to think indifference is fine

[hippityhip]

Toward stepchildren?

Would you say providing someone is kind that's all that is needed?

Was having this conversation with a friend and we disagreed on what's 'okay' and what isn't.

I have stepchildren and to be totally honest I feel completely indifferent toward them. I've been in their lives since they were around 5 and 7 and they are now in their teens.

I have never loved them but nor do I dislike them. I don't miss them when they aren't here, I rarely think about them tbh. They are just part of life with DH. I've never discouraged their relationship or made things difficult. I'm always kind when they are around but that's just the extent of my feeling toward them. I want them to have a good life and be happy but at the same time I'd not be bothered at all if I never saw them again for example if me and DH separated.

My friend thinks anyone who feels this way should leave a relationship but she's very much 'love them like you're own'. She doesn't have step children but her children are stepchildren so she's seeing it from that side of things.

Imo providing you're not horrible, why does it matter? My stepchildren seem happy and we get on well when we are together so why does it matter?

Agree with the above, what op describes in her subsequent posts is not indifference.

The kids will doubtless know and hate you for it. What is worse, they probably hate their dad for it too.

Yea, people think indifference = being off with someone whereas it just means a lack of passionate feeling

I think, as you suggested, that the crux of the matter is whether you would continue to see them if you and DH split up. My stepchildren are much older and have never lived with us and I know if DH and I split up or he slipped off the dish I wouldn't see them again. I suppose I have not invested overmuch in the relationship, but have always been kind and polite, did cards and presents, nice meals here.

There’s a very distinct possibility that they also won’t care a jot. They’re being welcomed and cared for and treated with kindness. All that’s missing is an outpouring of love - not everybody wants that from every Tom Dick and Harry

No, people have the right definition of the word and you seem to think it means something else.

The whole “would I see them again” is a red herring anyway - because plenty of doting SP claim they love their SC like their own and as soon as they split with their OH they never claim eyes on them again. My brother is a good example - his SS even called him daddy. He split with his wife when SS was 12. Never seen the lad since. So much better to have a consistently indifferent SP IMO

She’s not every Tom, Dick and Harry though @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet she’s there step-mum and she’s known them since they were small children. She thinks they add nothing when they are there - and yet they are her children’s older siblings. Revolting.

Indifference is.....lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

Indifference is subtle but it is there and it is felt. It's a feeling, a knowing, a definite undercurrent of...I honestly don't give a fuck about you. A child will always be able to pick up on it and either reciprocate it or try really hard to earn approval and love.

Indifference is apathy and probably one of the hardest things to live with. You are just a thing that exists. No feelings at all.

So what? OP can’t feel what she can’t feel. And not all SC want outpourings of love and affection. OP is not ‘revolting’ (drama llama or what) - she provides a happy home life, cares for them and is welcoming. There’s just no active passion for these kids - I think that’s ok. They don’t need it. It’s up to their dad to provide that.

Your not expected to love them like there own but an indifference suggests that you don't particularly like them and tolerate them at best. These are children you knew from 5 and 7 years old. You don't seem to remotely care about them. I'm glad my ds step mother genuinely cares for him the same as my dh cares and loves ds and would do anything for him if he needed him. Does your dh know this?I couldn't have stayed dh if he had this attitude. What will happen when these teens become adults and have children will you be indifferent to their children.

Yeah posters aren’t getting what indifference in a relationship means.

There isn’t a black and white choice between “outpourings of passionate love and affection” and “indifference”
How hyperbolic.

If his wife is indifferent, their dad doesn’t provide them with a welcoming home, sorry.

I wouldn’t ever want to date a man with children, as I said, I cannot stand other people’s kids. But sometimes life doesn’t work out as you plan. Indifference would be a good result for me.

I've had a couple of stepchildren for a very long time (since they were 3 and 6, now they are 27 and 30 - how did that happen?).

I don't (sadly, I would have liked one but it never happened) have DC of my own, so it may be different if you do. But I do love them. Not in the consuming way that I imagine an actual parent would, but in a quieter, slightly more removed way. They are definitely in my family alongside the other families they are in. I hope they feel the same way.

