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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you insist your kids sit “properly” at the dinner table?

208 replies

SirMoose · 30/10/2022 21:29

Please help with this massive parenting disagreement between me and my husband!

yabu: no excuses, children should always be sat nicely with chair tucked in, legs dangling down and not up on the chair.

yanbu: it doesn’t really matter at home if they slouch or have a leg bent up.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 30/10/2022 23:14

SirMoose · 30/10/2022 23:08

Ending up in tears every dinner time will absolutely create food issues.

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And Daddy issues by the sound of it.

Is your DH not open to a calm discussion about it? It sounds like he needs to drill down into why this is such a problem.

Does she clean up after herself? That would be my first step, natural consequences. If she can't sit and food is all over the floor then she'll need to sweep/Hoover it up. No shame or anger, but just an obvious consequence.

BattenburgDonkey · 30/10/2022 23:15

Intru · 30/10/2022 23:10

What a deeply unpleasant thing to write.

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No it isn’t, that posters post was, implying the child is playing her parents off against each other because she might not be neurotypical. Not all people are capable of sitting still at a table, that’s just human life, it’s not terrible behaviour.

FlibbertyGiblets · 30/10/2022 23:16

Ok. I would be thinking about talking to the school nurse and or GP, whichever is the route you need to take locally. Why? You are describing to me something that sounds like it could be dyspraxia, or indeed ADHD. The process to diagnosis can be a long old road, I would set out on it sooner rather than later.

Original poster
SirMoose · 30/10/2022 23:16

It could have been a calm discussion but I wasnt calm I was pissed off so it ended up an argument.

OP posts:
Salsagev · 30/10/2022 23:16

I’m 32 and rarely sit properly in a chair. I will if at a formal meal, but at home or informal venues I’ll kneel on my chair or have one knee up. I find sitting on my bum extremely uncomfortable and always end up slouching.

I’m also an adult who is successful in a professional environment and positively contributes to society, so I’d suggest picking your battles.

RishisProudMum · 30/10/2022 23:18

Multiple people have asked multiple times now if you’ve asked her what the issue is. You’ve ignored us. You’re not under any obligation to answer our questions, but it’s a really odd one to avoid. Particularly as the answer is pretty key to sorting this out!

Intru · 30/10/2022 23:19

SirMoose · 30/10/2022 23:16

It could have been a calm discussion but I wasnt calm I was pissed off so it ended up an argument.

Again, though, why do you think that your view gets to take preference?

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 30/10/2022 23:19

“Tonight I was upstairs while she was eating as I was sorting the baby out and she got so stressed with my husband telling her off that she threw her dinner in the bin and went to bed.”

That’s not a normal response to the situation you’ve described. There must be something else going on. Is she stressed or anxious about school or anything else?
Is she jealous of the baby? You are elsewhere with the baby, she acts up to her dad knowing that you will come to her defence?

Intru · 30/10/2022 23:20

RishisProudMum · 30/10/2022 23:18

Multiple people have asked multiple times now if you’ve asked her what the issue is. You’ve ignored us. You’re not under any obligation to answer our questions, but it’s a really odd one to avoid. Particularly as the answer is pretty key to sorting this out!

I think that it’s pretty clear that how their child sits is not the issue at all, this is about someone angry at her husband not acquiescing to what she wants, and having the temerity to continue to disagree.

Summerfun54321 · 30/10/2022 23:21

He sounds like he’s bullying her over it if she’s ending up in tears every meal time.

BattenburgDonkey · 30/10/2022 23:21

Intru · 30/10/2022 23:19

Again, though, why do you think that your view gets to take preference?

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It’s caused another huge argument with my husband tonight and I’ve told him to leave her the fuck alone and if he hates it so much he can go and eat int he garden and leave us in peace. I’m so fed up with her in tears every time he’s home.

Presumably because she’s putting their child first, and her DH isn’t, instead when he’s home he’s causing everyone to be upset and anxious.

Original poster
SirMoose · 30/10/2022 23:21

RishisProudMum · 30/10/2022 23:18

Multiple people have asked multiple times now if you’ve asked her what the issue is. You’ve ignored us. You’re not under any obligation to answer our questions, but it’s a really odd one to avoid. Particularly as the answer is pretty key to sorting this out!

She doesn’t know

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 30/10/2022 23:22

Eight isn't small.
It's not big either. I'm 61 and my feet don't touch the ground on some upright chairs.

Original poster
SirMoose · 30/10/2022 23:23

ErrolTheDragon · 30/10/2022 23:22

Eight isn't small.
It's not big either. I'm 61 and my feet don't touch the ground on some upright chairs.

Plus she’s quite a small 8 year old. Still in age 6 clothes.

