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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think indifference is fine

279 replies

hippityhip · 30/10/2022 13:03

Toward stepchildren?

Would you say providing someone is kind that's all that is needed?

Was having this conversation with a friend and we disagreed on what's 'okay' and what isn't.

I have stepchildren and to be totally honest I feel completely indifferent toward them. I've been in their lives since they were around 5 and 7 and they are now in their teens.

I have never loved them but nor do I dislike them. I don't miss them when they aren't here, I rarely think about them tbh. They are just part of life with DH. I've never discouraged their relationship or made things difficult. I'm always kind when they are around but that's just the extent of my feeling toward them. I want them to have a good life and be happy but at the same time I'd not be bothered at all if I never saw them again for example if me and DH separated.

My friend thinks anyone who feels this way should leave a relationship but she's very much 'love them like you're own'. She doesn't have step children but her children are stepchildren so she's seeing it from that side of things.

Imo providing you're not horrible, why does it matter? My stepchildren seem happy and we get on well when we are together so why does it matter?

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 30/10/2022 13:06

I agree, I feel the same about my DH's two.

It's not, of course, something I feel the need to say to DH (as I'm sure you haven't either) as I'm sure he'd find it incredibly hurtful, but yes, that's my feelings on the matter too.

SpookabooAtTheZoo · 30/10/2022 13:10

I think a stepmum should be like an aunt. No massive parental responsibility but definitely part of the family and invested in its happiness. That's how it was in my family and those of friends with step parents. But if this works for your family then what's the worry?

RandomMess · 30/10/2022 13:19

I'd like to think a step parent felt more than indifference.

Indifference is the opposite of love.

I'd like to think they matter more to you than a child or person you've never met.

VladmirsPoutine · 30/10/2022 13:23

I think indifference is really the thin end of the wedge. This sort of attitude is what really drives animosity and resentment at some point. I don't know why people blend families just to end up feeling as though you're in a train carriage with strangers. That's why I could never be part of this kind of set up but for others it's different. I will say, however, that step parents that are over involved are also crossing the line in some sense.

luxxlisbon · 30/10/2022 13:23

Indifferent is incredibly harsh imo.

Not everyone needs to have a ‘love them like your own’ relationship necessarily particularly if they have both parents playing an active role but your post comes across very cold. Most people would grow more attached to a cat over a decade than you have with these children.
I personally would hope for a closer relationship than that if there was a stepparent in my DC’s lives.

Ekátn · 30/10/2022 13:24

I don’t think you need to love them like your own. But I also think indifference isn’t right either.

as op said, an aunt is a good equivalent.

SteveBuscemisRheumyEye · 30/10/2022 13:24

Does DH know? If my DH was indifferent to my DD (whom he has known since she was 4) I would have an issue with it (DH's kids are much older, but I do love them, like an aunt as someone mentioned upthread!)

Mangogogogo · 30/10/2022 13:26

Indifference to them is fucking horrible. I’m not even indifferent to my kids’ little friends!

i would break up with someone who was indifferent to my children. It seems perhaps your husband doesn’t care about them as much as he admits too if he’s allowing someone to treat them like strangers in their dad’s home

ClocksGoingBackwards · 30/10/2022 13:28

It’s sad for children to have a home where one of the adults is indifferent to them. No one would actively choose that to be the way their child lives when they’re welcoming their squishy newborn. It’s inevitable that lots of children are going to be brought up like this but it’s not nice.

Ticksallboxes · 30/10/2022 13:31

I think you sound rather bitter and resentful and I would worry this is difficult for you to hide.

Are your DSCs difficult people? Do they show indifference to you?

If not, I think the quality of your life would be improved for caring a bit more about them.

OriginalUsername2 · 30/10/2022 13:35

I don’t judge either way but personally I get a little teary missing my step-son. He’s funny and always in a good mood though, and we don’t see him EOW. I did dread him coming at first because of the whole “red carpet” thing separated dads tend to do but we’ve blended very well over the years.

I think families are like tribes with our different genes, ways of doing things, even smells 😆Some click and work well together, some don’t. It is what it is.

SteveBuscemisRheumyEye · 30/10/2022 13:38

Actually, yes, I think what @ClocksGoingBackwards has said kind of a explains how I feel about it. Children should not have to live with an adult who is indifferent to them; it implies a coldness that potentially neglectful.

I would split from my DH if he were merely indifferent to my DH.

Smartiepants79 · 30/10/2022 13:38

I don’t believe you should have to love them like your own but I would expect a bit more attachment to young children that you’ve had regular contact with for several years.
However, if you truly feel that the relationship is a positive one and causing no harm to anyone then it doesn’t matter I suppose. If it works for your family.

