Do you insist your kids sit “properly” at the dinner table?

[SirMoose]

Please help with this massive parenting disagreement between me and my husband!

yabu: no excuses, children should always be sat nicely with chair tucked in, legs dangling down and not up on the chair.

yanbu: it doesn’t really matter at home if they slouch or have a leg bent up.

My DB is 7 years younger than me. I always sat at the table - reasonable manners from copying DM. DB chomps and slurps -awful!! But by the time he came along DPs ate in front of tele.

be prepared for noisy eaters - you can’t hear the slurping above the tele.

Definitely no noisy eating tolerated. I’m pretty sure I have misophonia. The sound of people eating can fill me with such rage I need to leave the house.

I’m not clear on what she’s actually doing- in one post you say making a mess, falling off the chair etc and in another it’s just having a leg up. If she’s falling off the chair a lot then it’s a safety issue, not just manners.

But really this isn’t about that but the fact both you and your husband are failing to compromise or parent appropriately. It’s really not about who is right and wrong regarding sitting at the table, but that you haven’t been able to find any sort of compromise or agreed way of approaching it. Two adults should not be screaming and swearing at each other over this sort of thing.

Can you not agree that you’d like her to sit properly but that the current approach isn’t working, and think together about what might work better. A stool is a really good idea to put her feet on. And take steps in the right direction- if she manages to sit well for a few minutes, praise her for that.

I suspect the issue is less about whether an average eight year old can sit still at a table and use cutlery - they can. Many children as young as five sit quietly through an hours church service or at a younger age through library story time quite regularly.
The issue is your disagreement and a child being able to manipulate the situation to allow them the upper hand. Why would they cry if being asked to sit properly? That’s playing emotional games and is being supported and encouraged. You need to both be adults, decide on what the rules are and stick to them together otherwise manipulative behaviours will increase and the poor child will end up thinking they get to control family life, with disastrous consequences.

How were you and your husband treated as children?

Were they strict?

She’s not manipulative at all she’s stressed. When it’s just us she’s fine. Meal times are enjoyable. I still pull her up on sitting nicely but I ask her nicely and I don’t tell her off.

We both had very strict, loveless, joyless upbringings. The only difference is I’m trying to not make the same mistakes with my kids whereas he seems to be wanting to repeat the cycle.

Yes to a wobble cushion. DS1 (ASD and incapable of sitting still…Ed Psych said it was sensory feedback seeking) sits beautifully with a wobble cushion.

I suppose you've mentioned it to him before in a nice way.

Would he be open to a parenting class or reading a parenting book?

I know a lot of men aren't really open to that type of thing even though they would benefit.

We all get the cards we have been dealt. Thankfully there is a lot of information and awareness out there to learn and make changes.

My 2 year old must sit on her bum, this is mainly as she falls off otherwise. I will remind her about 3-5 times a meal though. When she is finsihed she runs off to play. I do not make her wait for everyone to finish. It's not important to me and a fight I dont want daily. She will then return for a yogurt if she wants one or not if she doesnt. I expect as she gets older and understands manners this may change but I'll see how we go. It was feally importnant to me meal times are not an unnecessary battle

As a short person I find sitting on most dining chairs incredibly uncomfortable because to have my feet flat on the floor requires me to have my upper legs slanting down off the edge of the chair which then puts pressure on my hips and lower back.

Obviously I can manage it because I'm a grown up but I can totally relate to children who find it uncomfortable.

We insist that they don't rock on their chairs, face forward, use cutlery etc but I'm not bothered if they sit half on, half off like your daughter. That seems to be more comfortable for them and having just tested out that position (I'm currently sat eating my breakfast) I can sort of understand it.

Why make every meal time a battle? For us, family meal time is about catching up with each other about our day and sharing a meal.

Both my children behave impeccably at restaurants because they, like most children, are capable of understanding that we have different rules for different places.

My youngest never sat properly at a table. Always one leg down, looking like he was prepared to do a runner at any moment!

I never made a fuss, as long as he wasn't too jiggly and knocking things over.

He is autistic and has ADHD, the inattentive type, so although not hyperactive can be quite fidgety.

I'm autistic too (diagnosed as an adult) and much fuss was made of my table manners growing up (mainly my awkward way of holding cutlery) so I didn't want my kids to get upset, so as long as they eat nicely I'm not too fussed on how they sit or hold cutlery.

