Honesty or politeness?

[Thistledew]

AIBU to think that exceptional politeness is not actually an admirable personality trait, that it inhibits the making of meaningful connections, and that a reasonable dose of honesty does not amount to rudeness and insensitivity?

MIL is someone who is always polite, helpful and a people pleaser. Well, at least to peoples faces. Behind their backs she is gossipy, scathing and unbending in her negative impressions of people. She finds me rude, because I will speak honestly and have a tendency to bluntness. But what you see is what you get. I have an absolute rule that I never say anything about anyone behind their backs that I would not say to their face.

The latest thing that I have done to upset MIL, whom I have known now for nearly 15 years, was to be less than effusive over her new house. She has bought and recently done a full renovation of a lovely 1930s bungalow, which I have just seen for the first time since she did the work on it. She asked me if I like what she has done. Unfortunately, I don’t. It’s not horrendously objectionable, but I just don’t think it works and actually found it quite an uncomfortable space. It is full of original features such as dado rails and ceiling panels, but she has painted everything pure white (with a pure white bathroom and kitchen too). It made me quite uncomfortable - it was grey and gloomy with the lights off and glaring and clinical with them on.

She asked if I liked it- I said something about it being a lot smarter than when she bought it and it being great that she could decorate it to her taste, but that on a rainy day (which it was that day) pure white decor can be tricky as it will seem a bit grey.

Later, I heard her complain to DH that “it wouldn’t hurt to just be polite” and that I had been rude.

Should I have just smiled and said that it was lovely? It makes me feel uncomfortable to be insincere in that way, but maybe it’s the done thing. I would never actually tell her that I think it’s bad, but I don’t see the point either of pretending that I think something is great when I don’t. Maybe everyone else does and I am just rude as MIL thinks.

People who go on about being real are usually just mean.

Genuinely, why do you say that?

I am just telling it as it is@Thistledew 🤷‍♀️

There’s a world of difference between bitching about others behind their back and giving polite responses.

If someone asks you a question like your MIL, you could have some stock answers prepared for when you don’t quite agree. Something like “it looks much better than before, are you pleased with it?”

Think about it - she’s done the work, your opinion isn’t going to change the outcome. If she asked you before she painted then your honesty is welcome advice. But after the work is done, it’s useless criticism.

What I’m struggling with is the idea that to foster a good relationship with MIL, I need to be kinder to her and not show criticism or frustrations that I might be feeling.

I find it utterly bizarre that you cannot have a ‘meaningful’ relationship with your MIL without seemingly being rude, at times downright cruel I imagine given how you come across on this.
Have you never considered that some things just don’t need to be said? You have a very odd outlook, perhaps before passing comment to someone you should consider ‘what am I hoping to achieve with this comment? Is there a benefit to this comment?’
If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all comes to mind.

Are you planning to have kids OP/ do you?

Are you going to tell them they are actually quite shit at recorder? That their drawing of a dog actually looks more like a dolphin? That they shouldn’t be in the school play because they have a terrible singing voice, all in the name of ‘honesty’ and ‘realness’?

There is very little point in being 'honest' (if that's how you like to describe it) after the fact. At the point at which something has been done - the painting has been completed, the decorator has been paid, the child has been named - and cannot be changed without significant expense or trouble, it's much kinder just to give a polite 'it looks nice and bright' rather than slate their taste and make them feel bad.

I am really uncomfortable with people who are charming and polite to someone’s face, but will slate them to everyone they speak to behind their backs. I genuinely do wonder why the latter is not seen as horribly rude but the former is.

There's an easy solution to not being that sort of person yourself, which is not to slate people behind their backs. If the subject of your MIL's house ever came up when she wasn't there, the most I would say is 'It's not to my taste, but it's very clean and bright and I'm glad she's pleased with it'.

Ah, I see. In my book, being critical just for the sake of it, without any intention to provide constructive feedback is just rude. I guess we all have our tolerance levels for rudeness that are prepared to justify.

I do have children, and they get plenty of praise for their efforts and achievements. But they get honest appraisal too, delivered kindly and appropriately. I find it bizarre that some people don’t feel they can or should speak plainly to their children.

But I can see from the responses here that saying “All white decor can be difficult when the light is low.” was not the mild critique that I thought and I misjudged it.

You are very, very rude, lack any manners at all and are really unpleasant.

Sounds like your entire family is the same.

I’m not going to say it looks clean and bright when it doesn’t.

I agree with this. "I'm blunt" usually means "I'm rude ".

So do you! Funny how people can come across in a post or two.

Why would it have hurt you so much just to smile, nod and say it’s lovely?
Its not your house, you don’t have to put up with her decor choice.

would you tell your best friend or sister that their new baby was ugly? Because sometimes a little white lie is better than being brutally honest.

