Do you insist your kids sit “properly” at the dinner table?

[SirMoose]

Please help with this massive parenting disagreement between me and my husband!

yabu: no excuses, children should always be sat nicely with chair tucked in, legs dangling down and not up on the chair.

yanbu: it doesn’t really matter at home if they slouch or have a leg bent up.

I’d feel ganged up on/picked on from two directions for something I didn’t know how to control if I was that little girl.
Can she and DH get together and fix a special chair? That takes her preferences into account. The IKEA wooden step stool would give her a footrest and no back to slouch against. Or the TrippTrapp chair which goes up to adulthood. A DIY doughnut cushion in her favourite colour and pattern.

Her fidgeting and coordination difficulties sound like a behavioral problem that you can’t bully her out of.

I was bought up to sit properly at the table for all meals. I remember feeling really grown up and special, the first time I was allowed to have a meal on my lap! Things like snacks after school were okay, but for "meals", it was sat up at the table. As babies, the highchairs were always "at the table".
My DH also had very similar rules growing up, so that's what we do with our kids. Our DD has also just taken it upon herself to ask "can I leave the table?" when she's finished. Which isn't something we've ever insisted on, so she must have seen it somewhere else. It's quite nice though.

Her fidgeting and coordination difficulties sound like a behavioral problem that you can’t bully her out of.

Indeed and if she is reduced to tears then this is bullying.

yanbu: it doesn’t really matter at home if they slouch or have a leg bent up.

'This is an ongoing argument EVERY time we sit down to eat. To the point she’s in tears, me and my husband are arguing about it.'

It sounds like a horrific environment for your DD. Throwing her dinner in the bin sounds like she's suffering immense and harmful stress. I can see why you are so concerned.

Have you looked into family therapy?

That's great that you're trying to break the cycle of poor parenting that you received. Is your husband at all receptive to trying the same? The book How to Talk so Kids will listen is a great start and Janet Lansbury's website/podcasts/books are fantastic.

Around food, have you heard of the division of responsibility approach? Really helpful for raising competent happy eaters with no food issues.

You are the kind of parent who keeps therapists in a job when your children are grown. But I hope you are talking from the experience of not having kids. You sound like super nanny.

I expect good manners yes, but I wouldn't cause an argument about it.

my husband is a nightmare and he starts shouting at the dinner table wheh they arnt sitting oerfect - it's unbearable really

Reading your posts OP, your daughter sounds so like mine! We also suspect ASD and/or ADHD (I’m confirmed autistic). I find it a massive effort to sit properly myself - I always need my feet up/under me/crossed. I make an effort when out in public as does my daughter (she knows to sit ‘properly’ when in restaurants even if she’s a bit fidgety) but at home, as long as she’s sitting safely and facing the table with her plate in front of her, I can’t get worked up about it. If you can’t be relaxed and be yourself in your own home, where can you??

Yep my 6yr old does this no matter how many times we tell her! I'm relaxing a bit at home as she knows when eating out she has to sit properly which she does. She blames the (fake) leather seat cushions saying she slides off so we might buy new ones.