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 30/10/2022 23:25

The focus should be on how you parent over something you disagree over. To avoid stress you need to agree on the rule and approach together in advance and not fight it out in the moment. Also your DH needs to learn how to parent constructively with rules, rewards and consequences not just badgering and belittling.

ErrolTheDragon · 30/10/2022 23:25

I think that it’s pretty clear that how their child sits is not the issue at all,
....it's about someone sticking up for their child when the other parent is bullying them about something that really isn't terribly important.

RishisProudMum · 30/10/2022 23:26

SirMoose · 30/10/2022 23:21

She doesn’t know

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What’s the conversation been? What have you asked her? As going ‘why can’t you sit down’ and actually running through possible options and solutions with her are two different things. Have you done the latter? E.g. are her legs uncomfortable? If so, a stool or the exercise band trick someone suggested upthread would work. Is her chair too low? If so, there are solutions to that. Is her bum uncomfortable? And so on, and so forth.

Have you had this conversation/series of conversations? As, forgive me, but it’s not coming across like you have.

Intru · 30/10/2022 23:27

BattenburgDonkey · 30/10/2022 23:21

It’s caused another huge argument with my husband tonight and I’ve told him to leave her the fuck alone and if he hates it so much he can go and eat int he garden and leave us in peace. I’m so fed up with her in tears every time he’s home.

Presumably because she’s putting their child first, and her DH isn’t, instead when he’s home he’s causing everyone to be upset and anxious.

Show quote history

That’a not true at all. From what’s been written they disagree about what’s best, but the OP becomes abusive when she doesn’t get her own way.

Original poster
SirMoose · 30/10/2022 23:27

RishisProudMum · 30/10/2022 23:26

What’s the conversation been? What have you asked her? As going ‘why can’t you sit down’ and actually running through possible options and solutions with her are two different things. Have you done the latter? E.g. are her legs uncomfortable? If so, a stool or the exercise band trick someone suggested upthread would work. Is her chair too low? If so, there are solutions to that. Is her bum uncomfortable? And so on, and so forth.

Have you had this conversation/series of conversations? As, forgive me, but it’s not coming across like you have.

Show quote history

Of course we have!!

You honestly think we’re arguing and she is being shouted at without us even asking why she won’t sit properly?

OP posts:
Intru · 30/10/2022 23:27

ErrolTheDragon · 30/10/2022 23:25

I think that it’s pretty clear that how their child sits is not the issue at all,
....it's about someone sticking up for their child when the other parent is bullying them about something that really isn't terribly important.

Don’t be ridiculous.

BattenburgDonkey · 30/10/2022 23:28

Intru · 30/10/2022 23:27

That’a not true at all. From what’s been written they disagree about what’s best, but the OP becomes abusive when she doesn’t get her own way.

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She’s not making the child cry is she, her DH is, that makes him the abusive one if anyone.

Original poster
SirMoose · 30/10/2022 23:29

Intru · 30/10/2022 23:27

That’a not true at all. From what’s been written they disagree about what’s best, but the OP becomes abusive when she doesn’t get her own way.

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Abusive 🤣

Why does it have to be my husbands way? Because that’s your implying. I should just roll over and let him have the final say because he’s a man? He’s only home 2 nights a week so actually it should be down to me, as I’m the one doing the bulk of the parenting at meal times.

OP posts:
Intru · 30/10/2022 23:30

SirMoose · 30/10/2022 23:29

Abusive 🤣

Why does it have to be my husbands way? Because that’s your implying. I should just roll over and let him have the final say because he’s a man? He’s only home 2 nights a week so actually it should be down to me, as I’m the one doing the bulk of the parenting at meal times.

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No, you’re making things up now. I’m not implying that his way should win, I am asking why you think that yours should.

And yes, you’ve said that you were verbally abusive to him.

Intru · 30/10/2022 23:31

BattenburgDonkey · 30/10/2022 23:28

She’s not making the child cry is she, her DH is, that makes him the abusive one if anyone.

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It’s not coming across that way to me. The OP’s the one swearing about it and losing her shit.

RishisProudMum · 30/10/2022 23:31

SirMoose · 30/10/2022 23:27

Of course we have!!

You honestly think we’re arguing and she is being shouted at without us even asking why she won’t sit properly?

Show quote history

As I asked you over 100 comments ago and had to ask four times before you responded (in addition to other people asking and being ignored), no it did not sound like you’d asked your daughter. If you have, that’s great.

So, I assume you’re saying you took the latter approach? And, what, her responses to each of the proposed issues and solutions was ‘I don’t know’? Did you then try any of said solutions? It’s not clear what’s actually happened/happening, here.