Honesty or politeness?

[Thistledew]

AIBU to think that exceptional politeness is not actually an admirable personality trait, that it inhibits the making of meaningful connections, and that a reasonable dose of honesty does not amount to rudeness and insensitivity?

MIL is someone who is always polite, helpful and a people pleaser. Well, at least to peoples faces. Behind their backs she is gossipy, scathing and unbending in her negative impressions of people. She finds me rude, because I will speak honestly and have a tendency to bluntness. But what you see is what you get. I have an absolute rule that I never say anything about anyone behind their backs that I would not say to their face.

The latest thing that I have done to upset MIL, whom I have known now for nearly 15 years, was to be less than effusive over her new house. She has bought and recently done a full renovation of a lovely 1930s bungalow, which I have just seen for the first time since she did the work on it. She asked me if I like what she has done. Unfortunately, I don’t. It’s not horrendously objectionable, but I just don’t think it works and actually found it quite an uncomfortable space. It is full of original features such as dado rails and ceiling panels, but she has painted everything pure white (with a pure white bathroom and kitchen too). It made me quite uncomfortable - it was grey and gloomy with the lights off and glaring and clinical with them on.

She asked if I liked it- I said something about it being a lot smarter than when she bought it and it being great that she could decorate it to her taste, but that on a rainy day (which it was that day) pure white decor can be tricky as it will seem a bit grey.

Later, I heard her complain to DH that “it wouldn’t hurt to just be polite” and that I had been rude.

Should I have just smiled and said that it was lovely? It makes me feel uncomfortable to be insincere in that way, but maybe it’s the done thing. I would never actually tell her that I think it’s bad, but I don’t see the point either of pretending that I think something is great when I don’t. Maybe everyone else does and I am just rude as MIL thinks.

It's easy. Just point out the positives and leave the negatives. You aren't being dishonest doing that, just polite. If someone likes something why crush it?

Op I noticed you've ducked my comment above- the fact is it is 'your' 'opinion', not an objectively 'true' statement so don't dress it up as 'honesty'. My husband in his job as an Architect and one that is a boss, has to constructively remark on work others have done all of the time both technically and design wise but he will still be polite and as it is work and they are being paid by a client, he has an obligation to do so or the client won't pay them. In a domestic setting, he would definitely not gleefully criticise my families completed decor as he recognises it is personal taste. This came up for us recently as my brother has had an expensive extension done. There are some aspects my DH as an Architect is not keen on design wise but he didn't tell me until afterwards, he also said they spent too much and he wishes they'd followed the advice he offered for free early on as they would have saved money but it is by the by, what does it matter, he wouldn't want to offend them and with the design side he recognises his taste is his and can be 'too' modernist for some. I.e it is his opinion.

Its a flawed question because no one has said that 'any negative comment is rude'

You're still refusing to get it and as someone else said this constant overanalysing and refusal to think outside of your own mind and needs the problem.

Not rtft but...

1. I would never talk or gossip behind someone's back but
2. generally I favour politeness over scrupulous honesty depending on who is asking the question. There's a huge difference between being asked an opinion before someone does something and after. For example, when my mil redecorated her bathroom (with plans to sell in a couple of years) I took her to the tile shop. She asked my opinions on various options and I gave them truthfully. I told her that some more neutral ones were better from a resale perspective and also in my opinion from a taste perspective. She chose some tiles I hated. Then my response was "well they're not to my taste exactly but you're the one living there so if they are your favourite then that's great". After they were fitted my response was "I can see why you liked them. I'm glad you're happy with them". If it was a house she wasn't living in and was going to rent out or sell on immediately I would probably have been more explicit in trying to explain mass appeal (her tastes are more eclectic). Honesty is important. I would try not to lie exactly. But brutal honesty is usually unkind. You can stop speaking before you criticise.

By the same measure, what is considered to be ‘rude’ varies according to culture, the relationship between the people concerned and and the relative status of the people involved.

When I was talking about ‘honesty’ I was referring to being honest about my opinion, not that I was imparting an absolute truth. The premise of your challenge is flawed.

‘I say it like it is’ in other circles is often the hallmark of a bigot.

So as well as not teaching you social niceties, your parents also didn’t teach you how to recognise when you’re wrong and take responsibility for it.

That’s a very important part of life. Instead, when told you’re wrong, you instead double down and come up with excuses of X, Y and Z of exactly why you can’t be wrong (when you are).

Is that where all the ‘no filter, say it how it is’ types are? 😂

My parents got a 'statement' lampshade. My husband was very effusive about it and on the way home told me he didn't think it worked in their room and he wouldn't have picked it.

My MiL has the polar opposite style to me, I still say 'oh I love how you've brought together yellow, orange and purple all in one room' and she'll say to me 'you're very good at Scandinavian design'

I'm sure we both know what the other think but this is the polite way round!

The premise of your challenge is flawed
Beginning to sound like an episode of Judge Rinder now.

Yes very combative. OP feels like a piss taker who isnt actually genuine, doesnt want to hear advice at all.

You’ve used your words! How lovely.

(See, I’m trying to learn)

So if you say to me ‘do you like this dress I’m wearing?’ and I said ‘dear God, you look like a burst couch in that!’ you would value my honesty?

You know it's the done thing

Like the difference between saying “All-white decor is tricky in low light conditions” and “Your house feels like a cell”, I’d prefer to hear you say “I don’t think that cut is the most flattering of your dresses”. But yes, I’d prefer to hear that than to go out in a dress that makes me look ridiculous.

But there again, if I asked you what you thought of the dress it would be because I actually valued and was interested in your opinion.

Well I disagree, you have misunderstood my 'premise', this actually proves my point about opinion as they vary so is there a point in declaring one that is hurtful if it is unnecessary? By describing it as your 'honest' opinion you are attributing it with a greater value, like some how you are being more virtuous but in reality telling white lies is probably more appropriate in the example you gave and an extension of this theory is how it is necessary to do so in society to live harmoniously.

I don't trust anyone who is ultra nice and ultra polite all the time! They are usually like this to your face and then spiteful and scathing behind your back! At least with blunt people you know where you stand.

As a general pattern, honest feedback when it can be acted on and pick out the nice bits otherwise. Telling someone the dress isn't quite working when you know they have time to change and a dress to change into is fine, telling them as they get to a fancy event where they have no options to change and will be able to do nothing about it is just a way to ruin their evening. If in doubt, ask.

Sounds like your mother in law doesn't want straight feedback so don't give it - you can still honestly say how crisp it looks or even go as far as to say that obviously she knows you generally prefer darker colours in your own home but you're really pleased she has got it to her taste then compliment a specific element you do like. The kitchen feels like an operating theatre? It's got such a clean finish! If in doubt, ask.

You can also subtly call her out on her bitchiness by steering the conversation to nice things about the person. E.g. 'Jenny's hair looks like it was done by a 5 year old with novelty scissors and full access to the Hobbycraft paint range' doesn't need to descend into a bitch fest, you can respond with something nice and honest like 'granted the colour is vibrant but I think it really suits her colouring.'

Basically it's not an either or situation. You can be honest and nice - just don't say the honest things that aren't nice out loud unless you are 100% certain someone wants to hear them.

There's a huge middle ground though between being 'ultra nice and polite all the time' and being blunt and brutally honest all the time.
You can adapt depending on who you are speaking to, and the situation. Adults should be able to gauge whether what they say might be hurtful or cause bad feeling that will continue. It's not that difficult.

eh ?