“thanks for inviting me to dinner. I wouldn’t have come had I known you were such a bad cook” doesn’t really have the same ring to it as “that was a lovely meal. Thank you so much for inviting me”

So do you always speak as you find, or can a little white lie or two make their way into your life? Your seem to be unnecessarily rude and you think that’s a good trait, it’s not.

I think there is a difference between saying “White paint can be tricky in low light” and “You’ve messed this up, it looks awful and unwelcoming”. But I appreciate that other people don’t make this distinction, and that any critique is as bad as overt criticism.

Some are.

I find people who ask questions and then (without telling you) demand that you give them the correct answer otherwise they'll get annoyed with you and probably passive aggressive are actually much ruder.

I may appear defensive, but the feedback on here is genuinely helpful. To me, I do draw a distinction between mild critique and overt criticism. It is helpful to me to understand that some people, MIL included, don’t see any difference between the two.

Are you from a different culture to your MiL?
My aunt and her DiL have similar issues to what you describe, the DiL will answer questions literally and ask for what she wants. All reasonable on the surface until it hits up against my Aunts ways of speaking and asking for things which was far more indirect. Neither understands they are each being polite according to their own upbringing. It's a hard one to manage.

There are times when its necessary t tell the whole blunt truth and there are times when its not

But that's not the distinction.

The distinction in this case is between making the effort to tone down that you think, but still actua give an answer that has value (ie one that is not a lie), or whether you go to a massive effort to work out what the other person is demanding you say to validate them and their choices, and then say it even though it is a lie and you hate lying.

IMHO if you ask for someone's opinion then you want their opinion or you're an idiot!

You actually thought she would redecorate based on your opinion? How arrogant.
When someone asks your opinion on something they've put work into you say it's lovely, end of conversation. The only time you ever say something is wrong with it is if they're going to be hurt later by someone else and you're protecting them from that, say someone's written and performed a terrible song they're going to play at a party to tell a friend they're in love with them. Absolutely intervene, because they'll be hurt if you don't.

You've just upset her for no reason though, it's like shes said as she's leaving the door to a wedding "do I like ok in this dress" and you've said "no it doesn't suit you."

You're nasty to people's faces, she's nasty to people's backs. You don't have to be either, you can just be nice to people and keep negative thoughts to yourself.

Neither does your MIL see that it is an outrageously cheeky thing to do to demand validation from others without even having the decency to be explicit and say "can you please tell me how wonderful my decor choices are? Lie if necessary".

If it makes you uncomfortable to say something you perceive isn't true, then stick to true things only and deflect with other related topics as PPs have suggested. Your first comment was OK, but your MIL will have noticed that you didn't actually say you liked it, or thought it was nice.

It might make you uncomfortable for a fleeting moment, but saying something like "It's lovely!" will not actually kill you, and it's nice to be nice. Trust me, your MIL will find you hard work. My mother is like you and I find her hard work and don't want to spend time with her, even though we are both autistic and struggle with saying stuff that we know isn't so. The difference is I know I am autistic and I know this is an issue and I just have to overcome it the best I can, because saying little white lies to be nice is the grease that society runs on, and without it there is more friction. My mum doesn't and doesn't care what other people think of her. To me, this matters: I don't want people to feel uncomfortable around me, and dread having to have me over to their house. So I am nice and keep my opinions to myself if they aren't what people would want to hear. Sure, it's superficial, but so what?

Being nice is more important imo.

If you have managed to get to adulthood and are just working this out now you’re either ND or your parents truly failed you.

Eithrr way I think it’s the latter because they didn’t teach you manners or social niceties.

Couldn't honesty shall be that you are happy she likes it and want to know more about the interesting paint colour choices? Then compliment any aspect of those choices you agree on. But maybe in a more supportive way?

I think what strikes me here is that you and MIL are very different people who would not choose to be friends if you were not related by marriage. Both the way you are, and the way she is are absolutely fine. You both probably seek out people like yourselves as friends. However you need to get on for the sake of family harmony, so yes I think you should rein in your honesty when you are speaking to her. You will never have the kind on honest connection you want, she is just not that kind of person, but you can avoid hurting her feelings.

Honestly, it just comes across that you enjoy making people feel like shit, have no regard for other peoples feelings and just want to stomp on everyone emotionally under the guise of ‘being blunt.’ I mean, you do you but at least own it.

Just to offer a different slant, what do you do about people who seem to fish for praise. I have a relative who constantly says do you like my - dress, garden, decor, furniture etc etc
im always polite when it’s something they’ve already done or bought but I was in the opticians and they picked some glasses up, di you like these. No I said and they were in a real huff. Was that rude? If they’d have bought them a d been wearing them I’d have told a white lie or said oh they are bright or whatever.