to think indifference is fine

[hippityhip]

Toward stepchildren?

Would you say providing someone is kind that's all that is needed?

Was having this conversation with a friend and we disagreed on what's 'okay' and what isn't.

I have stepchildren and to be totally honest I feel completely indifferent toward them. I've been in their lives since they were around 5 and 7 and they are now in their teens.

I have never loved them but nor do I dislike them. I don't miss them when they aren't here, I rarely think about them tbh. They are just part of life with DH. I've never discouraged their relationship or made things difficult. I'm always kind when they are around but that's just the extent of my feeling toward them. I want them to have a good life and be happy but at the same time I'd not be bothered at all if I never saw them again for example if me and DH separated.

My friend thinks anyone who feels this way should leave a relationship but she's very much 'love them like you're own'. She doesn't have step children but her children are stepchildren so she's seeing it from that side of things.

Imo providing you're not horrible, why does it matter? My stepchildren seem happy and we get on well when we are together so why does it matter?

I detect no lies.

For their emotional well-being & feelings that relationship needs to be one that will continue even if she & dad break up because the kids are what is important here.

Not always. If the stepmum wants to leave an abusive relationship for example, then she will want to cut as many ties with her ex as possible. And there are plenty of step threads on here where the man is emotionally abusive. Sad as it maybe is for the stepchildren if the stepmum exits their lives, but a woman in that position shouldn’t have to keep in contact with her ex for any reason other than reasons to do with shared children. What if the dad wants some free childcare and takes the piss? It’s not ok.

It should be a case by case basis.

I kept in touch with my dsc because it was possible to do without involving my ex (and his ex). Dsc was at an age where it naturally happened between us as they had a phone and we made our own arrangements. But if dsc was younger I would have found that very hard to maintain a relationship due to the middle men.

So no, it’s not as concrete as you make it out to be.

OP’s description of her involvement in the children’s lives is a lot more involved than any of my DC’s aunt’s uncles or grandparents so I would say it’s fine.

I think it really depends. I don't feel like I could be indifferent, I'm a teacher and used to building relationships with young people and I don't think I've ever felt indifferent towards a child I've genuinely liked. On the other hand, my mum is a stepmum to my stepdad's children. My stepdad lived with us so he has always been a father to me. My mum rarely saw his kids (they're a few years older than me so were at youngest 9 when my mum and stepdad got together), and didn't have any chance to build a relationship with them (they rarely visited for a day and never stayed over). I would say she probably was quite indifferent to them because of this. However if you regularly see and spend time with your step children then I genuinely can't see how you would be indifferent.