Friend forgot our plans

[Conundrum12345]

I have a very good friend who is chronically late for our meet ups and never puts appointments in calendars and forgets about them. Tb

Over the summer I asked her to pick a weekend in November for her birthday as I wanted to do something special (it's a big birthday). It was settled for next weekend. Over the past few months I had organised a day full of nice activities- spa in the morning, hair and make up in the afternoon and dinner in the evening.

We are in contact a lot and during the course of our texting this morning I asked if she was all set for next weekend. She responded that she was going abroad. I sent her screenshots of our conversation from a few months ago and she said she forgot to put it in her diary, how she was mortified, but hasn't apologised.

I'm really upset. I spent so long organising it. Am I overreacting and should I just let it go or say something

I have a friend like this.

I did remind her but she still "forgot" went on holiday twice.

I now know that I am not that important to her.

She has a "big important" job so there is no way that she can be that disorganised and she doesn't forget her holidays.

She will want to do something with us again at some point but I'm not going to put it in my diary. It really upset me at the time.

Fool me once and all that.

She’s not a friend.

similar happened to me on my friend’s birthday, although she didn’t forget. I’d taken a full day off work to spend it with her (self employed, so not even paid leave) and we’d arranged to go for lunch and a walk. Morning of I get a text “sorry can’t make it for lunch today, going for a walk with (another of her friends)”. To which I wasn’t even invited along! Made it perfectly clear to me exactly what she thought of our friendship, so I don’t really bother these days. She was my bridesmaid so we WERE close I thought, but I guess I had that wrong.

Agree with those saying it seems strange to have booked various events without checking in with friends even once to confirm still on or just to inform. Seems like a test whether it is or isn’t. I wouldn’t necessarily keep an event that was ‘in the diary’ that was pencilled in months ago and then I never heard anything more about.
yes she double booked, but I do think you could have handled this better .

Op, you sound lovely and are not being unreasonable.

Maybe she's ND yes, have you spoken with her about this possibility?

As someone with ADHD this saddens me to read the comments jumping to the conclusion that your friend doesn't care etc. My time management and executive functions are atrocious but it's not through lack of trying, I can put things in the diary and still forget about them because I don't remember look in the diary or my phone will only notify me the day of said event/meeting. Yes work stuff etc included. Neurodivergent people have enough of a struggle living in a world designed for the neurotypical without people trying to shove them into boxes that suit their needs and not the individuals.

Another one here finding it odd you didn't talk about the event between then and now. I'm on the organised side of the scale, but I'm aware not everyone is like me and id always book a date in with a friend then reconfirm when making an actual booking and then send a text saying "can't wait" a month or so before (if it's been a long wait). Then probably a "everything okay for ..." Text a few days before.

My DH is hopeless. To those saying if he care he would, it just isn't the case. He double books at work and turns up to stuff in the wrong month sometimes. It drives him and me mad. Putting stuff in the diary doesn't help because he doesn't remember to check the diary when making new plans. I can't tell you the number of times he has excitedly come to me about some event or thing with friends and I've had to pull up and show him the diary with a fully booked date that we've probably been talking about throughout.
Those saying she remembered her holiday abroad, it may just be because its more new and exciting than the "let me do something for your birthday" comment made 4 months ago. In my DHs brain it would immediately supercede it. He'd perhaps still remember that we were going to do something for his birthday, but it wouldn't connect that both were on the same date.
We are pretty sure he's got ADHD and definitely dyslexia, maybe dyspraxia. But nothing on the books. I once asked why he found it so hard to keep a track of dates etc. He said while other people talked of a timeline in their heads, or a visual calendar, for him it was like a spinning room that he threw information into and slammed the door shut. It gives him huge anxiety and stress.

I could spend my life being frustrated and angry at him and thinking he doesn't care. Or I can accept how he is and put measures in place to counteract it.

I'd also take "I'm so embarrassed" to be an apology.
YANBU to be upset. I absolutely would be. And angry. But I'd also accept that it probably wasn't malicious and knowing how they are, you probably should have known better. You know what to do if making plans in future.

It honestly seems like you were trying to catch her out.

I similarly made plans in summer with a friend in November, and I’ve mentioned it to her several times (are you still on for X, what time were you thinking for X, etc).

If someone made plans with me months in advance and then never mentioned them again I would assume they had forgotten /flaked out. No wonder she booked something else.

Same with calender reminders go for work meetings months in advance. Do I expect the organiser to follow up every few weeks?
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Is it not my own personal responsibility to organise my own calendar? I don't expect anyone to act as my PA.

If I organise a largeish work meeting months in advance I always send a reminder email a day or two before to attendees saying “looking forward to speaking to you at X, please see attached agenda”. Or if it’s a small meeting, touch base with the person beforehand. Otherwise it looks like you as the organiser has forgotten shrug

Wow you'd better let all psychiatrists know that "buying an Alexa" will cure ADHD or other severe memory issues.

Firstly not everyone can have an Alexa to go everywhere with them and the app chatting away (I use silent vibrating alarms to try and help) and secondly, I regularly forget that I'm putting something in my calendar because someone talks to me before I've completed the task.

