Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think indifference is fine

279 replies

hippityhip · 30/10/2022 13:03

Toward stepchildren?

Would you say providing someone is kind that's all that is needed?

Was having this conversation with a friend and we disagreed on what's 'okay' and what isn't.

I have stepchildren and to be totally honest I feel completely indifferent toward them. I've been in their lives since they were around 5 and 7 and they are now in their teens.

I have never loved them but nor do I dislike them. I don't miss them when they aren't here, I rarely think about them tbh. They are just part of life with DH. I've never discouraged their relationship or made things difficult. I'm always kind when they are around but that's just the extent of my feeling toward them. I want them to have a good life and be happy but at the same time I'd not be bothered at all if I never saw them again for example if me and DH separated.

My friend thinks anyone who feels this way should leave a relationship but she's very much 'love them like you're own'. She doesn't have step children but her children are stepchildren so she's seeing it from that side of things.

Imo providing you're not horrible, why does it matter? My stepchildren seem happy and we get on well when we are together so why does it matter?

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 30/10/2022 15:03

hippityhip · 30/10/2022 14:58

Is it really that abnormal to not have strong feelings for or miss other people's children outside of your own? (Or neices/nephews etc)

As far as I'm aware I'm not ND no.

Interesting thread.

I'm more aligned with your thinking than "love them like your own".

I've thought about it before and the acid test for me is - would I invest in a relationship with the kids if my partner was no longer around (assuming of course their other parent was still available to them).
I decided that I'd settle on the 'sending birthday cards' sort of level.

Original poster
hippityhip · 30/10/2022 15:04

BUT thats on the DC’s father more than you

I've never sat down and told him this. As far as he can see (as is the case) his wife is kind to his kids, helps out when needed and doesn't try to come between them.

OP posts:
MNchickens · 30/10/2022 15:04

hippityhip · 30/10/2022 15:01

I don't have neices or nephews. I was just giving an example of typical close adult - child relationships.

The only children I've ever truly missed when they aren't around are my own. And I don't particularly think that's psychopathic. I think that's very OTT personally.

Show quote history

But that is strange

do you miss friends?

HiveBee · 30/10/2022 15:05

hippityhip · 30/10/2022 15:04

BUT thats on the DC’s father more than you

I've never sat down and told him this. As far as he can see (as is the case) his wife is kind to his kids, helps out when needed and doesn't try to come between them.

He should’ve looked into your relationship with them in far more depth before marrying you. Did you not discuss your indifference to his children before the marriage or have you done a good job of hiding it ?

HiveBee · 30/10/2022 15:06

Doesn’t try and come between them is a given btw, no kudos for that 🤦‍♀️

HailOWeen · 30/10/2022 15:07

Presumably they have a mum, they don't need you to 'love' them and obviously they'll never love you like their actual mother.

Original poster
hippityhip · 30/10/2022 15:07

alwaysmovingforwards · 30/10/2022 15:03

Interesting thread.

I'm more aligned with your thinking than "love them like your own".

I've thought about it before and the acid test for me is - would I invest in a relationship with the kids if my partner was no longer around (assuming of course their other parent was still available to them).
I decided that I'd settle on the 'sending birthday cards' sort of level.

Show quote history

Me too.

Although I'm their siblings mother so I'd do more than that until their relationship could be maintained via themselves for DCs sake.

Personally though I wouldn't have any strong desire to maintain a very involved relationship.

OP posts:
HailOWeen · 30/10/2022 15:07

HailOWeen · 30/10/2022 15:07

Presumably they have a mum, they don't need you to 'love' them and obviously they'll never love you like their actual mother.

Should have clarified, YANBU.

MNchickens · 30/10/2022 15:08

HailOWeen · 30/10/2022 15:07

Presumably they have a mum, they don't need you to 'love' them and obviously they'll never love you like their actual mother.

No one has said anything about love

but indifference is nasty

HailOWeen · 30/10/2022 15:09

MNchickens · 30/10/2022 15:08

No one has said anything about love

but indifference is nasty

Show quote history

But by its definition, indifference is not 'nasty?' You can hardly help your feelings can you.

Original poster
hippityhip · 30/10/2022 15:09

HiveBee · 30/10/2022 15:06

Doesn’t try and come between them is a given btw, no kudos for that 🤦‍♀️

Of course it is. I'm not expecting brownie points. I'm saying that should be the main thing surely. The thing that should matter above anything else really. So why do all the other little nuances of how I personally feel matter in the grand scheme of things providing the main, important things are there? (Kindness and not coming between parent and child).

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 30/10/2022 15:10

I completely agree with you OP and cannot stand the utter bollocks on MN that stages you have to live your SC like your own, throw money at then and give them the same as your own kids….but NEVER EVER EVER discipline them because apparently it’s not your place 🙄

I had numerous step parents growing up, and honestly they were all indifferent and that suited me and my siblings just fine. I didn’t want or need their love and attention as long as I got plenty from my parent. Which I did. I didn’t miss them when my parents split with them. I’ve bumped into some since and it’s lovely to catch up but really it’s absolutely fine to just be kind and welcoming and leave it at that.

SmileyClare · 30/10/2022 15:12

Perhaps you struggle with feelings of empathy or sensitivity.

It was incredibly tactless to voice this to a close friend whose dc have a step mother.

How would you feel if your own children were treated with indifference by adults in their lives such as grandparents, aunts, a teacher or their own dad's partner (I take it you're separated)?

