Do you insist your kids sit “properly” at the dinner table?

[SirMoose]

Please help with this massive parenting disagreement between me and my husband!

yabu: no excuses, children should always be sat nicely with chair tucked in, legs dangling down and not up on the chair.

yanbu: it doesn’t really matter at home if they slouch or have a leg bent up.

Does she sit properly in the car?

She has to be asked quite often to sit properly in the car too. On the sofa she’s upside down or slouched down with legs open in a v shape. She always hanging off the end of things. The bed, the sofa for example it drives me nuts.

Because she is defending her child, who is being made to cry every time her dad is home because she’s not good at sitting still at a table. Dad is only home 2 nights a week and makes his child cry both of those nights over something that the child can’t help. That’s shitty. OP does all the actual parenting and is looking out for her DD, good for her for advocating for her child who is struggling to defend herself.

I do think you need to agree what is and isn’t acceptable between the 3 of you. Being ok to loll, drop food, put leg up 5 days and be shouted at for it 2 days isn’t fair on her.

This is what I’m trying to do with him but he’s so stubborn about it. I think a good compromise is she sits on her chair and eats over her plate but if she fidgets that’s ok. He’s being very rigid with it though and meal times are just sad, anxiety ridden affairs now when he’s home.

Hi op, I know you've said your dd has not been diagnosed with anything, but are there any other aspects with how she sits/stands that seem out of the ordinary? Is it just sitting on a dining chair, or could it be the same for the sofa, floor or in the car?
Have you thought about either a wobble cushion, it has bobbles on either side of different intensities. It could be that she's seeking/avoiding the sensory aspect of sitting still. It would be an idea to mention to school and see if they have the same issues.

If she doesn't like the cushion, you could perhaps try a normal cushion or even a cut out circle that she needs to sit on for a short period of time. Building the time up of seating as you go.

It is really difficult when both parents have different ideas, I get that it's frustrating if food/drink is being spilt, but if your child is physically unable to sit correctly, then it's going to end in arguments and upset for both parties. Personally, if she's messy eater, put a mat on the floor, maybe get a timer and set it 2/3 mins at a time, then she can have a wander, maybe a fidget toy/weighted blanket, to help her focus on eating. Good luck

"I have no idea what she’s like at school."

You need to be more proactive. Ask, them keeping an eye on her isn't good enough. You need to find out what's going on with her. Start to list everything. Talk to whoever you need to. Tell your DH that you are going to do this. Then start to form plans.

I'm in agreement with this.

My eldest (now 24) refers to his childhood mealtimes as "dinner table bootcamp" 😂. But, it was important for us that the DCs could eat in any company, and in any setting.
I did occasionally think DH was being a bit hardcore when they were young - but it's definitely paid off, and I can see that their table manners are spot on.
My younger two are 15 and 13, and I know they can dine out in any company and hold their own.

In public/at relatives houses yes...at home no. DS1 is very sensory seeking and you can tell he finds it hard to sit still. Plus, I can't really talk, I have dyspraxia and like to tuck one leg underneath me (at home only!)

You are right @SirMoose . I would think of it like this. Every mealtime ends in tears for her but she STILL cant sit still. Because she CANT. You say you query ASD or ADHD. Can i suggest Occupational Therapist with Sensory Integration training? My Autistic little one was always upside down on couch watching TV, could never sit for dinner-literally ate bits and walked and ate more. OT has helped him hugely. Tonight at dinner he only once ( in about 20 mins at the table) stood up.
Good luck. Keep feircely protecting your daughter. We need strong mums when we are a bit quirky/ ND.

I’m going to try something to put her feet up on and see if that helps. I like having my feet up too!

Aslong as she's on the chair and eating who cares children should feel comfortable and beable to relax in their home!!!

We don’t even have a dining table (small flat, DS sits on the floor with his food on the coffee table, we eat on our laps on the sofa). He manages to sit nicely in restaurants, at DM’s house, and at school with no issues.

So I don’t think it particularly matters if they sit nicely 100% of the time as long as they can do it when needed.

I see his POV but it sounds like she is lagging on co-ordination or maybe has ADHD as you say. Get it checked out.

