to think indifference is fine

[hippityhip]

Toward stepchildren?

Would you say providing someone is kind that's all that is needed?

Was having this conversation with a friend and we disagreed on what's 'okay' and what isn't.

I have stepchildren and to be totally honest I feel completely indifferent toward them. I've been in their lives since they were around 5 and 7 and they are now in their teens.

I have never loved them but nor do I dislike them. I don't miss them when they aren't here, I rarely think about them tbh. They are just part of life with DH. I've never discouraged their relationship or made things difficult. I'm always kind when they are around but that's just the extent of my feeling toward them. I want them to have a good life and be happy but at the same time I'd not be bothered at all if I never saw them again for example if me and DH separated.

My friend thinks anyone who feels this way should leave a relationship but she's very much 'love them like you're own'. She doesn't have step children but her children are stepchildren so she's seeing it from that side of things.

Imo providing you're not horrible, why does it matter? My stepchildren seem happy and we get on well when we are together so why does it matter?

No child should have to live with an adult who is indifferent to them and has zero emotions about them. Children don’t when adults are indifferent and don’t care about them, its also really damaging and can cause attachment issues. If you’re indifferent to children thats fine, but as an adult that means you have to take responsibility by not living with or having a relationship with children.

I think if that's how you feel, it's how you feel. No one should be made to feel bad for that. It's one of those things people will naturally have different feelings about and general personal leanings towards or away from.

Probably not very comparable, but, when we had au pairs, our feeling was we wanted people who helped with the kids but who also had their own friends and life outside our household, whereas others like to treat au pairs as 'part of the family'. I knew I wasn't really capable of that, so we ensured we only took on people it would suit. Obviously a huge difference in that step-kids don't get to choose, but my point is a step-parent can't necessarily choose to treat step-kids as their own emotionally if that's just not their inclination.

If they have been in your life since hey were 5 and 7 and they are now teens - how is if possible you haven't developed more feelings towards them?

I am not a step mum but I know lots of step mums . Some include them in the family more than others but they definitely have feelings towards them and actively care as opposed fo being indifferent

Several people have pointed out that “you can’t change how you feel”

However, like any emotion (jealousy, anger, resentment whatever,) you can address it and examine the reasons behind it. You can decide if your attitude is ok, whether it’s damaging to others.

op wanted to know if it’s fine to feel indifference towards step children that have been in her life for a decade.
If indifference means an absence of interest, sympathy or caring, and emotionally detached then I don’t think it’s fine. I find that quite hard to comprehend.

you can’t demand love from someone, or any emotion that quite simply isn’t there.

I don’t think there’s a problem with indifference, personally. Ultimately you married your husband because you loved him, not because of any particular attachment to his children.

If he wanted a partner that saw his kids like her own and felt that way about them then presumably he didn’t have to pursue a relationship with, or marry OP. Anyway, indifferent doesn’t mean she’s unkind to them.

Wow you e never loved them even after all that time.Obviously can't help your feelings... I'm more like your friend so struggle to understand you

Surprised by all these people who think indifference is such a bad thing. You can be nice to people and even enjoy their company without having very deep feelings for them. Honestly apart from about 5 people I actively have feelings for I’m indifferent to most people. Although maybe indifferent is the wrong word. There are a lot of people in my life who I like enough, will chat to and spend time with if I see them but wouldn’t be fussed if they moved away and I never saw them again

I agree. They don't love me. They come to see their dad not me. I make sure I care for them when they are here and point out things I think they will like and pick bits up but ultimately they are not mine. I don't expect my DH to love my DD and he sees her every day. I see my DSC once a week at most. I ensure I have time alone with my DD when he has time with his DC. My DD is not fussed by them being here and I rarely see her when they are here (bedroom dweller) unless I go and do something. I often have plans when they are here which DH understands. Though to be fair there has been drama with my DSC over the years so I have naturally pulled back to avoid being of accused of things I have not done. If I am not with them alone then I don't have to worry about protecting myself.

Not mine. I’m beyond indifference, I actively avoid a lot of other people’s children. I won’t ever find myself in that situation, but plenty of people do. There’s plenty of threads about it.

I think that's a weird attitude. I care for my step kids and I enjoy spending time with them. I miss my step daughter who is at uni. I treat them like I would my kids.

Then you’re just as strange as the OP

its not normal to be so detached from other people

to have only developed anything other than indifference towards 5 people in your entire life is indicative of deeper issues

I don’t think indifference is appropriate no. You don’t have to love your partners children but I find it odd you’d be indifferent to children he clearly adores. I am with your friend - though maybe not quite as strong as she suggests

Or maybe people just have different levels of emotions and attachment and there’s no right or wrong.

I love this place. "Your thoughts and feelings are different to mine so you're odd/strange/BIZARRE."

Just because you like a guy who procreated, doesn't mean you suddenly love being around other people's children.

Lol, ‘anything that doesn’t into my own worldview is a disorder’.

There is in fact a huge amount of variation across the ‘normal’ spectrum, not that you’d believe it if you read mumsnet.

There might not be right or wrong

But there is normal and abnormal

Only forming a connection with 5 people in your entire life is certainly not normal

Or more like common and uncommon. Even if it’s not common, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong or indicative of a problem.

I don’t think you’re quite understanding what I mean. I know many, many more people than just 5, but I don’t have very deep feelings for them. In fact the people I do have deep feelings for probably number less than 5. But I’d happily help my friends out in a crisis or just hang out for a chat. That doesn’t mean I find it upsetting when they’re upset or miss them if I don’t see them for a while.

Oh no I understand you just fine

It’s not normal to only have a connection of more than indifference to 5 people throughout your entire life.

Treating a child with indifference can be “wrong” as in its proven to be damaging to self esteem and emotional development.

I don’t really buy into the “your feelings are your feelings: there’s no right or wrong” line of thought.

That said, the relationship op has described with her SC doesn’t appear indifferent. Clearly she does care about their well being, shows interest in them, wants them to feel happy and welcomed and puts effort into care giving.

Theres huge middle ground between love and indifference.

So what though? If the poster is quite happy with that and it doesn’t adversely affect her life, then where’s the problem?

I don't think the way you feel is wrong in that you can't change how you feel. But as a single mother I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who felt indifference to my children. I wouldn't expect them to love them as their own but I think having a step parent who is indifferent wouldn't be in my children's best interest.

I know a family of three children where the oldest child has a different father whom he has no contact with. The step-father has no bond with the oldest child despite having been in his life since he was 1. He treats him very differently to the two younger children, who are his. He isn't exactly cruel but doesn't spend time with him; won't do him little favours like giving him lifts etc. and is generally cold and detached. It has done huge damage to the child and also damaged his relationship with his siblings. That situation is probably worse than yours due to the disparity in treatment of the children and the fact that this child has no other father but it made me certain that I never want a new partner who merely tolerates my children.

The problem is when people such as this poster claim it’s fine and dandy because they’re as cold as the OP

Maybe read the chain before commenting

I wondered how long it would be before those who don’t simper at the sight of all children would be accused of having a disorder.

I agree with @TedMullins - I have deep feelings for a set number of people of whom I am exceptionally loyal, loving, generous and kind to. Anyone else, including kids of my friends - meh. I will be kind and welcoming and treat them well but I don’t feel anything particular. I also don’t hate them. It’s just neutral. I find anyone who claims they deeply love all those around them to be tremendous bullshitters TBH.

I did.

it is fine and dandy, aka ‘not adversely affecting her life’. Just because it’s not your experience doesn’t in fact mean it’s a problem. I have no idea how common it actually is, do you? Or are you just speaking for everyone?