Rinatinabina · 30/10/2022 15:14

I think as long as you are kind and don’t make them feel unwelcome it’s fine. I’m not a step mum and my child doesn’t have a step parent but if she ever did I would hope that person was kind to them and didn’t make them feel like an inconvenience.

I’m not a kid person myself and I can see how a perfectly nice person would have little interest in my DD (obviously she’s fantastic). I would expect though that her dad would be the focal point of her visits and the person caring for her. It would be unfair to expect another person to love her as much as her own parents. If they did it would be great but I wouldn’t expect it.

bewarethetides · 30/10/2022 15:14

ClocksGoingBackwards · 30/10/2022 13:28

It’s sad for children to have a home where one of the adults is indifferent to them. No one would actively choose that to be the way their child lives when they’re welcoming their squishy newborn. It’s inevitable that lots of children are going to be brought up like this but it’s not nice.

This

Why would you put children in this position deliberately? You entered their home, their lives and they didn't get a vote about it. And now they get to live part time with an adult who doesn't give two hoots about them.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 30/10/2022 15:15

How would you feel if your own children were treated with indifference by adults in their lives such as grandparents, aunts, a teacher or their own dad's partner (I take it you're separated)?

This was asked to the OP but I’ll say - I wouldn’t give a shit. We’ve been led to believe that people owe our children feelings of love and joy. They don’t. I only ask that people are kind and welcoming, and don’t wish my kids harm.

teachers have a professional obligation to have my childrens best interests at heart so that’s a bit different but from a personal perspective I don’t imagine any of my kids teachers give a shit about them.

Mumoblue · 30/10/2022 15:16

I dunno. I don’t think it’s a requirement to love them like your own, but I do find it odd if you haven’t formed a bond with your partner’s kids over time. I don’t think I’d personally want to be with someone who was indifferent to my kid, but I guess it’s not something you can make happen.

I suppose when it comes down to it, it matters how you treat them. I have a stepparent myself I’m very close to, and my son will probably end up with one (as I’m split from his dad, I don’t fancy dating again but his dad doesn’t like being alone).

butterfliedtwo · 30/10/2022 15:17

YANBU. You're kind to them. It's fine.

HailOWeen · 30/10/2022 15:18

I didn't realise so many people were so thrilled about the prospect of spending time with other people's kids! Though, I would never choose to live with someone else's kids.

SmileyClare · 30/10/2022 15:19

People seem to be assuming "indifference" means "not loving a child as your own".

It doesn't mean that at all.

Definition of indifference in a relationship: an absence of care, sympathy, interest, communication or concern for the person.

Original poster
hippityhip · 30/10/2022 15:21

SmileyClare · 30/10/2022 15:12

Perhaps you struggle with feelings of empathy or sensitivity.

It was incredibly tactless to voice this to a close friend whose dc have a step mother.

How would you feel if your own children were treated with indifference by adults in their lives such as grandparents, aunts, a teacher or their own dad's partner (I take it you're separated)?

It was incredibly tactless to voice this to a close friend whose dc have a step mother

I didn't just randomly come out with it. We were having a conversation already about step parents. She thinks her children's stepmother is way too over involved always wanting to muscle in on parenting (but she still wants her to love her DC like her own...), involving herself in parents evenings and such, messaging my friend with parenting plans for bad behaviour, posting all over social media about "her" boys and so on.

I simply said I think it's better to be how I am, help out when needed but leave everything else to their parents. No I don't love them or really feel much at all but I'm always kind. I've never had a problem with their mum, I've never given her reason to have a problem because I've never overstepped. There's much less friction in our situation between the three of us (me DH and their mum) than my friends situation.

Me and friend didn't argue, it was simply a discussion where we disagreed with each other and I was curious what others thought.

And i can't say I'd be that upset if my exes partner was kind to my children and got on with them but didn't love or miss them when they weren't there.

My children's dad is my husband (so no not separated).

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 30/10/2022 15:21

YABU.
You don't have to love them as your own, but indifference feels cold and distant, even if it's decorated with social niceties.

I'd expect a partner to care about my DC more than a random child, but wouldn't expect to love them as their own.

Theredjellybean · 30/10/2022 15:21

I dont think you are indifferent OP.
You say you think about logistics of dsc coming, getting stuff in, you help out with ferrying about , you have a laugh together etc. you do bother to ask them about stuff and congratulate them....indifference would be not bothering even with common curtesy
the picture that paints is of a blended family, and that you do some of the mental and practical towards this being successful.
that is not indifference - indifference to me would be not doing anything good or bad ..so not involved at all, and clearly you are involved.
now this might be just to make it better for DH , but it does demonstrate more than indifference.
its ok not to love them, frankly i do not love many of my DDs friends and i am not sure i love my god children ( they are spoilt/rude brats) - but i do not think you are indifferent

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 30/10/2022 15:22

I’m not a stepmum but a lot of my friends have kids - and TBH I find 99% of my friends kids annoying AF. I actively dread being around some of them. When you have a stepchild does that feeling still apply or does affection come over time from just spending a lot of time with them? I’m very much a ‘love my own kids and no one else’s’ kind of person (I adore my nieces and nephews too) but if I had to spend EOW with some my friend’s kids I think I’d go mad and dislike them more before I liked them!

Lilithslove · 30/10/2022 15:28

I think the way that you treat step children is much more important than the way you feel about them.

I wouldn't say I was ss indifferent to my step children but I don't miss them when they're not around and don't get involved in parenting decisions. Indifference is the way I'd say I feel about their friends when they come over.

Swipe left for the next trending thread