I think rather than adding to the tension, you need to help him understand this, and also acknowledge his POV - it might not bother you, but an older child shifting around on her chair, eating messily and occasionally falling off would be nails down a blackboard to some people, clearly including him. It isn’t attractive by that age TBH.

Get her assessed, but whether it’s just slightly slow development in this area or something specific, agree with him you will work on it at a page she can manage - with a goal that she’s sitting properly by 10 or 11.

So if she needs to have her legs tucked up to be steady, let her do that for now, but work on her eating over her plate so she gets less messy over 6 months. Then work on how she uses her cutlery and so on.

He needs to be more understanding and stop loosing his temper. You need to be more understanding of him. Your daughter needs a pace she can work at, and possibly some good old fashioned bribery.

It sounds very stressful. Does he think there’s something underlying it or just viewing her as naughty/silly.

Honestly, OP’s reluctance to engage with possible solutions or ways forward is coming across as a bit odd to me. I was initially commenting in good faith and trying to be helpful, but it seems like she just wants us to say:

• She’s right.
• Her husband is wrong.
• It’s fine if her daughter sits however she wants. Nothing further need be done.

She’s not interested in any other responses. Which also makes me question how reliable a narrator she is. I now suspect her husband would describe this situation differently.

This also struck me as quite odd and offhand: "I have no idea what she’s like at school."

Also, from her thread from her comments here and her thread last night, OP has a serious eating disorder. That might be impacting on this quite a lot.

I do completely understand where he’s coming from a d why he struggles with it but I’m not ok with the way he’s going about it. I don’t think he thinks there’s anything underlying he just thinks I baby her too much.

For DS (3) it's bottom on chair, facing the right way no laying about all over the place.
If he had one foot tucked up I couldn't get het up about it, if he was otherwise sat nicely and not messing about with his food.
He has a children's chair though, bit like a triptrapp so his feet are supported, so we don't get much fidgeting. Although today he put his head on the table (very tired long weekend), and I asked him to sit up nicely and if he was finished to take his plate to the kitchen which he did.
At 8 I'd expect them to know how to use cutlery properly and to be able to sit for gentry minutes or so for a family meal, but you meantime possible additional needs, so that changes things.

Getting angry about something so unimportant sounds horrible for your daughter.

I didn’t care what my children did at home having dinner - they could get up walk around - sit whatever way - as long as they weren’t really rude!!

They have learned what is an acceptable way to behave in public - in a restaurant etc. They understand about being considerate of other people.

i don’t get what the point is in making meal times at home so formal?

Omg I missed a few of your comments. I didn’t realise I was OBLIGED to reply to you, are you the thread queen?

Ive already said I’m going to try some solutions on this thread.

Also I do t think it’s unusual to not know how my child sits in her chair at school. I’m sure if there was a problem her teacher would flag it to me.

Tbh I'm a teacher, I've had children in my class who were unable to sit still, rock or kneel. If this was a one off I wouldn't say anything to the parents, but if I felt the child needed an intervention to make them feel more comfortable, I definitely would have a chat.

Sounds like she is sensory seeking due to neurodiversity. Is she very bendy too? Can you ask for a referral to an occupational therapist?

If she has ASD or ADHD he is being an abusive bastard to a disabled kid who can't sit properly due to her disabilities. Autism and dyspraxia are linked, and hypermobility syndrome. My hypermobile kid used to flow off the chair like liquid.

It is likely that her proprioception is very poor. She is getting poor feedback from her joints and does not know where her body is in space. Vestibular system may be fucked too and balance is crap. This often happens with autism.

Try a wobble cushion might give her body signals of where it is and what it is doing.

Also something under her feet.

You can get special cutlery to help her eat, weighted plates, mats that stop plates slipping about.

You parent the kid you've got not the one you wish you had.

You’re not obliged to do anything, as I’ve said above. Again, I find your comment odd.

And, while it’s not unusual not to know how your child sits at school, if sitting at home is such a massive issue, surely it would occur to you to ask? Ask her and/or her teacher? Find out if it’s a problem there, as well? The fact that you seem in uninterested in this is what I mean re being oddly offhand.

School chairs are made for the size the kids are so she is more likely to sit better on the correctly sized chair.