Do you insist your kids sit “properly” at the dinner table?

[SirMoose]

Please help with this massive parenting disagreement between me and my husband!

yabu: no excuses, children should always be sat nicely with chair tucked in, legs dangling down and not up on the chair.

yanbu: it doesn’t really matter at home if they slouch or have a leg bent up.

I still don't find sitting properly at a chair comfortable. Like @SalviaOfficinalis I prefer to sit with one leg bent up, it's far more comfortable. I find it uncomfortable on my hips sitting in a formal position for too long, I don't know if it's linked to me being hypermobile, DF is the same so it's not just height related.

We make the children sit reasonably upright but I don't care what they do with their legs at home, a small amount of fidgeting is fine, buy for the older ones repeatedly getting up and down is not. If we are out and they have shoes on, then I am stricter about where they put their feet.

You don’t know what she’s like at school? Have her teachers never talked to you about what her behaviour’s like and what she can/can’t do?

Speak to her teacher first. If she can sit properly at school she can sit properly at home. You could try a fidget cushion or rubber bands for her feet to bounce off on her chair ?

Depends really as bad posture whilst eating can affect digestion. Plus it's really not difficult to just sit normally.

Of all the hills to die on as a parent this isn't one of them for me.

I remember having to sit "properly" at the table, not being allowed a book. Christ it was tedious. I'm happy to allow my 6 year old to read at the table and I really don't care if he sits "properly" either.

Can she reach the floor comfortably with her feet? A footstool might help.

Mine sit properly at the table, it is a hill I’m prepared to die on; it’s so important

Yes . . . but no op.

In the circumstances you describe I’d drop that battle for the time being. It’s not worth ruining meal times for or undermining your relationship with your dd.

Leave it for now and perhaps revisit in future when it’s less fraught.

Oh yes, I'm sure as adults people who weren't made to sit "properly" at the table are running riot all over restaurants, throwing food and causing mayhem.

Honestly.

Mine didn't even sit at a table so it's not something I could get worked up about.

Plus it's really not difficult to just sit normally.

Actually it is for people who are neurodivergent, as lots of us are (diagnosed or not).

You sound a shit of a person.
Sitting in a stool with your legs dangling is so uncomfortable and hard to then manage to eat. That’s what it’s like for a kid with no feet on the floor or footrest. You’d punish a child who might have underlying my ND needs for making them in pain mentally and physically by punishing them by not being able to sit your way?
please spent the next week sitting on a stool with legs dangling and no back rest (adult chairs are too deep for kids) then come back and have a chat.

And obviously yes, a bum on a seat is a clear sign of a "civilised person".

I could not be rolling my eyes any harder at some of these absurd, po faced answers.

Yes, good to see people focussed on the big issues.

Meh as long as they are at the table enjoying their food, I'm happy

This is a great idea.

I have hyper mobility and restless leg syndrome (Willis-Ekbom disease) and I find it difficult to sit properly and still. I’m constantly trying to sit on my feet to try and get comfortable. I’m pushing 40 and struggle so it’s perfectly reasonable to imagine an 8 year old who can’t articulate themselves also struggling. I was often labelled naughty.

Actually yes you are right, my bad. I've assumed - very possibly incorrectly - there aren't circumstances like this at play.

Otherwise for most other kids it's not difficult.

If she can’t sit still at a table why make her cry over it every meal time? All people are different, and as her parents you should be accepting of it.

My DS can sit still at a table, so I expect it from him and will insist on it really (which has never caused an issue). My DD is just not capable, she still has perfect manors and will use her cutlery but she is just not capable of staying sat on that chair the whole time, it’s not her fault she’s got different genealogy to her brother, she’s not misbehaving, she just can’t stay still on that chair. Some days when I could do with a bit of calm I find her wriggling irritating but that’s my issue, not hers. Is stillness at a table really worth argument and putting a dampener on her childhood meal memories?

Pick your battles. It’s not worth anxiety and arguments. One of my kids was like this. Unsurprisingly at some point it stopped and they can sit at a table just fine

Speak to her teacher first. If she can sit properly at school she can sit properly at home.

Infant schools have child-sized tables and chairs.

What is your ultimate aim here?.
Children don't need to sit properly and follow formal eating for every.single. meal , to learn table manners.

Sometimes sitting in that way can be really physically uncomfortable.

If you want her to learn good manners then she won't need to eat formally all the time, it should already be laid on foundations which build as she grows up.
It's also good manners to take into account everyone's needs at the table. eg my dd we discovered has misophonia so if the sound of people eating is too much she can do what she likes.
We also have lots of TV dinners..

It's far more cosy and relaxing.

Other DD couldnt sit still almost from birth. She's much better now ( 11) but again we have had to accommodate her need's.

If you want her to sit to have a conversation with you then I would suggest a far more relaxed eating strategy but play board games with her? Card games and chat after dinner that way?
We do lots this way and find it's better than that intense focus when people are chewing!

She doesn't seem to enjoy her meal times so I would be looking at why and what you want out of meal times and go from there.

Being a parent is about being sensitive to needs and being flexible.
Do you want to force thing's into her or work around her and put her first seeing as she is the child?

Both of mine have reasonably good table manners inspite of mixed eating arrangements

Is chair correct size, feet can reach floor etc. I’d expect an 8 year old to sit properly to eat. If she’s constantly fidgety and unable to sit I’d guess there’s something going on eg sensory issues or possibly adhd etc.

...and junior schools have bigger child-sized tables and chairs, IME. The right size so most kids can sit sensibly on them.

DS is dyspraxic and autistic.
He's had 99% of meals over the past 11+ years at the table- we even take a table set camping.
He has not learned table manners by constant practice.

I pick my battles.

He finds it difficult to hold/ manipulate cutlery because of the dyspraxia/ sensory side, but giving feedback is hard because of the autistic difficulties. He's not receptive to feedback when he's hungry. He sees no purpose in practicing when he's not hungry. I still have to cut his food up when we go out and the stakes are higher. My intervention point is if he's trying to insert giant slabs of food towards his mouth with a high chance of mess/ dropping. I demonstrate how to hold and co-ordinate the cutlery. If I try to arrange his hands and guide him, it's painful as he's so sensitive to pressure.

I still have to remind him most mealtimes to sit, line the food up, then use cutlery. His instinct is to see food, grab and eat.

He sits on a wobble cushion. He falls off the chairs less often now. I don't sweat things like elbows, but his knees are not welcome at the table.
(I often sit cross-legged because it's more comfortable than sitting on man-sized chairs) I don't mind what he does with his legs as long as they're not in the way.

We wait until permission is given before leaving the table.

All nit picking would achieve is nightly meltdowns and distress. I know this from experience from when he was younger and I hadn't joined up the dots that he's ND.

For some ND children, practice isn't enough. DS2 does far better with the same upbringing and two years less life experience. It's certainly not been for the want of trying every single day. Few NT children don't pick it up if they have regular practice.