To not understand the nastiness that being a housewife provokes

[AMorningstar]

Not just on MN. I don't even use MN that often but I see this on other social media websites too. If a woman shares something positive about being a housewife it's full of comments about how "being controlled by a man, couldn't be me!" "No thanks, I love my independence" or "just wait until he leaves you, then what". If a woman shares something negative about it its "see, this is why being a housewife is TERRIBLE" (yet no one would say "this is why having a career is terrible!" If a person was complaining about their job)

I saw someone earlier say they'd be devastated if their daughter wanted to be a SAHM.

Why does it provoke such vitriol? Other women choosing this doesn't force anyone else to, I don't get the complete lack of respect for people's decisions and lack of understanding that different people enjoy different things.

Who is being nasty? There are more posts complaining about the nastiness than the nasty posts themselves?

You've not read the equally massive number of comments like why have children if you don't want to raise them and other sneery comments aimed at women who work?

The issue isn't sahm v wm. It is quite simply that a woman's place is in the wrong. Whatever we do, we're not good enough. We get enough shit like that from men. All women need to stop participating in it.

They'll be along in a minute, don't worry. I'm getting my popcorn sorted in preparation.

Insecurity and being too invested in other people’s lives.

Literally every time it gets bought up on the Internet there are many unpleasant comments such as the ones I mentioned. It's just disappointing to see people can't support others. "Not what I'd do but I wish you the best, good luck!" costs nothing, nor does not saying anything if you can't bring yourself to be pleasant.

Yeah I dont get it either op. If someone is happy staying at home to raise their children theres no problem at all!

Completely agree with women need to stop shitting on each other. Men dont shit on other men half as much, we need to collectively stop it.

I voted that you are not being unreasonable, but I would be devastated if my daughter wanted to be a housewife. Kids are young for such a short time and e benefit from socialization. In addition, work can be so satisfying and affirming. I was able to work part-time when my kids were little and then full-time. My husband was a high earner and he left me after 16 years of marriage. I think I would have died if I did not have the support, routine, and continuity of work, never mind the pension it allowed me to save. In the modem world sahm make themselves extremely vulnerable.

I haven’t seen much of that myself. Admittedly I have seen some concern for SAHMs who aren’t married due to the lack of financial security/gap in pension if the relationship goes south, but that seems to come from a pragmatic place rather than a nasty one.

As always as long as the dynamic works for a woman/her family and she has access to the family’s money then I don’t see an issue with it.

I think it’s lovely to be able to be at home with your children if you go in to it with your eyes open about the position of vulnerability you’re in, and financial dependence on another person.

But there are many threads on here which show the naivety of many women who become SAHMs without any protection in case their relationship breaks down and they’re often left without any assets or career prospects. I think a lot of threads try and warn off the danger of this.

Most of the comments on this topic tend to be about encouraging people women to be financially independent. Hardly surprising since so many women start posts here about how they are vulnerable after having children because they have up work. It’s not nastiness to suggest women should not give up their independence. It’s common sense.

it would be good to understand what you want from this post, as you started with housewife’s and then mention a SAHM post as an example

SAHM’s aren’t the same as housewives

The way you're describing it is over the top and I agree each to their own but I agree with the poster who said she'd be devastated if her daughter chose that path. It's a path I would never consider for myself either. Only because living on someone else's whim fills me with dread.

Posted too soon, the only way I'd consider it is if I were so independently wealthy that money were a mere afterthought. A lot of women end up with nothing, CMS isn't even enough to cover costs of children so yes being able to afford things because your husband works and that's it is just too precarious, what if he loses his job, has an accident or just has a midlife crisis which results in divorce. So many women think it could never be their reality until it is.

I get your point and I'm glad you found fulfilment in work - but I don't think it's devastating if someone doesn't feel that way. I've never personally found work fulfilling and generally feel much happier being home with my kids, or just at home in the house maintaining the domestic sphere. I also like the freedom that comes with it. I don't think either is wrong, just different, and i don't think either is devastating.

I note you say housewife and not stay at home mum, so on that I think it’s because as women we fought so hard to have the right to have financial and social independence, to have social and financial equality, the right to be married, have children and work at rhe same time, that many find it very hard to see a woman who choses to do domestic work in the house and have a man pay for her life, from the clothes on her back to the roof over her head. In addition so many women struggle in later life if the relationship ends, and they are simply unable to sustain themselves and live financially independently, they still need paying for, either by the tax payer or the ex.

As Time moves on, more and more women want the equality that comes with a dual career, and the model of the housewife becomes more and more dated and frowned on.

Define nasty. You have to expect the full range of opinions on all social media including Mumsnet.

Being a housewife really doesn't make sense in 2022. If you are married to someone with an awful lot of wealth that won't ever disappear then you might be safe if they die or divorce you, but other than that you are vulnerable.

I did define it in the OP.

Why doesn't it make sense? Having someone on hand to deal with the domestic sphere is very useful. Housework doesn't magically go away because its 2022. Plus from a selfish perspective I enjoy the freedom and free time it gives me. If its not for you that's fine but I don't see how you can say it doesn't make sense.

So if you married a millionaire you would work just because? Rather than, say, get a decent post nup to ensure you would be taken care of in the event of a divorce?

It's perspective though isn't it. You haven't had the experience of having people shudder that you are leaving your children to be "brought up by strangers" because you aren't "lucky" enough to have an alternative. Equally nauseating

I have no idea why people can be nasty about SAHMs and housewives either.

Theres probably lots of reasons. Maybe jealousy about not having the choice, maybe a lack of trust in men in general (e.g. if youve been previously cheated on, or product of separated parents etc), maybe having worked hard to get to a certain place at work and not understanding how anyone might decide to give that up for kids/housework etc.

I think lots of different factors come into play. I dont care what anyone thinks about the fact that i was a SAHM for donkeys years and now work PT.

Yes, now and again i think my pension is currently crap, but by the time my kids are 18 i will still have 23 years of working life ahead of me.

Sorry I misread your comment a little.

I don’t think it makes sense to work if you don’t need the money/can protect yourself and everyone is happy with the arrangement. That feels really silly to me - jumping through hoops due to the opinions of others rather than what makes you happy

I don't think it's automatically sexist just because more women than men do it. Maybe more women don't want to be separated from their kids, I know I didnt. This isnt meant to be disrespectful to those who wish to work or to dads either. I'm just saying the reasoning isn't necessarily sexist.