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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think indifference is fine

279 replies

hippityhip · 30/10/2022 13:03

Toward stepchildren?

Would you say providing someone is kind that's all that is needed?

Was having this conversation with a friend and we disagreed on what's 'okay' and what isn't.

I have stepchildren and to be totally honest I feel completely indifferent toward them. I've been in their lives since they were around 5 and 7 and they are now in their teens.

I have never loved them but nor do I dislike them. I don't miss them when they aren't here, I rarely think about them tbh. They are just part of life with DH. I've never discouraged their relationship or made things difficult. I'm always kind when they are around but that's just the extent of my feeling toward them. I want them to have a good life and be happy but at the same time I'd not be bothered at all if I never saw them again for example if me and DH separated.

My friend thinks anyone who feels this way should leave a relationship but she's very much 'love them like you're own'. She doesn't have step children but her children are stepchildren so she's seeing it from that side of things.

Imo providing you're not horrible, why does it matter? My stepchildren seem happy and we get on well when we are together so why does it matter?

OP posts:
GalesThisMorning · 30/10/2022 15:28

I think it's weird that you would chose to live with people you have no feelings towards. Sad for them and for you! And also weird that you are indifferent towards your own children's siblings and your husband's children. Love doesn't only come from blood relationships. You can still love your stepchildren, even if you don't love them 'like you're own'. My husband loves his stepson, my DS. Not in the same way as he loves his biological son, our shared DS, I know that, but he loves both boys. I wouldn't have had a child with him if he was indifferent to my son, and I'm surprised any parent would to be honest.

SirMoose · 30/10/2022 15:28

I’m not a fan of other peoples kids at all but this is why I would never entertain being in a relationship with someone who has kids! It’s not fair. I have an awful step mum and now I have no relationship with my dad because of it. I have an indifferent step dad who had always been pleasant to me but it hurts just as much as the bitch my dad married.

HailOWeen · 30/10/2022 15:28

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 30/10/2022 15:22

I’m not a stepmum but a lot of my friends have kids - and TBH I find 99% of my friends kids annoying AF. I actively dread being around some of them. When you have a stepchild does that feeling still apply or does affection come over time from just spending a lot of time with them? I’m very much a ‘love my own kids and no one else’s’ kind of person (I adore my nieces and nephews too) but if I had to spend EOW with some my friend’s kids I think I’d go mad and dislike them more before I liked them!

Right!? Not all kids are likeable.

Original poster
hippityhip · 30/10/2022 15:30

Theredjellybean · 30/10/2022 15:21

I dont think you are indifferent OP.
You say you think about logistics of dsc coming, getting stuff in, you help out with ferrying about , you have a laugh together etc. you do bother to ask them about stuff and congratulate them....indifference would be not bothering even with common curtesy
the picture that paints is of a blended family, and that you do some of the mental and practical towards this being successful.
that is not indifference - indifference to me would be not doing anything good or bad ..so not involved at all, and clearly you are involved.
now this might be just to make it better for DH , but it does demonstrate more than indifference.
its ok not to love them, frankly i do not love many of my DDs friends and i am not sure i love my god children ( they are spoilt/rude brats) - but i do not think you are indifferent

Perhaps you are right yes. Indifference probably not the right word or the literal definition of it anyway.

Like a PP said, I'm not really bothered by 99% of kids I know. I'm not a massively child orientated person (apart from my own) so maybe that plays a part. I can't say I'm hugely fussed by any of my friends children either. There are the odd few I like spending time with occasionally but mostly I'm not really fussed about them either way (and as PP said, find some annoying too!), I'm always nice to them because isn't everyone? But I don't think I feel actual genuine LOVE, adoration or have any strong sense of feeling for any child other than my own.

OP posts:
Kissingfrogs25 · 30/10/2022 15:31

Indifference if you really feeling that is not neutral - it means
'lack of interest, concern, or sympathy'

I would be worried about having any parental type figure, even a teacher that felt 'indifferent' to my children/teens. I don't expect love etc, but I would want to know that the person spending time with my children cared enough to look after them if they were ill/struggling/sad/in need.

Indifference would mean you would not and do not care.

