To not understand the nastiness that being a housewife provokes

[AMorningstar]

Not just on MN. I don't even use MN that often but I see this on other social media websites too. If a woman shares something positive about being a housewife it's full of comments about how "being controlled by a man, couldn't be me!" "No thanks, I love my independence" or "just wait until he leaves you, then what". If a woman shares something negative about it its "see, this is why being a housewife is TERRIBLE" (yet no one would say "this is why having a career is terrible!" If a person was complaining about their job)

I saw someone earlier say they'd be devastated if their daughter wanted to be a SAHM.

Why does it provoke such vitriol? Other women choosing this doesn't force anyone else to, I don't get the complete lack of respect for people's decisions and lack of understanding that different people enjoy different things.

Why doesn't it make sense? Having someone on hand to deal with the domestic sphere is very useful. Housework doesn't magically go away because its 2022.

housework isn’t a full time activity unless you live in downtown abbey.. Many working couples share it equally or have a cleaner. Just as you’re a woman doesn’t mean you’re responsible for cleaning.

my husband and I both work, neither of us would find it useful to habe someone on hand to deal with the domestic sphere. We are adults and capable of working and managing our home.

It's both really. I don't plan on working when my kids are adults. I find it odd how many people define themselves by their work and identify with it, there's so much I want to do in life! None of it is work based though. However I respect others feel differently and may find it genuinely fulfilling.

Maybe more women don't want to be separated from their kids, I know I didnt

whay are you doing? This didn’t start of as sahm with early years kids. This started off about housewives. Which is different. What do you mean most women don’t want to be seperated, nearly all are, kids go to school. The vast majority of women work. Time has moved on op.

To be honest I don't think enough respect is given to the fact that parenting is a bloody hard job on top of keeping a home. My mum was a stayvat home mum and said it has been one of thebmost fulfilling and hard things she ever did. Oddly being a long term SAHM has never been for me and I love employed work but have many friends who are perfectly happy with having one parent stay at home. It's none if anyone else's business, you do you.

I think OP means in the early years, like 0-5 years when she talks about separated from kids.

Have we gone back to the 50's.

Clearly don't have the same kids I do, it's a constant clean up after a tornado situation 😂 plus endless laundry for a large family. I also have a weekly cleaner, it still needs doing in-between.

But that aside, it's still easier to have someone do it during the day so that your free time is free to do whatever you want with. I would hate to have to work 40 hrs per week and then deal with everything on top of it. It's nice to be able to have evenings free of work.

Completely agree with this.

Op,you’re changing what this is about. You started off house wife, now you are giving it youve loads of preschoolers and a cleaner.

I included both housewives and SAHM in the OP, because they're closely related. I was replying to another poster who said that she thought it was a sexist role because more women choose to do it than men, and I said it may not be sexist so much as more women may not want to leave their babies. Yes I was referring to younger kids in that comment, babies and toddlers. My own kids for example, I didn't send them to any form of childcare until they were 4. My choice, I didn't want to leave them. No disrespect towards anyone who chooses to do it differently, that's just how I felt personally.

This.

You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

You will be criticised for continuing to work FT, or for starting to work PT, or for changing career tack to work at something less demanding that fits around your family life, or for being a SAHM, or for being a high flyer, or for being your family's breadwinner, or for basically anything.

You will be criticised even more if you remain single, or childless, or both.

You will be criticised if you only have one child, or if you have two or three or four.

Society has always condemned women, men condemn women, and sadly an awful lot of women condemn other women. I don't know what the answer is but we have a depressingly long way to go. The WOHM v the SAHM argument is only the tip of the iceberg.

I'd be devastated if dd decided be be a housewife. I want her to be independent and have a fulfilling career.

I have 2 friends recently divorced. The one who has been a sahm for 15 years is royally screwed. The one who has maintained a career is doing very well. Both have retained full custody of the kids.

I find the last part interesting. I don't see it as being "financially supported" by him specifically any more than he is "domestically supported" by me. We are a team. We choose to specialise in different areas, but everything earned belongs to both of us and its not more his money than mine.

