Friend forgot our plans

[Conundrum12345]

I have a very good friend who is chronically late for our meet ups and never puts appointments in calendars and forgets about them. Tb

Over the summer I asked her to pick a weekend in November for her birthday as I wanted to do something special (it's a big birthday). It was settled for next weekend. Over the past few months I had organised a day full of nice activities- spa in the morning, hair and make up in the afternoon and dinner in the evening.

We are in contact a lot and during the course of our texting this morning I asked if she was all set for next weekend. She responded that she was going abroad. I sent her screenshots of our conversation from a few months ago and she said she forgot to put it in her diary, how she was mortified, but hasn't apologised.

I'm really upset. I spent so long organising it. Am I overreacting and should I just let it go or say something

That may have been how some posters responded but certainly not all. There was a tone of 'don't blame her as she may have ADHD' in some responses.

Some, not all, before you flame me further.

I think you went way OTT organising a full day of activities for a mates birthday. How do you know she actually wanted to do all those things?

Sounds like a test.

That’s terrible but it’s not a remotely comparable situation.

You invited your friend and her husband for a meal and kindly cooked something you thought she’d like = NORMAL.

OP asked friend months ago if a weekend was free then spent loads of money booking spa days without checking with friend = NOT NORMAL

All I saw is people trying to explain why this might be happening because they know ignorant people will come in here saying "all people who do this are just rude, nasty and entitled and think their time is more important than your time and I had a friend who did ABC so I cut her out of my life because XYZ" etc etc. You said yourself you've faced discrimination because of your ADHD, so you should have more empathy for people who want to stop people spewing that ignorant, ablest bs.

You sound like an absolutely lovely friend to arrange all of this.

There are strategies she could do if she is “neurodiverse” as suggested by some just buy a 99p diary and write it down and don’t make plans with others until you’ve checked it!!

Personally for me the friendship would be over as I just couldn’t be doing with it. No dramatic fall out or anything I just wouldn’t make any plans.

It doesn't take a great leap of imagination to see how it could create more prejudice if some posters are basically defending the OPs friends actions when we don't even know if she has adhd or not!

There's no excuse for flaking out on a friend like this who has forgotten OPs birthday plans, ADHD or not.

Excuse, no. Explanation, yes. The reason why it happened does make a difference if the OP wants to continue the friendship. Or maybe it doesn't matter to her. It doesn't seem to matter to a lot of people. They don't care if someone has a disability. If it affects them in any way, then they'll drop that friend. Or maybe that only happens with certain disabilities.

If it was my friend I'd want to know what they were doing to help themselves to stop it happening again rather than just get repeatedly let down.

Have it out with her op, she needs to understand that actions have consequences.

Even if the friend does have ADHD, that's no justification for her not giving OP an apology. I'm autistic and have learned that people generally forgive me my fuck ups if I express regret over them (plus I do genuinely feel regret, usually). OP's friends sounds self-absorbed due to the lack of apology.

Her forgetting is disappointing but the lack of an apology is hurtful and rude. She may well be neurodivergent as other posters have suggested but it’s not for you to diagnose her or assume she is ND.

If it was my friend (and I do have a friend exactly like this) I would ask her what could I do to help her with this to stop it from happening.

As it so happens, I did ask this and guess what! It rarely happens now (with me, at least). All it takes is for me to check in with her, little reminders. "Hiya, you still up for the thing next month? I'm just about to buy the tickets" or "You buy the tickets then I'll buy the dinner" because if she's involved in the arrangements she's more likely to remember them. It's not hard for me to do this because she's my friend, and she didn't choose this disorder, and I don't like being let down either. EMPATHY.

Does she only do this with your or with other friends and family too?

if everyone, and you want to keep the friendship, I think it would be worth telling her how hurt you feel. And give her a wall planner for her birthday.

if she only does it with you or selected people, perhaps she’s not as invested in your friendship as you are, and it might be time to step away.

in her shoes, if it was a genuine error, I would go OTT with planning something for you for the next available spare weekend.

I take your EMPATHY and raise you .... PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.

Why did you book stuff without checking that she could still make it? ‘Just checking in’ etc. if you know she’s flaky that is common sense. I could be considered flaky, I often forget things and double book and feel really anxious about it; regular reminders and patient friends are much appreciated.

You sound like a lovely friend OP but I think you have been a bit over optimistic here in assuming your friend would change the habit of a lifetime.

I have a close friend who is similarly disorganised (but kind, loyal and a lovely person). Even after she had told me that she had put a date 3 months down the line in her diary, I would never book anything for us both on the planned date without checking in with her again first.

Your friend should most definitely have apologised and asked if you were out of pocket.

I would explain to her that you were excited about celebrating her birthday with her and feel hurt and let down. Her reaction to that will tell you a lot about the value she places on the friendship, and you can decide then whether you need to take a step back from her.

Personal responsibility goes both ways. The OP says her friend has improved a lot, so obviously she has been trying to do better, but it doesn't work consistently. So, knowing her friend is trying, and knowing her friend struggles in this area, the OP did nothing to help.

Sounds like your friend has ADHD…

I don't think you necessarily need to be ND to forget plans made verbally over 3 months ago and then not mentioned subsequently. Even if they were in the diary.

This. So much this. Im 55 and only realised this last year that it's very likely I am neurodiverse. I have struggled all my adult life with being flaky, time-keeping (my concept of 'time' seems to be different from other people's), organisation, and all the other things mentioned in this post. The rules of society are often a mystery to me.I must say I would have apologised profusely had I been your friend, but I do wonder if she even realises all the things you had arranged?

Those saying she doesn't value your friendship highly just don't understand how differently our minds work and the daily struggle to appear normal and just to function in the world. I have a few deep and valuable friendships and I appreciate every day their understanding and forbearance of my inability to function - particularly at or around social occasions. I have bailed at the last minute so many times - sometimes for quite big events. I have learned the hard way - I do have a hard-copy diary now and try to put plans in place a long time in advance to ensure my anxiety levels are kept manageable and I don't panic and freeze-up, but I still forget a LOT. It's nothing to do with not valuing friendships, I can't overstate how highly valued my friendships are - they are dearly loved and integral to my well-being and life, it's just that my brain is somehow faulty or different and I can't seem do things in the right way. My work partner is constantly having to remind me of stuff and people that I should know about, and did know about, but have just forgotten from one day to the next.

Just a couple of points to note
-She does this with everyone not just me
-It was not a test, I cannot reiterate this enough.
-I might be considered OTT, but we have done things of this scale together before.
-I do not want to lose her as a friend, if this means asking her how I can help her overcome her planning issues I will.

I hope you have another mutual friend that you can take along, and send photos to let her know you’re celebrating her big day

I have forgetful moments in menopause, and I’ve had to use reminders and my diary to overcome this. If this is the reason, your friend hasn’t, and hasn’t apologised which is poor behaviour. Learn from this and don’t let her, let you down again.

Tell her how you feel and why. Stop second guessing and TALK. That’s the only way you’ll know why. And stop planning things with her. Pull away and see if she makes an effort or not. If not, there’s your answer. But tell her exactly why you feel upset and ask her why first.

But OP, you already know how to help her remember plans. It's by sending her a reminder when you're booking things or every month ir so.
TBH for a big day out I'd do this as a matter of course.

She is what she is and isn't going to change, so on this occasion I think you just need to accept that you should have reminded her and she should have tried at least to remember the date and been a lot more gracious and apologetic when telling you about her trip abroad.