Put it this way if I was married to a step parent and they said the felt this way the relationship would be over. Especially if they had been a part of the children's lives for ten years. Indifference feels very close to contempt, a containment of what would otherwise be negative emotion.

Not great, no.

Original poster
hippityhip · 30/10/2022 15:34

GalesThisMorning · 30/10/2022 15:28

I think it's weird that you would chose to live with people you have no feelings towards. Sad for them and for you! And also weird that you are indifferent towards your own children's siblings and your husband's children. Love doesn't only come from blood relationships. You can still love your stepchildren, even if you don't love them 'like you're own'. My husband loves his stepson, my DS. Not in the same way as he loves his biological son, our shared DS, I know that, but he loves both boys. I wouldn't have had a child with him if he was indifferent to my son, and I'm surprised any parent would to be honest.

Can I ask though (and this isn't goady) how would you know?

If your husband is kind to your son, provides care for him, gets on with him and doesn't try to negatively influence your relationship with him, how would you actually know if he didn't feel love or any strong feelings for your son?

My husband has never outright asked me if I love his kids. I'm assuming he thinks it's unnecessary because outwardly I'm doing everything he feels is needed so he doesn't feel a need to question me about my own personal feelings.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 30/10/2022 15:34

Indifference would be a leery good result for me if I were to ever wind up with stepchildren. I just don’t care about other people’s kids.

SmileyClare · 30/10/2022 15:35

I'm very much a "love my own kids and no one else's" person....I find most children annoying

You wouldn't have a relationship with a man who had shared custody of young children if you were that kind of person. That's a no brainer

SirMoose · 30/10/2022 15:35

Also want to add if my husband was indifferent to my older child he’d be gone.

Nosleepforthismum · 30/10/2022 15:37

I think if you have been in the kids lives since they were 5 then yep, I would bloody hope you’d feel more for them than indifference. They are also your children’s half siblings which surely means something to you? I don’t have step kids but I am a step child and I find your attitude really quite shocking. On the other side of this, I’d honestly be devastated if my partner of 10 plus years told me he felt indifferent to my children that were not his and didn’t really care about their achievements or what happened in their lives and only ever asked to be polite.

As a PP said people bond more with their pets in that time and you just sound extremely cold. I hope you never express your feelings to your DH. I wouldn’t be able to look at you in the same way.

Theredjellybean · 30/10/2022 15:39

maybe your DH doesnt ask because to him your actions are that of someone who does care 'enough'
i don't believe completely in all the 'love languages' stuff but maybe yours is a bit more of the practical. You care enough to ensure dsc are cared for and happy when they are with you and DH and their half siblings.
most men are not emotionally intelligent enough or would bother to think 'does DW love my kids cus she has never told me she does ????'
most men would just see DW being nice and normal to dsc and everyone getting along with no drama and probably never give it another thought..

Goldencarp · 30/10/2022 15:41

I’ve been a step mum for 28 years from when my SD was 3. Of course I love her. I don’t miss her when she’s not here but she’s never lived with us full time and I probably don’t love her the same as the 3 I gave birth to but I do love her. She’s treated exactly the same as her siblings.

GalesThisMorning · 30/10/2022 15:41

@hippityhip not to sound smarmy or cheesy, but I guess I know because I know what love looks and feels like. He doesn't just treat my son nicely, he worries with me about him, tries to guide him, thinks very hard about what actions to take with him, nurtures his hobbies, talks me round when I fret about him, goes out of his way to facilitate things with him, researches Christmas presents for him, knows about and is invested in school matters... He loves him. I know it's not as immediate and bone deep as the love he has for our shared son, but he loves him all the same. I wouldn't have had a child with him if he was merely tolerant and kind to my son.

FlowerBrooch · 30/10/2022 15:43

The reason I never dated anyone with children is I sort of knew I would probably feel like you op because I was not even sure if I wanted any children myself.

SystemOfAFrowns · 30/10/2022 15:52

hippityhip · 30/10/2022 15:30

Perhaps you are right yes. Indifference probably not the right word or the literal definition of it anyway.

Like a PP said, I'm not really bothered by 99% of kids I know. I'm not a massively child orientated person (apart from my own) so maybe that plays a part. I can't say I'm hugely fussed by any of my friends children either. There are the odd few I like spending time with occasionally but mostly I'm not really fussed about them either way (and as PP said, find some annoying too!), I'm always nice to them because isn't everyone? But I don't think I feel actual genuine LOVE, adoration or have any strong sense of feeling for any child other than my own.