Not every forgetful or flaky friend has a neurodevelopmental disorder, but there's a whole lot of us who have gone through life feeling humiliated at how unreliable we are, despite the best of intentions. Also I was completely unable to explain how inconsistent I was.

Even diagnosed and medicated it's still really tough and I can't easily be 'normal' no matter how many things I put in place. 🙁

I like to drop a video in case it helps anyone else:

110% this. I’m neurodiverse too and I am mortified/embarassed when I genuinely forget things. It’s a huge mental and emotional strain juggling life generally and I beat myself up, still, about things I forgot/friends I’ve let down decades ago.

it’s not as simple as making lists or diarising events. These seem like simple tools but, even in the odd occasion I remember to do this, alarms/reminders may not be set right and the support of kind friends who know I’m flaky about these things is so very much appreciated.

i almost cried reading your post as it’s genuinely the sort of thing I’d do. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my friends or not value their friendship. If your friend is neurodiverse (even if she doesn’t know it) trust me, she’ll be beating herself up for letting you down far more than you’re angry about it.

Having said that, if you can’t move in from this then let the friendship fade. But I do think it would be a shame to do that as you do genuinely seem to care for her. Just support her with regular reminders about these things.

I have ADHD and would never do this. You don't speak for the ND community.

I'm not sure why being neurodiverse is seen as a reasonable excuse for treating a friend badly, and I say that gently, as someone with ADHD/ASD.

The op is upset that her friend forgot something that she spent time organising and was looking forward to doing together as a special treat, the friend should realise this and at least apologise for letting her down regardless of her neuro-orientation. Yes it sucks when our ND executive functioning doesn't work, but it's not a catch all excuse to let people down, and it's easy to understand why anyone would feel upset by the behaviour of the friend in this scenario.

She didn't try to speak for the ND community. She spoke for herself, as a ND person who does do this.

You are very lucky that you aren't affected in this way. It is very common in ND people. Executive functioning impairment is a huge part of ADHD. Maybe you have a technique/routine that works for you, but other people aren't that fortunate.

It just gives ADHD and sufferers like myself a bad name when people excuse it for letting others down like that.

If you know you are likely to forgot arrangements others have made.. use a diary!

This women doesn’t have a diary!

You can set your phone to notify you an hour/day/week before an event.

Anyone with ADHD should, where possible, use strategies to minimise the effects of their condition as I a person with ADHD myself do.

I've been able to access coaching free of charge through access to work and there are charities and resources available for those who cannot do this.

ADHD is stigmatised enough and I've personally suffered prejudice and discrimination as a result, these kinds of attitudes don't help!

she forgot your travel arrangement but not her own? She’s not bothered
You need to stop being the fixer,the organiser. She doesn’t value it,can’t recall arrangements. I am v organised but nonetheless I’d have sent some reminder or prompts esp knowing she’s flakey eg I’m looking at flights,accommodation for our booking. Not just leave it as a definite fixed firm date

i suppose I wonder why you persist in being the fixer knowing she’s unreliable

This is something I would definitely do. Out of sight out of mind. I sometimes don't even have the brain capacity to write in a calendar. (Quite demanding when it wants to know time date place person and you just want to write dentist 9.30. ) I write mystuff on a notes section in my phone.

I have a friend who organises stuff a months to years in advance. Who's that organised that it stresses me out. I am someone that makes plans generally month to month. Something big like a holiday will get planned more in advance but I won't start making arrangements until just before. I will pack on the day or night before otherwise I will forget what has been packed. If I'm stressed things fall out my brain easier. I'm almost certain I'm ADHD. I'm messy and scatty but also incredibly detailed and creative with stuff. I don't think she doesn't care but if something hadn't been mentioned for months and then said a week before I would have freaked (but also offered to pay something towards it)

They're not "attitudes". They're facts. MANY ND people have trouble with executive function skills, which includes memory and timekeeping. That is a fact. Not everyone is able to find a strategy that works for them every time. It can fluctuate. That is also a fact. Not every ND person is the same. Some will have more trouble than you with some aspects of it. Just because having a diary works for you, doesn't mean that will work for everyone.

How would that help the OP's friend? She's gone and booked a whole other holiday. A notification a week before the original event is pointless.

The attitude that this makes it ok to let others down IS an attitude.

It's also a lot easier to remember something you have planned by yourself than something someone else mentioned once months ago.

Who said it was ok? No one thinks it is ok. People are absolutely mortified and ashamed when they do it because they know it's not ok. There is no attitude.

To be honest I would find everything you’d organised a bit much OP and it would make me want to run a mile. You’ve invested way too much time in her birthday - organising spa treatments etc without actually running these events past her? To be totally honest it would give me the ‘ick’ and make me run!
I like to think I would be more thoughtful than just ‘forgetting’. but the fact is she just doesn’t want to do any of these activities.
Why should she refund you? She never said she wanted to do any of this stuff.
Back off and equalise the friendship.
I’m not sure why this has gone down the route of discussing whether the friend has adhd or
not! That’s irrelevant. The fact is OP was coming on WAY too strong.