Do you insist your kids sit “properly” at the dinner table?

[SirMoose]

Please help with this massive parenting disagreement between me and my husband!

yabu: no excuses, children should always be sat nicely with chair tucked in, legs dangling down and not up on the chair.

yanbu: it doesn’t really matter at home if they slouch or have a leg bent up.

My 10 year old has been taught to sit nicely at the dinner table... so yeah no slouching/knees up etc etc

I have no idea what she’s like at school.

She has a habit of standing on one leg with one bum cheek sort of perched on the edge of the chair.

It doesn't give you issues with food to sit in your chair properly.
Of course kids shuffle a bit, but if the chair is the right height and comfortable, there's no reason when she's in the process of using her cutlery, properly that she can't sit sensibly. If she's allowed to do it in her own home, she's going to think it's OK to sit like that anywhere.

Is her seat the right size? Can she comfortably reach the table and do her feet touch a foot rest?

Are there any other areas of concern? Can be a sign of ADHD if they can’t sit still for long periods

Yup. Sit properly, use cutlery. Ask to be excused before they can leave, say thank you at the end of every meal.

Tip for younger/fidgety DC- try tying an exercise band around the chair legs. It gives them something to rest their feet on and/or fidget with.

I do try to get mine to sit properly because otherwise food ends up all over their front or the floor! It’s an ongoing battle though.

Can't get worked up about it. In public or at someone else's house I'd expect better manners and they know how to behave? At home? I'm not the gestapo. Hell, I sat and ate my dinner on my lap with my feet on my DH tonight.

we insisted as toddlers and now they just do, don’t need telling/reminding. Sounds like this is a new thing and that’s why there’s a struggle?

your post doesn’t answer why she can’t sit down? Is it attention seeking? Discomfort? Same rules not applied to younger siblings? If there’s no physical reason I would insist on it but would try and find the reason why there’s pushback

I like to sit with one leg under me and one leg down.

If her feet can’t touch the floor it’s probably not very comfortable… can you provide a stool for her to rest her feet on and see if that helps?

Or is it a general problem with being able to sit still?

Yes. I think it's really important that they know how to behave, sit properly, not fidget, not talk with mouth full, share a conversation, take an appropriate portion depending on how much of something there is and how many people it needs to go round, use cutlery correctly etc, so although it's not completely Victorian round our house they are gently steered to do things the correct way.

When they are adults and move out, they can do what they want (except when they are back with us for dinner ) but I think that there might be times they appreciate having these skills. At least they will know how to behave properly at the dinner table if they want to. Whether they choose to do it or not will be up to them. It's just life skills. Imagine they are at a fancy dinner for work, or want to impress a new girl/boyfriend on a date but don't know what good table manners are because they've never been shown.

They also have a proper breakfast every morning. I (or they) set the table the night before, so breakfast (usually cereal or toast) with a drink, is eaten sat together at the table, as the norm. I think it sets them up well for the day. When I grew up, I didn't have breakfast at home past primary school level, not even a drink of anything. Once at secondary I ate chocolate every day from the corner shop before school, so I want to avoid that for them. So far it's working.

I feel like I’m having to ask a really obvious question over and over again: Have you asked her why?

And don’t you talk about how she is at school?

^ I know you were only asking about sitting so I digressed a bit there! To be honest as a child I sat with one leg tucked under me all the time and was told off about it all the time. Actually I've since learned that sitting like that is really bad for knees. I still do it if I'm sat at a desk though, it just feels more comfortable. But no, for the dinner table I'd still ask them to sit straight.

Yes we all sit properly at the table. When they were younger they could sit on a cushion for comfort/to be at the right height.
Now they're older sit properly, use cutlery, engage I conversation, no phones at the table. Also help set and clear the table.

My ds (13) who is autistic is unable to sit "normally" on a dining chair. He has both legs up or one dangling or he half stands up. I often worry he'll tip backwards. In fact, he often circles around the kitchen and dining room, cereal bowl in hand in the morning and I have to remind him to sit down.
I've also taught many dc with adhd and many do struggle to sit in the 'traditional' way (though I do think school chairs are uncomfortable anyway!)
I guess it's worth considering? I'd say it's also worth choosing your battles over this one. I'd probably ignore the behaviour if it's causing so much anxiety. It's not the worst thing in the world?

At school they will have smaller tables and chairs. It could be a sensory issue (some children really NEED to fidget) or it could be ust that the gap from chair to floor is too big without a stool or something for their feet to be on.

I absolutely would NOT want it to become an argument that causes tears - you really don't want to set up issues around eating or associations with eating.

I would go into problem solving wtih them - when calm and away from a meal time say you're finding it tricky - what do they think they need to make it more comfortable. They may know/suggest a cushion etc or may not know at all and just say they find it hard.

I'd also draw back and NOT talk about it for a couple of weeks to take the focus off it as an issue.

Separately you can have "eating out manners" or "eating at a friends house" manners that are different to home. Maybe insist on sunday lunch with "eating out manners" for example rather than a battle at every meal. Make it special for them too so they enjoy it rather than is a chore.

Aside from all that you could mention it to school and ask if they've noticed anything (although school is different with different furniture!)

Ours were expected to sit properly at the table from nursery age onwards - about three. They started before thst but fidgetting was more acceptable in a two year old. They had chairs with bars for feet. They were expected to sit properly and use cutlery correctly at nursery as well.

I would do battle. If they left the table their meal was finished. By age 5 they were pretty good.

(And yes echo 42s points re neurodivergence - that and/or sensory issues can be an issue and if so it really isn't worth fighting the battle every meal time!)

This is far more comfortable that what you're trying to make her do. Have you ever sat on a bar stool without a footrest? Having your legs dangling is so uncomfortable. Why does it matter? Why turn every meal time into a battle because you think she should sit the way you think she should. Can you imagine if your husband insisted you sit a certain way on the sofa? It's her home, can't she be bloody comfortable?

To be honest if I get the teens to eat at the table at home it is a miracle let alone eat when I have dished the food up and it is hot. They do sit at the table properly when at other peoples homes or at a cafe or restaurant.

When they were little they did sit there properly at home as well.

She sits properly on her bottom on the chair and eats like a civilised person. Just like every single one of us did at 8 years old. She is taking you for a fool, so you have to persist.

Meal times are the one time where I am relatively strict.

I like the kids to eat and sit nicely.

I want them to have table manners and be well behaved when we go to restaurants.

DS is 10 and stands at the table for meals. He never sat properly and was also an incredibly fussy eater. I decided to pick my battles so took the chair away and then we could least just focus on the food. Life immediately became less stressful! He generally does his homework at the table and does that standing up too. I find it bizarre as, if I was standing, I know I'd constantly be shuffling but he's remarkably still.
He has no problem sitting at his desk at school. He also sits down to eat in restaurants or at friends and his table manners aren't bad.

We have the rule that you sit properly at the table and eat or get down if you want but food stays at the table. They can do either one no arguments, but food stays at the table.

I expect the children to sit properly, wait for grace, offer each other the dishes and water and make polite conversation.

And because I expect it, it's what happens, and it's what's always happened.

I expect that for children not used to the same expectations it'd be hard to adapt at first, particularly if parents weren't consistent about it, but it's second nature for my dc.