My youngest is 15 now and sits on a chair perfectly fine now, he's not some slobbish layabout because I didn't constantly correct him as a youngster.

@SirMoose any hyperactivity element? My friend has a son with probably ADHD and he has a kind of small wobble cushion he sits on. I'm similar in temperament and use it when I go over. I'm a real fidgeter and it helps! It'ds like a jelly pad with little raised bumps on it.

I insist on bums on seats, facing forwards and using cutlery rather than fingers 90% of the time. Occasionally we'll have tea in front of the TV or if they're having friends over I'm more relaxed. Kids need parents to teach them how to behave nicely. If your 8 yo is NT then no reason why she can't sit properly for half an hour.

OP you can have standards that you uphold AND have love and joy, they are not mutually exclusive. I aim for ‘warm strict’ style of parenting and it seemed to work as both DDs now 22 and 18 and no issues.

I would get a chair with a foot rest built in. She needs to sit with feet flat and knees at right angles. Trip trap are an expensive brand but look second hand. Or there are cheaper versions. Get your husband to agree not to mention the problem until you have a chair that she can sit comfortably on. Explain to your daughter that you're getting her a better chair.
If she still can't sit still even on an appropriate chair, then you need to agree a consistent approach with your husband. Personally as long as your daughter is making some effort to sit nicely and isn't being deliberately disruptive i'd stick with making no more than two table manners comments per mealtime. Otherwise it just becomes tedious for all concerned. Your daughter learns mainly from watching you and your husband. Not from being told. Sitting nicely will come as she gets older if that's what she sees around her. As you're the parent doing most of the mealtimes then the approach needs to be one you're happy with, primarily.

YABU - I’m with your husband on this. Being able to sit at a table and eat food is basic manners. She’s 8 not 3. An 8 year old should be able to sit properly and not make a mess with food and dropping cutlery on the floor!

So you get to make judgements from posts on other threads, but others have to ignore what you’ve posted?

How very bizarre.

Are there HONESTLY people out there who give a shit that a child is half on and half off a chair? Why is that bothering you? Why would that bother other people in public?

Bizarre thing to even see as something to "solve".

yes it does bother me. I expect them to sit nicely, not slouch, use cutlery and to use basic manners. It would also bother me in public there's no reason to have bad manners

If it would bother you in public to see a stranger sitting half on and half off a chair then you seriously need to get a life.

Running amok, screaming and making things uncomfortable for other people, I understand. But sitting in a way that doesn't affect anyone else? Sorry but if that bothers you that's batshit.

If she can't do it, she can't do it. All children are different. And really in the global scheme of thigs does it really matter?

She's at home which is where people are supposed to relax. Now that it has become an issue she is going to be acutely conscious of this habit and, as you say, it is causing tears and miserable mealtimes. Habits do not go away in an instant and certainly not by drawing attention to them.

Perhaps a bit of humour might have been a better approach - heavens, you are a fidget pants!! - but it has now gone past that.

Just ignore it for a while. Your OH is using it as a means of control without looking at the bigger picture. Hearing this gives me the creeps - what parent values sitting straight at the table above the joy of family mealtimes?

If he will not cooperate then you and your DD need to eat somewhere else and leave him to his obsessional behaviour. Heaven knows how he will cope when she is a teenager and wanting to escape from parental control. He is being completely ridiculous.

@SirMoose when this happens in schools it’s usually thought of as being either a sensory thing; in which case a wobble cushion usually helps massively so I second that suggestion too. (Also, is it an adult chair she’s sitting on? She might like to be higher?)

Or as a core strength issue (eg are her core muscles strong enough to hold her up for a prolonged sitting session?) You’d be surprised for how many children it’s the latter! You’ve already said she’s smaller than average for her age, could she increase the amount of fun active hobbies she has (sports clubs, climbing walls, roller skating, etc)? You know her best though to consider whether it could be this.

And please do not forget the size of a chair relative to a child - would you feel comfortable on a huge chair?

Make sure that she is sitting comfortably enough. Maybe even get her a little table to sit at. I would insist that she sits properly. My two and four-year-old both do although my two year old can get distracted sometimes!