to think indifference is fine

[hippityhip]

Toward stepchildren?

Would you say providing someone is kind that's all that is needed?

Was having this conversation with a friend and we disagreed on what's 'okay' and what isn't.

I have stepchildren and to be totally honest I feel completely indifferent toward them. I've been in their lives since they were around 5 and 7 and they are now in their teens.

I have never loved them but nor do I dislike them. I don't miss them when they aren't here, I rarely think about them tbh. They are just part of life with DH. I've never discouraged their relationship or made things difficult. I'm always kind when they are around but that's just the extent of my feeling toward them. I want them to have a good life and be happy but at the same time I'd not be bothered at all if I never saw them again for example if me and DH separated.

My friend thinks anyone who feels this way should leave a relationship but she's very much 'love them like you're own'. She doesn't have step children but her children are stepchildren so she's seeing it from that side of things.

Imo providing you're not horrible, why does it matter? My stepchildren seem happy and we get on well when we are together so why does it matter?

I don’t think I can judge because I’ve not had step children and I can imagine the relationship is very different to that with your own kids. But my instinct is that the total lack of affection coming across in your post is likely to impact children and young people. Of course it’s ok for you to feel what you feel but if you are asking if it’s ok for the kids, I’d imagine it feels a bit shit.

I wish my step mother had been indifferent towards me, rather than the vile hostility I had to deal with for 10 years. Its not ideal but you can't force feelings.

I think it's incredibly selfish and cold. My stepmother was the same and I've suffered for it. In fact i had a dream about her last night where I'd lost my daughter and she said she'd help me to look for my daughter, but she didn't, said she had a holiday booked to Spain and had to leave immediately. I am still resentful up until this day. It is very hurtful to know you mean nothing to somebody who is supposed to be your family.

What do you interpret the meaning of “indifference “ to be? Examples?

I would define it as no sympathy, emotion or interest. I fail to see how you haven’t forged a relationship with your step children after 10 years.
It doesn’t have to resemble a parent/child bond but you must care about them and be interested in their lives? Feel sympathetic, concerned for their welfare, make efforts to communicate, bond?

This is how I feel too. I don't have any emotional connection really therefore I don't feel any pressure either. I don't feel resentment they are just part and parcel of life with DH. I help my husband with things like care if both parents are unavailable for whatever reason (not so much needed now they are teens), I cook for everyone, wash their clothes, pay toward certain aspects of their lives here. But all of that is really because I love my husband and want to be a team with him, not because I have any strong feeling toward his children.

In the same way I'm kind to any child I meet or know. I'll congratulate their achievements, be kind in their presence and want them to have a good life, but I don't really FEEL anything strongly about them.

My relationship in my eyes exists with them simply because I'm with their Dad. I'd never be horrible to anyone so that's not a problem, I just treat them how I'd treat any child I know or who was in my house. But it doesn't necessarily equate to love. It's not a relationship I'd feel any need to continue if me and DH weren't together. As PP said, I married him because I love him, not because I have any desire to love and raise his children.

Missing them is just something that has never happened. I honestly have never once thought oh I can't wait to see DSC. It doesn't affect my enjoyment of life one iota them not being here. But nor do I dislike them being here either it's just part of life with DH hence where I feel indifferenc comes in. To be perfectly honest I can't really name anything they bring to my life that I would miss if it weren't there. They are great with mine and DH joint children so there is that and I enjoy the bond they have but personally I don't feel anything is really gained that I would miss.

Outside of thinking about practical things i.e. who's taking DC here on this day or I need to get more of X in because DSC are here tomorrow, I don't think of them in any way like I do my children. I don't sit wondering how they are getting on that day or wanting to know how their days gone for example.

I do believe practically I'm a good stepmother. I help out, I'm kind, I've never once stood between or tried to jeopardise their relationship with DH in any way, we have a laugh and I tend to some of their basic needs when required. Perhaps emotionally I'm odd but I guess I just don't see why it matters.

Someone asked how they are with me. Fine to be honest. Like I said, we get on well. I don't think they love me either but it doesn't bother me. I believe they like me, enough to be happy when here and have a laugh with / spend time with me willingly anyway so I guess I can't make them feel that awful.