I've seen people say theyd hate to have to ask their partner for things but that's not been my experience nor anyone else's that I know. I've never had to ask him for anything, I've equal access to the money and can spend it on whatever I want to. As can he. It's all shared

Yeah this is unfortunately true. You see ir everywhere - natural birth vs medical assistance, breast vs bottle, abortion, having kids young/late, having kids at all...its disappointing though.

The I get et provides a platform for anonymity meaning some people are dicks to people about their life choices. FT working mums get a load of stick too.

I don’t really care what other people do but I am a little concerned when unmarried women are SAHMs just because I think they need to know how few rights they have to anything should the relationship go to shit.

*The internet

I included both housewives and SAHM in the OP, because they're closely related

I’m not sure I think they are. Being a SAHP is about looking after children instead of working outside of the home, providing that care and saving the household money on childcare. The benefit to the household of being a housewife isn’t the same.

What benefits are there to your family of being a housewife once your DC are grown and flown? I can understand the benefits for the person doing it but if you start from the perspective that a household is a team with everyone contributing how’s that the same?

I’m mainly a housewife (no kids) and I love the freedom.

I can do bits of work if I choose (self employed), meet with friends, spend my leisure time as I wish - outdoors, swimming, walking…… I’m with my dog all day……
Women have fought for the choice to work. It’s not ok to berate them for their choice not to (if this is possible within the household).

I worked full time for 20 years through necessity and it was never something I would have chosen. I would feel my life slipping away from me, stuck in the office with all the possibilities out there, but unreachable at that moment! Life is too short!

The thing is surely that young girls don't say, I want to stay at home when I'm an adult. Of course this would make me fucking depressed. It is categorically NOT something to aspire to. Aspire to being a mum. Aspire to being an astronaut. Aspire to being an artist or a lawyer or a nurse. Aspiring to stay at home is fucking ridiculous.
Once a mother it's another thing entirely to decide well, for the next few years I'm going to stay at home full time as I have a man who I trust who's going to provide for me and the child.
My sister was a SAHM for 21 years. No work. No education. She spent that time shitting on me online for going to university, 'dumping my kids in nurseries with uneducated women (more educated than her, oh the irony), and working instead of creating a home. My kids are now adults (some of them), I have two degrees and a 6 figure salary. She just got got her first job ever, which is great! But part of me wants to scream and say congratulations on your £10 an hour admin job and wow aren't your kids so much more awesome than mine because you spent every fucking waking moment with them?!
It's swings and roundabouts. Women should support women. Instead of comparing and being bitter and angry.
I do think there are more women hating on WMs than the other way round as WM don't have the fucking time!

I think that if you want to be supported by someone else that's fine, but don't moan then when they turn the tap off and decide to retire early or the like. You made the choice, so you take the risk. I wouldn't take the risk.

OP there's a massive difference between staying at home with pre school children (or maybe for the first few years of primary school)- this can be a sensible option financially and otherwise provided the woman has financial security - is married as a minimum.

But being a housewife beyond that means putting your own needs and abilities below those of your husband. It's undignified and precarious. Look at the relationships board and see how often men check out of marriages/relationships- and a woman is left unemployable with no pension.

We have washing machines, dishwashers and vacuum cleaners. If your household can't be maintained with a few hours of adult input each day you are making too much work for yourself.

I couldn't care less what decisions individual women make as long as it's an informed choice with some thoughts surrounding their long term financial security.

It's also possible to accept women make their choices, but it isn't a choice made in a vacuum. I don't think it's coincidence that more women end up at home long term and more men end up building their careers, not do I think it's a coincidence that women are disproportionately shafted when they have children

SAHP should be valued more than it is, and I don't think it's any surprise it's not valued as much because very few men are willing to do their fair share at home when both parents work, and very few men be SAHP.

Being a housewife is a bit anachronistic to me. I don't understand why anyone, man or woman, would want to give up all financial independence to be a kept partner who relies on their partner's money.

For specifically when kids are grown: Home cooked meals, chores done, appointments managed, someone in for deliveries/tradespeople, less stressed so can put more effort into the relationship and family.