How on earth does getting into a relationship and marrying someone fall into the camp of ‘but sometimes life doesn’t work out as you plan’

Unless you’re forced into marriage you can definitely plan not to marry a man with children.

With two loving and involved parents, and a supportive network of wider family, with yourself as a supportive aunt-like figure in their lives, your step children are probably fine. Your way of doing things is better for everyone than if you were overly involved or unkind. Your friend is probably being a little unrealistic.

But I’m surprised that you say you are indifferent to them, given how young they were when you came into their lives. Is that really what you mean? By creating a supportive and loving home life for them, that’s a practical expression of love. It doesn’t have to be all about strong emotions.

I might think your attitude was not enough if they are stepchildren as a result of bereavement - if you are the only mother they have known.

But if they have two loving parents, as long as you are kind and meet their essential needs, you are doing a good job.

It could be quite difficult for a child to negotiate intense loving relationships with step parents as well as biological parents and could be quite refreshing to have a neutral person around.

I do find it a bit unusual how the children can be in your life for so many years and you have absolutely no feelings of fondness towards them at all? I understand how you might not love them like your own but I think it’s a bit cold to be indifferent, even if you are polite and pleasant to their faces.

I think I would find it impossible not to grow to love someone who was in my life for an extended period unless they were particularly unpleasant.

Sometimes you meet someone and abandon your well laid plans, only to regret it down the line when you’re being left to look after someone else’s children and receiving abusive messages from their bitter mother.

So I’ve heard, anyway.

I think you’d be a bit of a dick head if you did that to be honest. Nobody falls in love with anybody on the first date and by the end of the first date you’ve generally got a fairly clear picture of their family circumstances to base a decision upon.

This is an interesting debate to me. I never wanted children for various reasons, but one was that my mother was not naturally maternal, you might say. She was kind and loving, but...I suppose she preferred us when we were older?

25 years ago I met and fell in love with a man who had 3 children aged 2, 5 and 8. I was very nervous around them and didn't know how to be "natural". They never greeted me verbally at all when they arrived to stay, so I was carefully distant and didn't force affection on them. I was so afraid of their rejection (and the wrath of their rather fierce mother who definitely didn't want my interference) that I rarely made physical contact with them even though I was kind, played with them, read to them, made food for them, played silly games with them and their dad and went out on days out, took them on holiday etc.

Did I miss them when they weren't there? No, but only because I was so awkward I was uncomfortable around them when they were small children, so I was less tense when they weren't there. Did I care that they were well and happy? Yes of course, I did then and I still do now they are adults. Would I see them or hear from them if me and their dad split up? I hope so after 25 years, I would want to stay in touch with them, although I don't think they'd give me a second thought.

They go through their own dramas and are now having children themselves, and I am delighted that they include me in that and I am a sort-of Granny. But they definitely don't hold any fierce love for me. They hug me politely, they occasionally remember my birthday and sometimes I even get a thoughtful gift. But we rarely exchange more than a cursory message here and there, if I vanished tomorrow it would not affect them one jot. When they call or facetime DH, he tends to wander off into another room so I'm excluded. He'll be on the phone for ages going through the latest crisis with them, and when he emerges and I ask if they're OK he just says "Yeah fine", so I don't usually get any details and have to drag it out of him.

I don't really feature, and I'm still so nervous of being rejected that I don't push my way into their lives. So whilst I care quite deeply for them, I think they are indifferent to me because they perhaps think I am indifferent to them. It's not the case, even if I'm not texting them daily or actively missing them. I do love them very much.

Naive. There’s plenty of women who find themselves in that scenario.

Wow, that was a "me" monologue wasn't it. Sorry OP, no YANBU. Indifference is fine IMO, as long as it's a kind indifference and doesn't compromise the relationship with their half siblings.

Sometimes you meet someone and abandon your well laid plans. only to regret it

So all your principles go out the window if you meet someone you fancy? Sorry but if you can’t stand children, you wouldn’t enter in to a relationship where there are children?

This is the same sort of argument for cheating on partners “we couldn’t help ourselves” as if adults can’t control themselves or make decisions about their future.

To me the step children are family members. I wouldn’t feel indifference towards them just as I don’t feel indifferent about my nieces, nephews or other family members. A less close bond does not equal indifference.