SteveBuscemisRheumyEye · 30/10/2022 13:39

**DD

NukaColaQuantum · 30/10/2022 13:39

YANBU.

I wish my Dads current wife (his fourth…) was merely indifferent to me, rather than actively and viciously disliking me, to the extent that my previously close relationship with my Dad (and his with my children) no longer exists. My Dad is a shell of himself compared to when he met her 8 years ago (I’m 36, for reference).

I’m an independent, successful adult who lives 300 miles away. I ask for and need nothing from my Dad. Her adult child has never worked (no additional needs) gets constant handouts from her, (and that’s the only time she hears from her daughter) is aggressive, has a criminal record.

But apparently I’m the arsehole. He used to come and stay with us for the weekend two or three times a year, and we’d go up there two or three times a year. Occasionally I’d drive up there alone when DDs were away with my ex.

His previous wives wouldn’t come to mine, but were perfectly polite and lovely when we visited them - I’ve always booked us into a hotel when we go there, as his apartment isn’t big enough, so it’s not like we’re under their feet.

She said I’m weird and creepy because I like to go the cinema with (same taste in films), take my Dad to football matches (I’m not a fan but we did it a lot when I was a teenager and they are some of my favourite memories, so once a year we would go to an away match at a ground he’s never been to before), etc

I have no relationship with my mother as she’s an addict, I was removed from her care at 14 and put with my Dad.

I haven’t seen my Dad since pre Covid as the last time I was there, she was drunk and screaming abuse at me, started throwing things etc. She is fucking unhinged and at best, emotionally abusive and controlling of my Dad.

MNchickens · 30/10/2022 13:40

I think Indifference is mean so on that basis YABU

Id also question someone who could be a regular fixture in a child or children’s lives for so long and not develop some form of feeling towards them.

There is a long way between indifference and love, and to feel indifferent towards a child you’ve spent a lot of time with is pretty fucking cold.

Id miss my step sisters children if my mum and her husband split up, and I see them 4 times a year! The fact you see these kids more than that and wouldn’t miss them is quite depressing

girlmom21 · 30/10/2022 13:43

I couldn't be with someone who didn't genuinely care about my children. Obviously not instantly, but certainly by the time we were considering marriage.

BreatheInFor4 · 30/10/2022 13:44

I’d feel incredibly sad if after a decade all my partner felt towards my children was indifference.

JackieCollinsExistentialQuestionTime · 30/10/2022 13:46

YABU. You shouldn’t have married him if you felt indifferent towards his children. He presumably went into the marriage assuming he was with somebody who cares about his children - not necessarily in the way their own mother does, but in some capacity.

You might be coasting on your indifference right now but should anything happen concerning the children which requires you to step up to the plate for your husband emotionally, your indifference will inevitably be revealed.

I wouldn’t commit to a pet if I was indifferent, let alone make myself a permanent fixture in children's lives.

JackieCollinsExistentialQuestionTime · 30/10/2022 13:49

Oh and despite you ‘treating them kindly’, they will know. As a child, I lived in various different set-ups depending on my mum’s relationship at the time and I always felt it.

ArcticSkewer · 30/10/2022 13:53

I wouldn't personally invite someone into my life to play a step parent role, because I don't believe in it as a concept. I wouldn't expect more than indifference so that's probably why!

It's a difficult role to play. Love them then never see them again when you leave your partner. Hard to balance.

Why does your dh want an adult in their lives who is indifferent to them?

WhiteRabbitCandy · 30/10/2022 14:04

My step mother has been indifferent to me since I met her at 10. She's always kind and pleasant, never stopped me seeing my dad or anything but she definitely didn't love me or have any strength of feeling. We get along fine and I have no lasting damage from her indifference! I had my own mum to love me, and she had her own children to love. I think perhaps different if a child lives most of the time with the step parent.

RoseGoldEagle · 30/10/2022 14:05

The kids will know, OP. Though I guess if you’re indifferent to them that won’t bother you much. Hopefully they don’t spend that much time with you and DH and have a more warm and welcoming home with their Mum.

Wtafisgoingontoday · 30/10/2022 14:05

I believe it's perfectly ok to feel indifference to a step child, there is zero emotional attachment and it removes a lot of pressure. Some of us have a lot more going on in our lives than dedicating it to someone else's children. I married my husband because I love him not because I adore or want to help raise his children.

TedMullins · 30/10/2022 14:12

Indifference isn’t mean or harsh, it’s neutral. I’m sure if the kids required help or had an emergency OP would provide the care they needed, in the same way that most people would stop to help a stranger who’d fallen over in the street. Indifference doesn’t mean being rude or shunning people, it can be polite and personable, just means there aren’t any deeper feelings. I feel indifferent to a lot of people! YANBU, as long as you’re nice to them which it sounds like you are