Show quote history

I agree with PP that you seem oddly cold

It’s very strange to feel nothing really towards people you spend a fair amount of time with.

I miss colleagues when they’re on leave, I miss friends children if I haven’t seen them for a few weeks. And I’d be devastated if I never saw most of my friends kids again.

the fact you wouldn’t give a shit if you never saw your own step children, who you’ve known for years, again is very much not ok.

DisneyMillie · 30/10/2022 15:59

I wouldn’t be ok with indifference from my DH to “our” eldest. I could see how just liking and not loving them could maybe work if they had an active involved non resident parent but even then - what if they wanted to live full time with you?

Personally it only works for us because DH loves my dd - he tells her so and she’s as close to him as her actual dad. He equal parents her / helps her with problems / treats her exactly like out you treat.

I’d say my dds stepmum feels how you do - she’s perfectly nice to her / does things with her but we can still tell there’s no real feelings between them and if I’m honest I think it impacts how my dds relationship is with her dad as it means theirs is less “home” than ours

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 30/10/2022 16:01

I think YABU children deserve much better than indifference.

Burgoo · 30/10/2022 16:02

As a stepson I can tell you that they will know if you are indifferent to them. It will leak out of your body language, even if you try your best to be interested. I'd much prefer a stepparent who dislikes me, at least I'd know where I stand.

IMO my child is an extension of me (psychoanalysis nightmare!) If you can't be loving and interested in my child, then you aren't for me. I am not saying feel like your own kids, just be interested.

My stepmother is a wonderful person. I am sure I don't receive the loving kindness that my siblings do, but she is always there, interested and caring. Thats not much to ask.

Burgoo · 30/10/2022 16:05

I'll be interested in whether you will be as bothered when they are indifferent to you and your partner if you ever get ill and need looking after in old age. "Sorry step-mum, we aren't all that concerned you are decrepit and miserable, wallowing in your own filth!"

JessesMum777888 · 30/10/2022 16:11

Think it’s really sad you wouldn’t care if you never saw them again.

FTstepmum · 30/10/2022 16:11

When I married my DH, I made a commitment to him and his children - that I would care for and take interest in them and look after their best interests.

Children need emotional support and positive attention in order to thrive as adults. Without it, they are insecure and vulnerable to all sorts of life problems.

I hope you can develop some compassion towards them, for their sake.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 30/10/2022 16:12

Burgoo · 30/10/2022 16:05

I'll be interested in whether you will be as bothered when they are indifferent to you and your partner if you ever get ill and need looking after in old age. "Sorry step-mum, we aren't all that concerned you are decrepit and miserable, wallowing in your own filth!"

Why on Earth would the OP expect her SC to provide intimate care in old age?!

SmileyClare · 30/10/2022 16:12

Herejustforthisone · 30/10/2022 15:34

Indifference would be a leery good result for me if I were to ever wind up with stepchildren. I just don’t care about other people’s kids.

No one just “winds up” with step children. You either choose to date a person who has custody of children or (I’d hope in your case) you don’t.

I’d be interested to hear how people who declare they hate other people’s kids form a relationship with grandchildren or step grandchildren, or your own adult child dates a woman with a child.

It seems like a cool thing to say “Other peoples kids are SO annoying, most of them are little shits haha” but I wonder how much is actually meant, and how much thought you’ve given to that statement.

MagpiePi · 30/10/2022 16:13

I think the OP's use of the word 'indifference' has confused a lot of people. From what I've read, she is perfectly pleasant and friendly, and not at all cold and distant.

I imagine it is the type of relationship many parents would have with their own children's friends - you are happy to see them and interact with them and look after them when they are around, but you don't feel the need to be invested in their lives more than that.

I think I've filled my MN Step parent bingo card though.
😊

Heartsofstone · 30/10/2022 16:15

From responses on here, I think a lot of people have a different meaning to the word indifference.
I see it as neutral. Take it or leave it.
That is not harsh, it’s honest. It doesn’t have to be your life mission to adore your dp children. You can just be decent and kind. That is along way from actively not liking them. YANBU