Do you insist your kids sit “properly” at the dinner table?

[SirMoose]

Please help with this massive parenting disagreement between me and my husband!

yabu: no excuses, children should always be sat nicely with chair tucked in, legs dangling down and not up on the chair.

yanbu: it doesn’t really matter at home if they slouch or have a leg bent up.

One of mine eats at the table with special cutlery, a plastic plate with a big rim, still wears an apron, needs feet up, still has a mat on the floor. The other eats alone upstairs in their bedroom. Disabled family with different sensory needs.

This sounds so much like my 11 year old DS. I don’t think he has sat properly through a meal at home ever. We suspect som undiagnosed adhd though. He will balance on the chair sideways or stand on one leg with the other resting on the chair. Today he got up to do the floss for a minute and then came back! I’ve given up on correcting it as he sit still if it is required, like in a restaurant, but it took a long time to get to that. I think he sits down at school for meals, but I think he finds it hard, so I’d rather he was comfortable at home to do what feels best within reason. Good luck hun!

I tell them to sit still, bum on chair, knees forward, no elbows on tables.

It's extremely difficult it seems, we repeat ourselves all the time. There's a lot of getting up etc.
And dinner only takes ten mins!

Kids are decent with a knife and fork though

It's all well and good that you are relaxed and don't have a problem with your daughter standing on one leg when eating at the table but I fail to see how you believe that allowing this kind of behaviour is helping her to not develop an eating disorder. She has just flounced off and thrown her food in the bin - it sounds like exactly the opposite is happening here.

Try a different approach.

I know you have a baby to look after but you and your DP need to work (and eat calmly at the table) together. Set the right example and show her what sitting at the table looks like. Give her some rules and set some boundaries, she is eight - not a toddler. Sometimes as a parent you have to take charge and tell the child how to behave.

But you have a severe eating disorder and, according to your own posts, compromised executive function.

Given this, why are you so sure that your approach is in the right?

Yes, from the moment they were old enough to sit to the table on a chair.
They were taught to use cutlery correctly and ask if they could be excused from the table.
We encouraged chatting, but devices were and still are banned.

Talking from experience children iften have lower chairs and tables at school which allow them to have feet on the floor. Some children manage in standard dining chairs but others need the proprioceptive feedback from feet on the floor or from a smaller seat to enable them to coordinate fine motor functions ( using knife and fork, picking up drink etc) and gross motor functions; sitting uprights, maintaining a stable seated position etc.)
If you have fidgety children try using something to support their feet and also rsuse seat heightso they can oush diwn to cut their fiid instead of reaching up. If its a sensory issue a wobble cushion can help

I regularly sit cross-legged (i.e. with my ankles under my bum) at dinner so would be a bit hypocritical of me to insist the kids sit a certain way!

Also this thread has reminded me of my dad sternly telling me to get my elbows off the table and that I was holding my knife and fork in the wrong hands... Nonsense! Why would you want people to be uncomfortable??

My kids will be allowed to sit how they like at the table. As long as they're sat down and eating as tidily as their motor skills allow with no books/screens I don't see what else matters (they're a baby and toddler at the moment and the toddler's doing great with cutlery, bless her)

Oh you advance searched me you saddo. My eating disorder has nothing to do with my ability to parent my child thanks. I’m not going to respond to you anymore because I can see you being awful on other threads too so you’re clearly a troll.

Yes
Bottom on chair
Facing forwards
Knife and fork
No elbows
Asking to leave the table
Please and thank you

I'm wondering whether there could be poor core stability / dyspraxia.
Worth looking in to.

And sitting completely properly is not worth this level of argument.

In the same way we gave up trying to get DD2 to use a knife and fork 'correctly' - she just couldn't do it. Turns out she has dyspraxia, as does DD1.

Nope, mine are up and down like the energiser bunny. Doesn’t bother me, they know how to sit at school/in public I don’t enforce this at home as long as they eat their meal.

1. Sitting oddly/uncomfortably even when prompted suggests some sort of issue with sitting properly. So on one front, you investigate that problem - ask the teacher for feedback, observe her in other settings (you said sofa sitting also unusual) like restaurants, friends' houses, her at table when Dad isn't there.

1. Try a wobble cushion either under her bum or her feet, or a stool (especially a tilty one for sensory feedback). Observe any changes.

1. You and dh need to discuss this away from the dinner table and come to an agreement. Then stick to your joint plan. Talk her through your agreed plan. The first part of the plan should be observing without correcting. Talk together ( without dc) about what you see. Your perspectives will differ.

1. I suspect there is a wider issue with you and dh not communicating well, undermining each other. Kids pick this stuff up.

Do her feet touch the floor? It’s really uncomfortable otherwise, try a step or something, she sits on the chair, feet on the step/stool etc, see how it goes. It’s one of the reasons kids kick the back of seats on planes, there legs are dangling and get restless.

Only read the OP's posts but I immediately thought ADHD and/ or ASD given that your DD also doesn't sit 'properly' in other settings. Very very common amongst ND folk.

I think someone else has mentioned wobble cushions, and other practical solutions.

As for your DH, if he accepts that she may be ND then he needs to accept that she may not be able to sit in the way he prefers - and it is just a social preference!. If she is sitting (in any position) at the table and eating then that is a major win for a ND child!

It's hard to establish whether there's a potential sensory need or SEN there or whether she's being a typical child who has realised her parents aren't on the same page and this can be exploited.

If you know your DH cares about table manners and then she's allowed to sit how she likes and table manners aren't expected by you for 5 days then you're partially responsible for the upset on the other 2 because she's being set up to fail.

Your DC might have sensory needs and require some adjustments, but it's hard to establish that when you and your husband aren't on the same page and are disagreeing in front of her.

Will she sit at the table properly when her father isn't home?

I like the idea about something to put her feet on. I always feel funny sitting on what I perceive to be tall chairs. You mentioned her being smaller so she may feel funny. Also, some chairs are unbearably uncomfortable. When they are, I can't help but fidget or sit on one leg.

I'd let it go for the most part. Try to have a peaceful mealtime. Tell her father to stop insisting.

I sit with a leg often tucked up. At under 5 foot sitting 'nicely' is bloody uncomfortable. Daughter similar. We are both well behaved around guests and at resturants.

Yes to this and add mouth closed while chewing.

I absolutely care about table manners.

she must use a knife and fork correctly, she must eat with her mouth closed, she must scrape her plate and put it in the dishwasher when finished. I like her to sit up in her chair but as I’ve said quite a few times now, I’m not that bothered about a leg being tucked under her. This is where me and husband are clashing.

Does she fidget a lot? Could she have adhd?

Personally it does matter how they eat at home at that age as that is where the lifelong habits are formed . It’s rude to put feet on chairs, so she must learn not to do it at home. She would be told not to at school or in someone else’s house it would be considered rude so you need to help her to recognise that.

I find it bizarre that you suspect ADHD/ASD and school are keeping an eye on her, yet you have no idea if she has problems sitting in school.

Also, your husbands behaviour towards a child who may have a disability is disgraceful. Let her sit as she feels comfortable, she isn't a performing robot. I think you both need to lower your expectations tbh, you have a lot of 'rules' which, if she is autistic will be causing her distress to adhere to. Open your world and learn about your child's needs and out those before your list of table expectations.

At 8 I would focus on the essentials but not expect perfection, no. What harm comes from having a leg bent?

Sitting still is quite a stretch for 8yos but also the arguments/stress will be making it worse.

Is there any difference when your DH is not at the table? I would not like to eat with him - where are HIS manners?