Indifference is one of the most damaging feelings/attitudes- can be much worse than hate. It's also easily picked up even when the one who feels indifferent believes they hide it well.

Yanbu to not love his children though.

An example as I gave above in my latest comment would be not caring whether they are here or not. I don't miss them when they aren't here but nor do I dislike them being here. I just don't really care either way.

Another would be I just don't get that desire (like with my own kids) to really know about their schooling or their hobbies or how something's gone. I ask and congratulate because it's polite but I'm not really bothered.

I guess that is the way I'm using the word indifference. I'm nice because I'm nice to everyone, I'd never be horrible to a child whoever they were. That doesn't (to me anyway) necessarily mean I have any strong feeling toward them.

Your'e fine, OP. Love, like religious faith, is not voluntary -you can't just decide to love someone!

Kindness, as you say, is the important thing here.

My step mother was the same and I’ve suffered for it

Indifference in a relationship is incredibly damaging to self esteem It can be very painful and indicates a dysfunctional relationship.

There’s a lot of grey area between love and indifference. It isn’t one or the other.

These threads are really common. I don't understand the point of them. You're happy with how things are and no one is apparently getting hurt. Why do you need further validation?

She's said why. Because she disagreed with her friend.

This is how I mean it yes. Perhaps neutral is a better word. No particular strong feeling either way.

Yes but she's happy to disagree. She's not wondering about it. Why do step mums feel the need to create these spaces to agree they don't give a toss about their step children? I find it wearing. Be indifferent to children you have known most of their lives if it floats your boat. But there is something distasteful about creating threads to say "I couldn't care less if I never saw that kid again" like it's a genuine conversation.

From your updates, I think it’s clear you have a good relationship with your step children. There’s nothing wrong with feeling differently about your own children.
You probably subconsciously hold back from stepping into a mothering role?

As someone else pointed out, there is no need to label it. I think your label isn’t correct.
To behave indifferently towards a person is actually very cold and cruel. That’s probably why your friend was horrified at your revelation.
If your friend saw you with your step children I doubt she would describe “indifference “.

This is key though

They’re not strangers

It takes a certain type of person to spend a lot of time with someone else and not treat them with more fondness than a stranger

Are you ND OP?

As most of this is not remotely normal for most. The fact you don’t feel anything towards other peoples children, never miss the DSC. It’s almost psychopathy

These threads always really depress me. My stepparents have also known me and my sibling since we were small children and I would be devastated to find they were indifferent to me. TBH the one redeeming thing from my parents' divorce, from my point of view, was the lovely extra semi-parents I got. Not that I was always the nicest to them as a teenager, but I would hope that they love me as I love them

RoseGoldEagle · Today 14:05
The kids will know, OP. Though I guess if you’re indifferent to them that won’t bother you much. Hopefully they don’t spend that much time with you and DH and have a more warm and welcoming home with their Mum.

But how do you suggest OP manufactures some love for these children? It just isn't possible - wishing doesn't make it so.

Honestly...

Is it really that abnormal to not have strong feelings for or miss other people's children outside of your own? (Or neices/nephews etc)

As far as I'm aware I'm not ND no.

But how do you suggest OP manufactures some love for these children? It just isn't possible - wishing doesn't make it so

Exactly. Surely if outwardly you treat them well that's all that really matters.

My friend disagreed and thought regardless of how you treat them or how you get on, if you don't love then you should leave.

Seems silly to me when everyone's happy enough.

Of course, especially if you spend a lot of time with those children. I see my step sisters children 4 times a year and miss them.

Its also odd you miss nieces and nephews but not your DSC who you’d have a stronger connection with due to living with them some of the time for years.

Very, Very cold and detached.

Gosh. This is why I would never be with a man who already has children. Indifference is not acceptable to family members at all.

I don't have neices or nephews. I was just giving an example of typical close adult - child relationships.

The only children I've ever truly missed when they aren't around are my own. And I don't particularly think that's psychopathic. I think that's very OTT personally.

You should not have ever got married in the first place, BUT thats on the DC’s father more than you.