby in garden design. I’ve done three landscaping designs of my own gardens, a couple for friends, and twice MIL has got me to do or help with hers. I appreciate there is a difference in that she didn’t ask for my suggestions on her house before doing the work, and I obviously did not give this enough consideration when thinking about whether my view were genuinely sought.

Don’t worry. I’m getting the message that most people value politeness over sincerity. As that’s not something that holds a lot of value to me, I think the only way of respecting our mutual boundaries is to not expect any sort of meaningful connection

No, you’re not getting the message at all. The message is that it’s not a binary choice. You can have a meaningful connection whilst being kind. In fact, the kindness paves the way to the meaningful connection.

I hate when people say things like this. "I just tell it like it is" "Always say exactly what I think" Well sometimes you just bloody shouldn't'

I don’t think that anybody is 100% kind all of the time, are they? MIL, for example, is so unfailingly polite to people to their faces, but behind their backs can be quite vicious in the way she speaks about people. Most people are more in the middle ground.

What I’m struggling with is the idea that to foster a good relationship with MIL, I need to be kinder to her and not show criticism or frustrations that I might be feeling.

But I see her duplicity as an unkindness. I feel deterred from having a close relationship with her because I can never be sure what she is saying behind my back.

That is why I say that with me “what you see is what you get”. I might not be able to manage to sustain MIL’s politeness, but you can be sure that I’m not saying anything worse about you behind your back.

Don’t worry. I’m getting the message that most people value politeness over sincerity. As that’s not something that holds a lot of value to me, I think the only way of respecting our mutual boundaries is to not expect any sort of meaningful connection.

You really do seem to find it difficult to read what people are saying as well as understand cultural and societal norms.
What people are overwhelmingly saying is that it isn't a straight choice between being 'honest' or being 'polite'.
You should perhaps put some effort into learning the skill of being honest and diplomatic, or even kind.
You perhaps need to learn the difference between when people are just looking for a bit of praise or even just reassurance, and when people are struggling to make a decision about something they haven't already done and are genuinely asking for your considered opinion.

In this case, clearly she has already done the work and was looking for people to say something nice - so, you should have used one of the suggestions already given in this thread - "Oh, you've really worked hard on this" then deflected it with a question "Who did you use to do the work?" / "Did you decorate it yourself?" / "Did you have any trouble getting your furniture from the house to fit in here ?"

Hmmm, we’re you a bully at school? You sound like one or those people who uses the excuse of ‘speaking their mind’ to get away with trampling on other peoples feelings and being a bit of a cow.

I think you should have said something like "Well done, you've made a good job of it" without saying anything negative.

If you’re that troubled by something so trivial as someone having white walls, the issue is with you not them. You cannot build deep and meaningful relationships with people if you cannot look beyond such superficial considerations. Save your ‘honesty’ and ‘sincerity’ for topics that actually matter.

No. Quite the contrary. At school I would not say anything even remotely unkind or critical, even when people were doing so to me. As a result I got trampled all
over and bullied for many years. Ironically perhaps, I’ve gained a lot more friends since I started to stick up for myself and speak more frankly to people.

Ah, OK, you’re over-compensating for your past issues by going too far the other way. Try and find a balance.

“If you’re that troubled by something so trivial as someone having white walls, the issue is with you not them. You cannot build deep and meaningful relationships with people if you cannot look beyond such superficial considerations. Save your ‘honesty’ and ‘sincerity’ for topics that actually matter.”

What troubled me was that for me, the decor makes the house quite uncomfortable, and I wasn’t the first person to notice this. But I appreciate that I was wrong to say anything.

I think in the context you have given, I would disagree with you and I would have lied and said the bungalow was lovely.

However, in general, I hate some aspects of British culture where we don't speak out and yet seethe with resentment. one example is when someone is in the way in a shop and people who stand behind that person, who is oblivious and huff and puff and tut and mutter passive aggressive comments when all the had to do was ask if they could get past. They think they are being polite by waiting behind but they don't want to and are raging inwardly. What is the point?

I think that you are being pedantic here OP. You don't need a crash course in anything.
There is being agreeable and polite, and then there is being two faced.

The way you describe your MIL is the latter. You were rude IMO.

I would have said something along the lines of 'I can see you have put in a lot of work' or some other sort of acknowledgment of the work, whilst keeping my true opinions to myself as there is absolutely nothing to be gained in this situation.

That is quite different to this fake politeness you are describing.

I think you were rude. Your first comment about it being smarter was absolutely fine. Honest but polite.
You don’t have to gush you love it if you don’t but just say something polite like you have been working hard, what a big difference etc.

There is a possibility that I am neurodivergent in some way. I tend to take questions such as “What do you think of the house?” as literally asking for an answer to that question. I can see from the replies here that that MIL did not really mean it as a direct question. I frequently have this problem with her - if I give her a direct answer to the question she asks I appear rude. I find it really emotionally draining to have to filter and re-interpret a lot of the questions she asks as it often seems to be that she is not actually intending to ask the question that she formulates.

I don’t have this problem with DH or with members of my family. We are all a lot more literal in our communication. I don’t seem to have this problem with my few close friends, but admit that I don’t have a very big circle of friends and maybe this is why.

Thanks for the insights. I’m not sure how possible it is to learn the skills of reinterpreting questions - it’s not something that comes naturally to me and I find it very draining to have to sustain.

Is it also possible that you are subconsciously quite snobby. White walls were all the rage a few years back but now look quite dated. Some people still like that simple look though.

Did you never paint anything white or grey when it was in fashion? Have you never painted ceilings white or had a white bathroom? If you did then think about why you liked it back then, perhaps because it was crisp and light.

Being honest doesn't mean you have to give your opinion, especially with something so unimportant as paint colour.

I’ve just painted my kitchen walls white! I’ve nothing against white paint in principle. I just think it makes this particular bungalow look very stark and cold. I’m not the only one who has been left with this impression.

"I'm not the only one who thinks so" smacks of the fact that you've all conferred behind her back .

You’re trivializing kindness by pretending it’s politeness. And surely you know the options aren’t only rudeness or bitchiness.

I have never met anyone who calls themselves blunt, honest, a ‘call a spade a spade’ person etc who wasn’t an absolute and complete snowflake if the honesty was ever turned on them.

See above. Before I visited, a mutual relation said they had visited and found it “cold”. It seems to be a fairly normal topic of conversation to me. I didn’t comment at the time because I had not seen it.

My MIL is always honest, which is one of the reasons I spend as little time seeing her as possible. There's a fine line between being honest and being tactless

I just want to say that I fully understand where you are coming from OP. I don'tthink you wre rude, but I can also see that MIL mght be just looking for validation and not an opinion. I also believe that good relationships are build in trust and honesty. However, you didnt chose MIL, and you are stuck with her, so here is a case of best management.....