Do you insist your kids sit “properly” at the dinner table?

[SirMoose]

Please help with this massive parenting disagreement between me and my husband!

yabu: no excuses, children should always be sat nicely with chair tucked in, legs dangling down and not up on the chair.

yanbu: it doesn’t really matter at home if they slouch or have a leg bent up.

We do, but it's not a bone of contention. We have other issues with one of ours that i don't like but are really stressful for us and her to sort and I can see it's really hard for her so I let some things go even though the behaviour is not as I'd like. We pick our battles.

I have always struggled with misophonia - I hate other people's chewing sounds. I am better if we don't sit in silence eating but there is conversation and movement.

My DS1 always knelt on his chair. He’s 6’3 now so has to sit properly.

My thing was no silly games at the table. No aeroplane in to the tunnel eating games. No toys on the high chair when they were tiny. Now they’re older it’s no mobile phones.

Is there anything else going on? Only mention as my husband and I both have adhd. Our daughter struggles to sit still ever. At home we are very relaxed with meals as she is also very picky with eating and has a small appetite preferring to graze. She does sit nicely at a table at restaurants so I don't think its a big deal at home.

You can also explain that what's acceptable at home may not be elsewhere! mine both get this and I will say in posher places what we need to do.

Or lunch with friends etc

Home should be a safe place where they can relax!

We are not in the Victorian era.

@ButterflyBiscuit

I'm a talker but DH isn't so we have music on at table meals or have TV dinners.
Out, conversation seems to flow more!

I could have gone down " rude little madam route" or think why she struggled and accommodate it.

It's home... not boot camp.

Mine are 12 and 16 and sit properly at the table. Doubt they did without reminding when younger tbh

My asd son can't physically sit still. Even as a toddler would always perch on the edge. One leg needed to be on the ground. As growing up there was always arguments and pressure to sit at the table. I was taught proper Sunday lunches with table settings so I expected this of my own.

I realised after many battles. Including Disney Paris where he ate most meals under the table it's not as important as people make out. Yes he does know restaurant manners and will try and hold it all in to be "good"

My now ex his dad still doesn't understand its better he eats and doesn't get to a stage where he is upset over food. Then forcing to sit at a table.

They could sit properly, they are choosing not to.

Have you asked them what’s behind their refusal?

I've always sat with one leg dangling and one leg under my bottom...I'm small and always feel like my chin is almost on the table otherwise.

My 8 year old does this at times. She used to do it a lot when younger but now mostly sits. I used to tell her to sit properly but mainly as she was always dropping food on the floor so telling her to sit properly and eat over her plate. I didn’t do it all the time though and wouldn’t let if send us to tears. She still drops food all over the floor when sitting properly!

I would talk to her about it. Maybe it is uncomfortable for her then you can do something about it or let it be. My dd sits properly more often now and can sit properly when in a restaurant or at school so maybe it’s just an issue of comfort.

I’d prefer them to eat rather than sit properly…my younger daughter would only eat while walking around and now sits perfectly on her chair at the table…they’ll change.

I just don’t see the problem with her sitting how she wants at home, providing she’s not swinging on the chair or slouching so far down she basically lying down.

It’s caused another huge argument with my husband tonight and I’ve told him to leave her the fuck alone and if he hates it so much he can go and eat int he garden and leave us in peace. I’m so fed up with her in tears every time he’s home.

Yes I think she has adhd / asd. Nothing diagnosed yet but school are keeping an eye on her.

She needs to learn to sit properly at the table. It isn't difficult. She is pitting you against your husband. Lose this battle and you will lose many more.

Ask her until what age she intends carrying on behaving like this? Nine? Adult? Same age as you?
Remind her how silly she will look if she still does this when she is grown up. Time for her to stop being a baby.

This is my husbands gripe. She does make a lot of mess because she doesn’t eat over her plate and has fallen off the chair a few times and is always dropping cutlery on the floor.

I also believe my husband had a terribly strict upbringing and is trying to break the mould but some things he gets anxious about himself. Food is defiantly issue for both of us but I’m trying really hard not to make it an issue for our kids.

It is not a food issue. It is manners at the table.

Why would your opinion take precedence over his though?

You say that there’s a way of sitting that you’d find unacceptable too, so why are you angry that his line is at a slightly different place to yours?

Ending up in tears every dinner time will absolutely create food issues.

Hopefully you don’t have small children of your own.

It sounds as though he has a good point then if she can’t even manage to feed herself without dropping the food everywhere.

Would a compromise be giving her a bib?

Just to ask...

I fully understand trying to be polite and learn social norms when out in public. Or atleast not being some of the entitled shits that are often talked about on here.

But in your own home where kids should feel comfortable is it such a bit deal. Surely it's better for a child to be able to say. " mum can I eat my tea as I'm playing xbox" rather than come to the table.

Even NT children at some point just want to not have to sit though a family meal every night.

Ps this is not directed at the OP. Just some of the posters thinking the world will fall apart if they all don't sit at the table with legs under and no elbows on the table etc.

What a deeply unpleasant thing to write.

Because it’s more important to me that she eats. I’m happy for her to sit at the table with one leg tucked underneath her. It’s not silver service she’s at home!

Tonight I was upstairs while she was eating as I was sorting the baby out and she got so stressed with my husband telling her off that she threw her dinner in the bin and went to bed.

Eight isn't small.

My comment still stands. Your approach is horrible.

No. As long as it's not ridiculous. One of mine always used to sit half on the chair with a leg tucked under. We later realised it's a sensory thing as they're autistic. Could you try a wobble cushion or resistance band around the chair legs to see if that helps?