Honesty or politeness?

[Thistledew]

AIBU to think that exceptional politeness is not actually an admirable personality trait, that it inhibits the making of meaningful connections, and that a reasonable dose of honesty does not amount to rudeness and insensitivity?

MIL is someone who is always polite, helpful and a people pleaser. Well, at least to peoples faces. Behind their backs she is gossipy, scathing and unbending in her negative impressions of people. She finds me rude, because I will speak honestly and have a tendency to bluntness. But what you see is what you get. I have an absolute rule that I never say anything about anyone behind their backs that I would not say to their face.

The latest thing that I have done to upset MIL, whom I have known now for nearly 15 years, was to be less than effusive over her new house. She has bought and recently done a full renovation of a lovely 1930s bungalow, which I have just seen for the first time since she did the work on it. She asked me if I like what she has done. Unfortunately, I don’t. It’s not horrendously objectionable, but I just don’t think it works and actually found it quite an uncomfortable space. It is full of original features such as dado rails and ceiling panels, but she has painted everything pure white (with a pure white bathroom and kitchen too). It made me quite uncomfortable - it was grey and gloomy with the lights off and glaring and clinical with them on.

She asked if I liked it- I said something about it being a lot smarter than when she bought it and it being great that she could decorate it to her taste, but that on a rainy day (which it was that day) pure white decor can be tricky as it will seem a bit grey.

Later, I heard her complain to DH that “it wouldn’t hurt to just be polite” and that I had been rude.

Should I have just smiled and said that it was lovely? It makes me feel uncomfortable to be insincere in that way, but maybe it’s the done thing. I would never actually tell her that I think it’s bad, but I don’t see the point either of pretending that I think something is great when I don’t. Maybe everyone else does and I am just rude as MIL thinks.

Its general chit chat, discussion, human bonding, social interaction.

Cant you see that?

Yeah I’m with you on this. I can’t stand fake politeness and I don’t think your comment was rude - you said it was great she’d done it to her taste and it was smarter than when she bought it. How is that rude? I painted stripes in my hallway and one friend told me it looks like a demented circus. I wasn’t remotely offended, I don’t expect everyone to share my taste. Plus, she knows I think her sequin cushions are tacky. We laugh over it!

Other people who have visited the house have said (to me) that they found it really cold (even though she has her thermostat on 20)

Thats talking behind someone’s back.

This all sounds a bit tit for tat TBH. You don’t like her by the sound of it and I don’t think anything anyone says on here will make any difference.

Yep.

Yes the ‘what you see is what you get’ people tend to also be the ‘I tell it like it is’ people.
Saying that to excuse any sort of bad manners and making out it’s tough if others don’t like it. 🙄

It’s just about being nice though isn’t it? If someone spends money on their home, they literally want you to reinforce they have made good choices. You sound abrupt and rude.
No one really wants constructive criticism!

Be honest when it doesn't hurt, such as "you've worked so hard and transformed it".

Leave out the negatives!

I hope so too. But then my family tend to be a lot more frank with each other and show our love and affection in practical means. With MIL, I always feel I have to censor myself and mask any negative emotions or she will be upset. I have struggled to reach any proper feeling of connecting with her as even after 15 years she prefers interactions that feel superficial to me. Sadly, I think that I have to be resigned to smiling and saying “lovely” and that she isn’t really interested in knowing what I truly think or feel.

you sound socially inept.
well, different things come naturally to different people;
we all can learn and improve.
except i doubt you are open to do so, as you sound self-righteously pleased with yourself being unpleasant.
i'm with team MIL on this one.

I think that I have to be resigned to smiling and saying “lovely” and that she isn’t really interested in knowing what I truly think or feel

Sounds like a plan. 👍

Perhaps you have high expressed emotion, its not always healthy

Saying something like 'you've worked really hard on this its totally different' is not 'negative emotion' neither is it a lie, neither is it insincere, its smoothing the wheels of interaction

Perhaps you're very wrapped up in your feelings and that everyone needs to know and understand them. Sometimes that is necessary, often it isnt

I agree that with a close friend you can be more honest about disliking their taste in something temporary.

And I agree that saying “ooh, it’s lovely” then talking behind her back is nasty.

But saying “that looks so much smarter” or whatever is still perfectly honest. You didn’t need to say anything more to her face OR behind her back.

There are times when honesty is the best policy but this wasn’t one. You were unkind.

To push this to it’s limits: your partner says to you “your friend/sister/that woman at work is way more attractive than you and I’d definitely have picked her over you if I’d stood a chance”. Honest. Unkind.

Gosh would it have killed your to say it's lovely and leave it at that.
I'm another one who thinks that the people who brag about being direct are often just rude and mean.

There’s a middle ground here.

It’s perfectly possible to be polite, smile and say something’s lovely without then being all gossipy and scathing about it behind people’s back.
Or you could try and think of one point about the decorating (or whatever) you do genuinely like, and focus your comments on that.

i would have just said oh it's so much nicer, it's lovely, I really like the changes. et cetera blah blah blah

Doesn't make you a liar or a gossip!

Yup just be as positive as you feel able - or at the very least neutral and leave it at that. Don't then go bitching behind her back. Just don't mention her decor to anyone else and then you don't need to worry about being two faced.

Isn’t this whole thread bitching behind MiL’s back?

Would it really have killed you to say that's lovely or do you just prefer to upset people ?

I don’t think it’s her inability to hear your direct opinions that is causing the distance between you.

There’s a massive difference between expressing your feelings and opinions about thing that affect you, and slagging off someone’s interior design choices.

When people say "Do you like it?" then they usually want you to reply with "Yes."
A little white lie now and again in agreement is ok, to spare people's feelings. Is it being true to yourself? No. But it doesn't really affect you, but can make someone else very happy.

'What you see is what you get' is akin to 'I just tell it like it is' - usually said by people with no tact.

You sound like my sort of person. I’ve just redone my kitchen with a lot of copper. A friend said to me that she would hate seeing it tarnish and it would drive her crazy wanting to polish it. Her view doesn’t upset me in the slightest- it’s a reflection on her, not on me and my taste. I value her as a friend and it makes me happy that she feels comfortable enough to speak what’s on her mind.

You were rude, but I can see that's just who you are.

I find people who bang on about “what you see is what you get” are actually just rude more often than not.

I totally agree with this too.

Did you actually want people's views OP or just an echo chamber?

Have you ever thought that sometimes your views/emotions/thoughts are not that important to someone else? You dont need to share them all the time. Learn to recognise when and with who they are important.

What a hypocrite you are op. Discussing her decor in a negative manner with others who told you it's cold is literally talking about her behind her back. That which you apparently loathe . What's more you took it to social media to discuss how both
A- tasteless her choices are and
B- how insincere she is for asking your opinion and being upset when you were rude- again behind her back to the widest audience you could find.

You can offer platitudes without lies- it's perfect for you! I can see it's just right for you! You've worked so hard to make it yours! The tiles are beautiful! I bet it's absolutely amazing on a sunny day- Must catch the light beautifully!. All true from what you've said. And you can say all of that WITHOUT then going behind her back to call it shit or discuss how cold or grey it is. Easy. You were both rude and talked behind her back. Worst of both the worlds you present